Dear Auntie, I am 19 years old and belong to an educated family. My father humiliates me in front of everyone on things that don’t really make sense. Sometimes it seems like he does it just for the sake of saying something. Maybe I am different from how he wants me to be. I have strong self-esteem, but I really need my father’s love. At the end of the day, it is my family I want to rely on.

But the more I do for him, the more he humiliates me — from how I dress and study to calling me selfish. From a very young age, he has been telling me how to dress. But I dress the way I feel confident and comfortable, which is decent too. It is frustrating for me.

He has destroyed my image of men and I am afraid it may destroy my mental health too. Talking to him about it never works. He doesn’t take what I say seriously. I’m told that he really loves me but I don’t think his way of expressing it helps.

Disturbed Daughter

Dear Lift yourself,

It is sad that you are going through this with your father. While Auntie does not doubt your father loves you, he probably sees you as a projection of himself. At some level he is clearly not happy with himself and you are bearing some of the brunt.

I would not advise you to ever be disrespectful to your father because you really do owe him a lot. If you look around you, you will realise that you owe him much — from the roof over your head right down to your clothes. At the same time, his criticism may be coming from his general unhappiness with himself and the way he was raised.

Maybe he was criticised as a young child and he thinks that is the only way to parent. Have you spoken to your mother about how you feel about your father? Could you do that and tell her how much it bothers you? She may intervene on your behalf and help your father control the nagging. If your mother is not the right person, think of some other adult that your father is close to and try approaching them if it is appropriate.  

Next you need to start working on yourself. Think of the things your father says to you and understand that they are his opinion. What he says is not the truth. You don’t have to believe his criticism. If you find that you are not able to communicate with your father through your mother or someone else, perhaps you could limit the time you spend with him to just what is necessary. You can also tune him out and not take in what he is saying. You may already be doing this.

At the same time, if you can find someone you can trust to confide in, do so. Alternatively you could even just journal your feelings. Vent your feelings by writing them out and just tear or burn the paper if you are uncomfortable about someone finding it.  

Finally, work hard at whatever you are doing and think carefully about what you want to do in life and start working towards it. Having a focus will keep you occupied and will help distract you from whatever is going on.

Dear Auntie,

This is the first time I am writing to you. My problem is that four years ago I was dating a guy and we broke up. According to him he was a pukka Memon and Memons only marry within the community.

I cried a lot which made him stay for some time, but then he left. Recently I found out through a mutual friend that he is now engaged. Since I have seen the picture of his engagement, I have become really depressed and upset. Is this normal?

Heartbroken

Dear Normal,

I wonder why he had a serious relationship with you if he was so intent on marrying within his community. Think of this as a lesson learnt and next time someone makes such a statement, know he or she is not kidding. They mean it. Think ahead about the repercussions and bail out to save yourself another disappointment or heartache. The right man will love you instead of giving you excuses about why you are not right.

As for the grief you are experiencing, many people get heart pangs just thinking about old romantic interests from even 10 years ago, so this is natural. It is painful, but natural.

Maybe for the past four years you were holding on to the hope that he will come back to you, because he did stay for some time. Slowly, however, his engagement and subsequent marriage will quell any hope of him coming back to you. In the long run this is a good thing as it will help you accept his marrying someone else, which should help you immensely in moving on.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, December 4th, 2016