Dear Phuppo, I am a 15-year-old boy, and a student of high school. The problem began a few days ago when a woman came banging on our door with a child and claiming that she is my father’s second wife and that the child was my father’s son. As soon as we heard it the ground was pulled from beneath our feet, especially my mother’s. That woman created a lot of fuss and showed some pictures of herself and my father together with their son to all our neighbours. She says that she had been in my father’s life since eight years and she knew all about his first marriage and children. We are going through a great emotional trauma as my father is not being truthful (we discussed everything with him) and even not coming home. My mother has been crying her eyes out on this breach of trust. We just cannot think of any solution to this matter. My father has been very loving and caring towards us but this thing has just shattered his noble image in our minds. I cannot concentrate on my studies as previously my mother kept all adult matters to herself and my father and this incident is one I cannot make sense of. I feel like my childhood or my innocence has been taken from me turning me into a 15-year-old adult, as being a son I have to support my mother. One thing I would like to be particular about is that we cannot share our father with anyone nor my mother can share her husband and it has to be one way or the other.

Shattered

‘I don’t know how to cope with my father’s second marriage’

Dear Child,

You know more about your parents’ marriage than you need to. You also now know — a little too early in life — that parents are human and can be selfish and make mistakes. Your mother was betrayed by your father. You love both of them and that is why this hurts. 

No one apart from your parents knows about the real state of their marriage and so this is your parents’ business only. While I can understand that you want to save your parents’ marriage and have ideas about the ideal resolution to their marital problems, the fact is there is nothing much you can do. In fact, your parents should have tried harder to save you from the trauma of meeting the other woman and hearing about all the gory details. Your parents have to resolve this issue themselves and you should not be part of this process. Your parents should not confide in you or ask for your advice. It is too heavy a burden for a 15-year-old boy to carry. You can support your mother by being kind and supportive to her at this difficult time, but try not to get roped into taking sides and playing counsellor. There are adults out there, more experienced in relationship matters than you, who can help your parents.

And if they consult a professional counsellor, all the better.   Dear Aani,

I am a 23-year-old girl and I have a lot of trust issues, because in the past I was in a bad relationship. I don’t want to go into details, but my boyfriend was cheating on me. I have a lot of jealous feelings in me and don’t know how to control my emotions. I know jealousy can drive people away. What can I do?

Or he may refuse to take your attitude because hey … he didn’t do anything. And that kind of fight is never good for a relationship.

Broken Hearted

Dear Green-eyed,

If you have been in a bad relationship in the past there are only a few ways you can move on from the situation. You can become the abuser or victim in your next relationship, or you can learn from the experience and know what not to do (and what not to take) next time around. Auntie suggests you do the latter. If you are going to be jealous about your future mate before anything happens, you are punishing him for something he hasn’t done yet. I hope you realise how unfair this is. Depending on your future friend or husband’s level of confidence, he may end up feeling guilty for no reason, in which case you will probably see his guilt as a confirmation of a crime that was never committed. Or he may refuse to take your attitude because hey … he didn’t do anything. And that kind of fight is never good for a relationship.

Since you are not in a relationship yet, all this talk is pre-emptive. Your previous relationship was bad but you don’t know how the next person will behave and you cannot prejudge him. If someone was nasty (and you know how terrible that feels) why perpetuate it and be nasty to someone else?

It is a warped form of revenge which will only end up hurting you.

All this pre-empting is a result of an overactive imagination. It is good that you know you have the green-eyed monster inside you. Knowledge of the self can help you control it. Being aware of how you are feeling and knowing you are feeling this way is good. Recognise your feelings and decide you will learn from them and not succumb to them.    Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, February 19th, 2017