Dear Auntie Agni, I am a student and have recently passed my Intermediate. I am in love with a girl. She was my classmate two years ago. This love is one-sided. A few days ago I expressed my feelings to her through a message on Facebook, even though she has not yet accepted my request.

My frequent messages resulted in a reply from her, saying “Don’t text me again. Please relax and stay happy. I am not interested in a relationship with you.” This broke my heart and crushed my soul, but I cannot forget about her. I am still in love and I have positive hopes for both of us in future. Please provide me with a solid solution to cope with this problem. I can’t control my sorrow any more. I am exhausted. Sometimes I think that I should live no more because the person with whom I am in love with has no feelings for me. But I am still hoping. Thanks a lot.

Lovelorn

Dear Hurting,

If you have expressed your love to this girl and she has clearly told you she is not interested, you have to let it go. Anything else you do (especially after a girl has been so direct) can be construed as harassment and that is not something any self-respecting person would want to be known for. To be honest, bombarding her with texts was harassment.

You need to work on your relationship with yourself. You need to learn to love and respect yourself and realise that no one — absolutely no one — is more important than you. Remind yourself every day; every morning look in the mirror and remind yourself how fantastic you are. Focus on real qualities and strengths: subjects you are good at, sports that you play well, many friends, supportive parents.  This is not about being selfish. It is about respecting and honouring yourself. You can be disappointed that the girl said no, but you should never love anyone more than you love yourself. Instead of saying I cannot control my sorrow say, I am disappointed but I am strong and smart and am going to move on.

Could you be happy in an unequal relationship, where one partner is devoted and the other couldn’t care less? What kind of a relationship would that be? Pretty draining for the loving partner for sure. Being in a relationship with someone who just does not reciprocate your feelings is far worse, lonelier and more difficult to get out of.

Salam Khala jani,

I am a 14-year-old girl in eighth grade in a very good school. My brother has done his O’ levels first year and as nowadays his school is off he does nothing except watching movies on his phone. He does not go to tuition regularly nor does he do any other outdoor activity. The problem is that he is so addicted to his phone that he listens to nobody else in the home, not even to our father. And sometimes he says that he wants to go to tuition alone, without anyone. Father gets very irritated with his behaviour as sometimes he talks rudely with him too. Whenever father tries to teach him something good he says that you people always take me wrong. I’m just fed up with his behaviour.

Tense

Dear Sis,

Your brother is a teenager so some of his rebellion is to be expected and your parents may have been expecting it. However he is lucky to have a sister who is so concerned about him and realises that his phone usage is excessive. To some extent your father realises that all is not well with your brother. The issue is that you are still not an adult and cannot enforce rules in the house, so you have to work with and rely on your parents in order to help your brother. You need to speak to your parents regarding setting rules about gadgets.

Tell your parents that both of them need to enforce rules regarding phone usage equally and not give in. Talk to your parents and help them recognise the extent of your brother’s problem. Find resources that will inform them about excessive phone usage and its effects. Help them set down new rules and support them in enforcing that.  

Your brother might suspect your motives for doing this, so be sure that you are truly concerned, be supportive of him and don’t become militant about nabbing him. Support your parents, but let them handle this.

Dear Auntie,

I was reading the poor bahu’s issues in your column last week. Married for almost nine years, I have two boys, ages eight and four and am living happily with my husband and kids. While I was reading that, I could feel the girl’s pain since I have been through the same. Husbands are not best friends in the early years of marriage. The wife has to sacrifice and set an example despite all the wrong-doings of the in-laws. Later she will be in a position where she can proudly ‘lajawab’ them.

 I also had horrible episodes with my in-laws when my mother-in-law cursed me and my parents from in front of the entire family. It is really difficult to clear each and every minor or major issue in the family. My husband and I were never alone except to sleep and whenever we tried to talk on issues, MIL or SIL were listening to us. And that led to more horrible episodes. I had my first baby nine months after my marriage. I wanted my in-laws to all die in an accident, or whatever. My confidence was shaken badly. I don’t think that if she shares all this with her husband he would understand, as only half an year has passed in their marriage.

Anyhow, please ask the girl to be patient. These difficulties are given to those whom Allah loves. A diamond has to go through a painful procedure to make it shine. She has to set an example for her kids. And do not be like your in-laws! P.S. My saas is my very good friend now and my sisters-in-law now defend me every time. Difficult times pass.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, August 4th, 2016