Dear Auntie.

I’m a 27-year-old boy. I have my own business and am also studying for my M.A. My parents divorced when I was two years old and my father remarried. Now he has a family and meets me once a month, which is just a formality. Unfortunately, he doesn’t support me the way a good father should.

The problem is that I’m searching for a family to marry into. Many families have refused my proposal due to my family background and some have agreed but I did not like them. I am upset because I am getting older. All I want to know is what is my fault that my parents divorced? I also want to know why some parents have children when they can’t give them their proper rights.

Upset

Dear Man,

You are not a 27-year-old boy, you are a man who is nearly 30 years old. While I agree that circumstances were not in your control when you were two years old, you are now old enough and have the power to take control, accept responsibility and change things that you are not happy with in your life. Auntie would recommend starting with changing your perspective about the ‘bad’ circumstances in your life.

Expecting your father to be a ‘good father’ is not in your control. Undoing your parents’ divorce is not in your control. Your father’s other family is another thing you cannot control. Blaming your problems on these ‘issues’ and going around feeling victimised is not helping your situation. When you blame a situation for your lack of success in some domain of your life, in this case your marriage, all it does is make your ego feel safe behind a lie.

The fact is that many children from broken homes do get married and stay successfully married. Getting rid of your victim/blame mentality will not only serve you well in your rishta search, it will also help you in your journey as an entrepreneur.

Also let’s see your ‘issue’ from another angle. Think about the people who have turned your rishta down … would you really want to be married into a family that has outdated views about children from broken homes? Would you really want to be married to someone who holds your background — which you have no control over — against you?

You need to start taking responsibility about your actions and stop hiding behind the ‘victim’ mentality. Think hard about the kind of girl you want to marry. Then take serious action to work on this part of your life. If it means keeping a watch out for the right girl in university or wherever you think you can find the right match, do that. If it means getting your mother involved in the rishta search, tell her exactly about the kind of girl you are looking for. Enlist the help of other elders if you prefer an arranged match.

Remember that very few of us come from perfect backgrounds. Even if other people’s lives seem perfect from the outside they usually aren’t. Some people live with parents who may be together, but who have horrific fights every day, leaving terrible scars on their children. Each of us has our own Achilles’ heel.

Dear Khalajani,

I am a boy and have a crush on a girl who has just shifted to our neighbourhood. I don’t know how to approach her. She is nice and jolly and I really like her. I don’t know why I think it’s my sixth sense that is triggered when she is around. I become shy when I approach her. What to do?

Crushed

Dear Lover-boy,

I am not sure what you mean by your sixth sense being triggered, so Auntie will leave that bit of information aside.

There is no formula to getting a girl. You could try speaking to her just like you would to any other person. Just try and be confident. Try starting a natural conversation with her, say about the neighbourhood. You might want to give her some insider tips about the area.

Don’t try to be funny if it isn’t coming naturally. You might mess it up if you are nervous. Also don’t expect she will fall head-over-heels in love with you the first time you talk to her. These things take time.

You will have definitely taken things to the next level if you can keep the conversation interesting and keep talking to her. One bit of warning though: sometimes the best way to deflate a crush can be the first conversation. Since you don’t really know the girl, sometimes getting to know her can put you off. So be warned, she may not turn out to be your babe!

Another piece of warning: Do not lie or exaggerate. Be yourself when you muster the courage to talk to her. No one likes nasty untruths coming up later. It will put her off you for life if she discovers you lied. If your reality doesn’t appeal to her and she rejects you, let go gracefully.

If this does not work, back off. (Pssst … sometimes backing off can get a girl interested!) Good luck!

Auntie will not reply privately to any query.
Please send concise queries to:
auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, January 22nd, 2017