Dear Auntie, I am a single 30-something, who is the only child of a single parent. My mother was a working lady and she managed to give me quite a luxurious life growing up.

Five years ago, my mother was diagnosed with cancer, and due to her health was forced into early retirement. Her treatment took away all our combined savings, and while she was declared cancer-free this year, our savings are all gone. We now live paycheck to paycheck, and I am the only breadwinner as mom cannot find a job due to her age. We cannot afford big ticket purchases, and even if something costs Rs10,000 it needs to be budgeted for well in advance. Now the problem is that my mother seems not to be able to accept her financial dependence. This leads to several fights on a daily basis, when I tell her, for example, that we cannot buy a new TV right now, or that we cannot have the A/C switched on all day. I am regularly told that I am doing this deliberately because “money is dearer to me”, and ultimately I end up giving in, sometimes with the result that there is no money for food towards the end of the month. I was engaged, but my mother kept delaying the wedding for three years citing financial reasons, and the result was that my ex-fiancé’s family called off the wedding altogether. When I discuss the prospect of getting married, I am told there is no money and I should drop the idea for now.

My mom was offered a job as a freelance consultant with a relative; however she took it so casually that the relative decided not to engage her any further. Her lack of willingness to contribute is putting quite a lot of burden on me emotionally if not financially. I hate to admit this, but I ended up turning to smoking and occasionally to drugs and alcohol as a method of coping.

I finally took the decision of applying for immigration. I traded in my larger car for a smaller one and used the difference to finance my application. When my mother saw the smaller car, she expected me to hand over the money to her, but I refused and went ahead with the application, and you can imagine the reaction. Now that I have gotten my PR, my mom feels that I am “selfish” for going away without providing for her. She has resorted to emotional blackmail, telling me she will stay at an Edhi home because “no one cares about her”.

I really do not know how to deal with this. I have no intention of abandoning her, the objective of applying for immigration was a better life for both me and her … but I also want my life to be normal. I really need your help or I will go insane. Insane   Dear Pull-yourself-together, Let’s look at things from your mother’s point of view. She has been a single mom for a long time so you are pretty much all she’s got when it comes to family. She has also been very ill, and so probably feels vulnerable a lot of the time. So while she is very possessive, she does have some legitimate needs which are not being fulfilled, you might want to be a little compassionate and understanding in how you deal with her.

Having said that, your mother’s possessiveness towards you is not likely to change overnight. And so you should work on accepting how she is and work on changing how you respond to her. I would have asked you to seek professional help for this, but unfortunately that can be quite expensive.

To move forward with what you say you want to do, you have to stop feeling guilty. It is one thing that your mother is emotionally blackmailing you, it is quite another that you fall for it and sabotage your plans to go abroad. Your guilt is stemming from your love for your mother and the desire to break free from her control. Be careful that you don’t stop this guilt from putting your plans into action.

Also stop being angry at the situation. It is not helping your circumstances and only ends up making you feel bad. It also allows you to blame your mother for everything, when you are also to be blamed for the pattern between the two of you. Take an honest look at the role you played in enabling your mother’s behaviour. Why for instance did you give in to big purchases when money was tight?

Draw some boundaries between your mother and yourself. You are 30-something years old and have been an adult for a long time. If you are clear that you want to study or get married, you can. Simply tell her what you want to do and if she argues, criticises or blames you, refuse to get pulled in. Don’t be angry, just be matter-of-fact. And don’t feed the argument.

At the same time sit down with your mother to try and figure out what she can do while you are away. Is there any kind of work that she can do to keep herself busy? Does she need to get out and meet more people? Is she able to look after the house and her chores or does she need some help with that? Does she need some sort of interaction with her religious community or a spiritual leader?

Be kind to her, but change how you respond. If you think you are right about going abroad, it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks. Thank your mother for her opinion on this, tell her you’ll think about it and carry on with your plans.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to:auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, May 24th, 2015

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