Dear Auntie Agni I have taken admission in a university two months ago and though it is my first semester, I am finding it difficult to survive here. I have noticed that our teacher gives more respect to girls as compared to boys. Auntie ji, please give me a suggestion about the situation in our class so we can get rid of this nepotism.

Discriminated

Dear Boy,

Nepotism is when someone favours a family member or a friend. The situation you are talking about is favouritism. Favouritism is quite common in school and it is also something you will encounter over and over in life. Auntie would say that instead of resisting it, how about accepting that people are not fair. Every one of us has our personal biases and each of us favours certain people. We do it because we like their face, because they belong to our city, our country or because of their gender. It is part of being human.

Actually, now is the time to learn this lesson instead of being disappointed with it. Teachers, bosses, parents and people in general are not fair. Also it is not always possible to figure out why a teacher is favouring someone. It could even be because the teacher has stereotypes about girls such as that they work harder in school or that they are smarter. It is a personal bias and as long as a teacher is not punishing you and being unfair about grading, you really cannot do much about it. Just do your best in college and work hard to the best of your abilities.

Dear Auntie

One of my cousins was divorced a year ago. The sad thing is that people and society are very mean and use abusive words for her. She had been pressurised to tie the knot with her cousin, though she was in love with someone else.

How can I guide her? How can I help her live a vivacious life without any negativity? I really want to help her because she is getting weak with time and is psychologically disturbed.

Caring cousin

Dear Thoughtful,

Your cousin has experienced trauma and there is a lot you and the family can do to support her. Generally it would be a good idea to seek professional help for her. However, the family should work towards getting her to follow some kind of routine. I don’t know what your family’s situation is like and how disturbed she is, but you should support her in doing anything to re-establish her routine, such as a job or volunteer work,

Encourage her to look after herself by exercising, relaxing and eating well. As a cousin you should also encourage her to go out and do something fun with you, once in a while. You might already know what she enjoys doing, so you could encourage her to take up a hobby or some other activity that she used to enjoy before the divorce happened.  If you see any improvement in her state of mind, encourage her to stay on track.

It is unfortunate that things happened the way they did for her. And the victim-blaming that is going on is terrible, but it doesn’t surprise me. Should it ever come up in front of you, as a caring cousin you might want to draw your family’s and other people’s attention to the fact that they were wrong to pressurise a young girl to marry someone who she did not want to marry. Sometimes young people feel so pressured and vulnerable, they don’t realise that they always have a choice. It is important that you talk to your family about this, so it does not happen in the future to someone else.

Continue to be emotionally supportive of your cousin. She may not want to talk about her divorce, so don’t force her. However, if she does want to talk about it, lend her an ear. Talk to her at a time when she wants to talk and you have the time. Go by how she is feeling. If things become painful for her while talking, stop and let her continue at some other time. Just listen to her. You don’t have to say anything apart from reassuring her that you won’t judge her. You can offer examples from your own life, but do avoid making this about yourself. Just know that you cannot make her pain go away. At the end of the day, only she can work on herself to get over this trauma, with professional help and support from caring cousins like you.

 Even if she does not want to talk about it, be there for her. Spend time with her and help her out practically. It would be better if you can stop her from being on her own and isolated for long periods of time.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, October 23rd, 2016