Dear Auntie,

I have two children, a daughter and a son. The problem is my son’s behaviour. He is eight right now, but doesn’t act his age. Sometimes he acts as if he is three and makes sounds like that. He doesn’t listen to us when he is told to, which happens most of the time. He never stays quiet when someone is watching TV. And the most common complaint about him is that he hits other children a lot in school. The teachers don’t take it seriously though. But it gets on my nerves when he hits me or his sister continuously for at least an hour sometimes. I also wanted to have another child, but seeing his uncontrollable behaviour I stopped thinking about it.

We went to a professional also and one of the things she guided us to do is to be organised with him. His father like all husbands unfortunately doesn’t do that. So I am left alone to do that. My son is academically good and intelligent, but he forgets easily and has a low span of concentration also. Physically he is petite and doesn’t enjoy homemade food.

Helpless

Dear Mom,

Since the problem with your child seems to be persisting, you should continue your visits to the therapist or seek other professional help if you think that your experience with your last therapist was less than satisfactory. I agree with your therapist that your son should have a consistent and more predictable routine, which will help make him feel secure. You have to speak to your husband about setting rules and insist that both of you are on the same page on this matter.

Here are a few things that you could do to discipline your child. Try distraction. Redirect your child’s attention to an activity that is more appropriate, every time he acts up. For instance if he wants to jump on the bed, understand that he wants to expend energy and help him do that in an appropriate way by say, making him go outside to run around. Or if he is throwing around his toys, give him a ball to ‘throw around’ instead. Make sure the alternative activity that you suggest is similar to whatever your child wants to do.

When you speak to your son, make sure you are not screaming at him from another room. Ideally look him in the eye, so he knows that you mean what you say. Then say whatever you have to say to him clearly without mincing your words. For instance, tell him that you don’t approve of him hitting you, his sister or other kids. Tell him (without getting furious) that you think such behaviour is rude and disrespectful and that you expect him to behave more kindly.

Also harden your heart and don’t get drawn into explaining the reasons behind everything. The minute you do that, children will try to wear you down. Keep your authority, so that he understands that you mean business.

To stop misbehaviour, give the child some time to stop what he is doing by doing a countdown like, “I am going to count to three and you stop jumping on the sofa/hitting your sister,” or “ If you don’t stop I will take your colours away.” Then make sure you take those colours away without further explanations. Also don’t give warnings or threats that you cannot follow through. For instance, don’t say “If you don’t do your homework on time, you won’t get to watch TV ever.” That is clearly not going to happen, and you would be better off saying “You won’t be allowed to watch TV for three days.” Then make sure that you DO switch off the TV for three days. The consequences you state should be doable and you should absolutely follow through with what you say, if the need arises. Avoid empty threats.

Sometimes let you child suffer the natural consequences of whatever they do. If he doesn’t pack his bag for school the next day and forgets a book at home, let him deal with the teacher’s ire. Also instead of always stating ‘don’t do this or that’ try and give some direction by saying, “Do this instead.”

Insist that your child eat home cooked food — don’t give him alternatives for meals and if he chooses to go hungry, let him. He will not go hungry for too long! Make the effort and offer him healthy and delicious home cooked options every day, and also support him in cutting back on violent TV shows and games.

Finally, for your own sanity’s sake, pick your battles. For some of the minor things that he does, such as talking like a baby or laughing to annoy you, you are better off just ignoring it.

Hi Auntie,

Men, one way or the other, do fall for extra-marital relations and being in a professional organisation I see that every other man wishes or desires or is actually in such kind of relationship. I am used to hear this shared longing of married men when they come across a beauty or a potential candidate and sadly there is no distinction of young and old. Especially as a young married man on receiving positive vibes from the opposite sex, surely the fire is going to set?

The explosions are heard once they are caught red-handed by your spouse. One thing is for sure that most men do not want to disturb their marital life and they pick on chance romances (extra-marital) for fun or adding some adventure (with loud and clear apologies to all females). Though I did see a fling getting serious with one of my senior colleagues and actually getting divorced (and thrashed by his wife). Any suggestion on how to keep the temptations under control?

Cheers,
Married Men Association

Dear Cheery Men,

You sound thrilled by the idea of extra-marital affairs. Auntie is not so sure you are looking for ways to curb the temptation, but here goes…

You seem to think that all men are itching to have affairs but that is simply not true. There are people who stay true to their spouses and to start you off on your road to marital fidelity you might want to seek out men who are family-oriented and loyal to their wives and hang out with them. They may not seem very interesting to you, but trust Auntie, such people are out there and it is worth seeking them out.

To avoid entertaining the idea of cheating, begin by treating your marriage as the sacred bond that it is; which means you don’t fantasise or flirt when you are at work and do exactly what you go to work for everyday. In fact, start thinking of your spouse as someone who is privy to everything that you do in the office or wherever they are not present. If there are office parties where spouses are invited, make sure you take your spouse along and meet other colleagues’ partners, just to start seeing them as people with loving families. Avoid hanging out after work, alone with colleagues or friends of the opposite sex and if you find that you are attracted to a colleague or friend, recognise what is happening and nip it.

Do special things for your spouse. Call or text them from work a few times every day, and plan fun dates. Make a concerted effort to focus on what makes your spouse special and have as much fun with them as you can.

And in 2015, your spouse should have access to all areas of your life. At the very basic level that means your phone and your computer and all the passwords and security codes that go with it.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to:
auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, October 4th, 2015

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