Dear brethren (and some sisthren), today our people are faced with a very serious and dangerous hazard: Women!

We must wake up from our sinful slumber, dear brethren (and sisthren who became brethren) and rise and face this severe threat: Women!

We must unite and protest against this menace that has been emboldened by the impious Punjab government with the imposition of the Women’s Protection Billi.

Beware of this billi, brethren and sisthren who became brethren. It is an evil billi, out to topple the proven superiority of the billa. This just cannot be tolerated.

It is now quite clear that conspiracies are being hatched to turn our people into Danes, Welsh, Scots and Alaskans; and to undo our real identities and wrench out our roots away from the area of our birth as a nation and culture: Yemen.

Let me elaborate, dear brethren and and sisthren who became brethren because they refused to be administered polio drops: First, an election was rigged to keep out as many pious brethren from the parliament as possible.

Then, a party that was once full of brethren was made to win the election. This was a smokescreen. A clever ploy. Because at the time, the nation did not know that the ideology of the party had been compromised. It had secretly been replaced with a very violent, ferocious and cannibalistic idea: Liberalism!

Yes. Brethren turned into liberthren. How did that happen?

Well, former brethren, Prime Minister Mian Nawaz Sharif, was deceivingly exposed to some invisible waves and rays emitting from his 50-inch Sony LD TV screen.

Ah, my naïve brethren, here lies the conspiracy.

These waves and rays are no ordinary waves and rays. They were originally being emitted from Gakona, Alaska. Now, what is in Gakona, Alaska, you ask?

HAARP! America’s High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program.

According to highly respected spiritual science brethren, apart from using destructive weather patterns as a weapon against brethren nations, HAARP is also being used to conjure waves and rays from Earth’s stratosphere, troposphere and mesosphere.

These waves and rays are then aimed at the minds of brethren leaders to turn them into violent liberthren.

Unfortunately, Nawaz’s mind was weak. And he uncannily allowed himself to be transformed from being a brethren into a liberthren.

He should have learned from Indian primer, Modi.

Modi watches TV while wearing a steel Bajaj motorcycle helmet. The waves and rays of HAARP are unable to penetrate his mind. He also has a specially designed suit made from ancient Vedic technology for this purpose.

Now, I know many brethren will be surprised by my praise for Modi. But, brethren, think! He may be anti-Pakistan, but at least he is not liberal, and his government hates liberthren, dear brethren.

So this was the first conspiracy. To transform Nawaz.

The second conspiracy against us has been the coming of General Raheel Sharif as Pakistan’s military chief.

He was never a brethren, dear brethren.

According to spiritual scientist brethren and anti-polio-dropping sisthren, Raheel is an android. He was built in the future, most probably in 2029, and sent back to infiltrate the Pakistan army.

In 2029 the world is being ruled by highly evolved (but inexpensive) Chinese microwave ovens. The ovens in this timeline will be defeated by the Pakistan army and fellow brethren like you and I and the peaceful farmers of North Waziristan.

So, the ovens, in 2029, are attempting to change the past and create an alternative timeline by building an android. They sent this android back to the 20th century where it managed to infiltrate the Pakistan army and become a general in 2013.

Think about it. Is this how a Pakistani military general behaves? Arresting brethren, banning brethren and quietly supporting a billi that stops brethren from beating up sisthren?

Why do you think the Chinese have decided to invest millions of dollars in Pakistan?

The Chinese want to make Pakistan into a Godless, communist, capitalist Changhong Ruba state. Apart from, of course, continuing to control their android, and adding fried frog legs to our daily diet.

So wake up, brethren! We are facing an invasion.

The liberthren claim to want to create Jinnah Ka Pakistan. What Jinnah Ka Pakistan? It is Bin Qasim Ka Pakistan. And now it is also becoming Jackie Chan Ka Pakistan.

And one such ploy to do this is to unleash the Women’s Protection Billi. Beware of this billi, brethren. It will turn us into a dangerous, amoral and destructive creature: Women.

Disclaimer: This article is categorised as satire.