Mardeela (aka Man Pulp) is a hybrid vegetable/fruit that is becoming popular among the middle-class men of our faithful republic.

The medical benefits of Mardeela have been known since ancient times. The Neanderthals are known to have used it to treat everything from general boredom to ideological indigestion.

In his book, Mardeela: The Natural Secret for a Vigorous Jaw & a Full Fat Moustache, Hakeem Shahid Masood states that Mardeela has been used as a medicine in Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Gujranwala and Planet Zion for at least 14 million years.

His proof? Harun Yahya. And Harun Yahya's proof? 'Star Wars III: Return of the Jedi.'

Dr. Masood speaking on the medicinal benefits of Mardeela. He said, 'this fruit will grow till the End of Times.'

Today, scientific research in Pakistan is providing hard evidence for the health benefits long associated with Mardeela. For example, in 2007 the Journal of the National Institute of Manic-Depression published the results of an epidemiological study indicating that Mardeela reduced the risk of sensibility in men by nearly 80 per cent.

Also, researchers at the University of Chakwal in Switzerland recently concluded that Mardeela inhibits and impedes the growth of brain cells, thus greatly reducing the chances of dangerous conditions such as Rational Thought that might lead to deadly diseases such as Common Sense. They warn that this grave disease may make you start looking and sounding like an intellectual, when, instead, one should always look like 'Mardeela taqat ka shahkaar', Atlas-e-Hind, Hamid Gul. Yea.

Hamid Gul saying, 'yea'.

Mardeela is also reputed to be helpful in regulating the levels of good cholesterol (HDL-[N]) – that can give you a glowing, charming, charismatic and rosy complexion like the one enjoyed by men such as Atlas-e-Punjab, Pa Nawaz, Pa Nawaz!

Nawaz imparting his Mardeela-induced charisma.

New evidence is emerging that Mardeela can also help dieters. The Punjab Journal of Nutrition & Schizophrenia published the results of a study at Lahore’s prestigious National University of Managerial & Botanical Sciences (NUMBS), in which researchers suggest that men who were given a combined extract of hyper rhetoric mixed with Mardeela burned more brain cells and calories than those who were given a mild amphetamine called Democraffeine.

The study said that Democraffeine led to an unhealthy medical condition called Khapay-ache — a hyper compulsive-obsessive disorder in which the patient keeps saying ‘khapay, khapay, khapay’ over and over again just for the heck of it.

This condition's remedy is only available in select hospitals of the Peoples Democratic Republic of Dubai.

A cat suffering from Khapay-ache, a painful cheek-to-cheek condition.

However, on the other end, the consumption of Mardeela led to a healthier and energetic condition called Oye Tsunami (OT).

OT is a robust state of mind and body that can be enjoyed during ‘Go Nawaz Go’ marathons from Westminster in London to the city of Lal-Masjidabad that replaced Islamabad as Pakistan's capital when Islamabad was destroyed in an earthquake brought upon by sin and debauchery in Kashmir, Karachi and Toba Tek Singh.

What's more, OT can help slow down the aging process in men and lead to an accelerated growth of facial hair (under the skin), and better prostrate performance.

OT can also eliminate the harmful bacteria that causes lethargic medical illnesses such as Patience and Logic.

Sir Imran is a good example of OT: Safe from harmful bacterial infections such as Logic.

Mardeela also contains a naturally-produced laxative called Altafatamine which guarantees long flowing tirades breaking the wind out of an airy-fairy neurotic state called Sensibility.

Mardeela also cures constitutional constipation usually brought upon by assorted Zardari-vascular ailments, especially in the 18th amended artery.

Chemicals like Orya-phosphate in Mardeela break down useless tissues such as Malala-ites thus making hearty reactionary pulp more digestible. Furthermore, Orya-phosphate along with enzymes like Media-zymes help protect the glands from unwanted bacterial viruses such as Objectivity and Sanity.

These are but only a few medicinal benefits of Mardeela. For a more expert and detailed list of these benefits, I recommend the famous book, 'Better Bowel Movement through Mardeela' by the renowned Greek homeopath, Dr. Hamza Ali Abbasi (MBBS/LLB/DDT).

'Wow, amazing!' A female admirer expressing her admiration for Dr. Hamza Ali Abbasi's book on Mardeela.