Assalam-o-alaikum Auntie,
I am a 35-year-old unmarried and unemployed girl. Unfortunately, for the past five years I have been struggling to find a job as well as a marriage proposal. I am being treated for chronic dry eye and no one is willing to provide me a job. Also I am not getting married despite receiving proposals because my widower father rejects my proposals and finds faults in every suitor. I do not have the courage to talk to him about my marriage, because he supports me financially. I am depressed as I can’t find a solution to my situation. I need your advice in this regard.
Unmarried

Dear Unmarried,
Please continue with your medical treatment and your job search. Make the necessary lifestyle changes to manage your health issue. I am not aware of the extent of your issue, but many people who have jobs are also managing health issues, which are sometimes very serious, alongside their careers.

It is very important for your peace of mind that you get out of the house and have a purpose to look forward to every day. Auntie cannot stress enough how important it is for all of us to have some kind of work (housework or a career) to accomplish every day. It gives routine to your life, ensuring that you wake up on time every day and have something to look forward to. It also enables you to socialise, which should help in the rishta search.

‘My father rejects all my marriage proposals’

If your eye issue is fairly manageable, you should rev up your job search. Spread the word that you are looking for work. Update your CV, upload it on LinkedIn and other job search platforms. Next, contact everyone you know who works in the field you want to get into and let them know that you are interested. If they ask for your CV, send it to them on a priority basis so that they know that you are very serious about getting a job. The idea is to get on the radar of people who work for organisations that you are interested in. Don’t wait around twiddling your thumbs waiting for a job. Get out there and make the effort.

You have to search for a job systematically and on a war footing. Give yourself a goal and decide that you will spend a certain amount of time scouring online for job and contacting people every single day. When you find jobs that you are interested in, study the job description and tweak your CV (without lying!) to highlight that you have the right experience. And if you get called for an interview, do your best and then send a thank you message afterwards.

Coming to your marriage, have you thought about why your father is reluctant to get you married? Is he a perfectionist, who is looking for the perfect rishta for you and is inadvertently, rejecting everyone who comes along because they just don’t measure up? Or does he subconsciously dread being lonely if you get married and leave, and so ends up rejecting suitors? Or does he find the process of looking for a spouse for you overwhelming, especially since he is the only parent and he wants to get it right? Please think honestly and with empathy about the reasons your father has for rejecting your rishtas, because at some point, when you are getting married you will need to assuage his fears. Please be empathetic, even if his reasons for rejecting rishtas seem selfish on the surface. He is your father and he must have done a lot for you throughout your life. Be grateful for it, but also know that parents are not perfect and can make mistakes.

Do you have siblings, or older relatives and friends who are close to your father and whom you can confide in? Tell those who you are comfortable with to help your father look for a prospective spouse for you and to change his attitude to you getting married. At the same time, if you do come across someone you like and who seems like he would make a good spouse, Auntie would totally encourage you to find the courage to take matters in your own hands. You are 35 years old after all.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, June 16th, 2019