Salam Khala,

I am at a very good place in life and at a very bad place, too. I have been talking to this girl in India for over a decade now and we have been in a long distance relationship for most of it. She is very nice and extremely stunning and from a different background and we accept each other’s faith. I am very open-minded and secular so I don’t mind her religion and neither does she. Feelings are mutual and we make plans to visit one another’s country and settle in a neutral one, too. But the problem is that she is completely like me. Our goals in life are alike, we share a taste for the same things, we both are workaholics and we both are afraid to break the news to our families. Our families know about each other, but only that their kids have friends in Pakistan and India respectively. We both have realised that if there will be relocating, it will be mutual and to a neutral location. But the problem is that both of us are the only responsible kids in the family and our elders look at us as their safest investments and we realise this too. They look up to us to be there when they are old and look after them. Both of us never wanted to relocate to a foreign country for a job or anything. Now that piles up to a lot of problems. I have been very confused lately and do not know what to do. I tried to break it off but she is all I have in the love compartment. Tell me how to ease off.

Setting Aman ki asha alight

 Dear Dumpee,

Ease off? You mean break up, right? Basically you want to know how to dump your girlfriend without hurting her. Sounds to me like you are just tired of her after a decade-long pyaar and looking for excuses — “family”, “we are too alike” — to end it. Well, let me break it to you: there is no nice way to break up.

Tell her that you need to Skype with her regarding something important. That should give her an idea that something is up and maybe get her ready for the bomb that is about to drop. I suggest you do it face-to-face over Skype and you do it now without dilly dallying because she really shouldn’t be in a relationship with you let alone marry you.

Now drop the guilt and stop with the excuses. The longer you stick with the relationship the longer you will feel guilty about hurting her. Just be honest, that you don’t think it will work out because of your family, country and your personality. Leave no room for doubt that this is the end. Curb all temptation to change your mind and through it all … treat her with respect and dignity.

It will be tough but it is the only way to do it. She will get emotional and might even start crying and accusing you of keeping her hanging for over 10 years. But you know that that is the truth so bear with it.  

Asalam Alaikum Khala jaani,

My husband and I have family friends who come to our house very regularly. They are nice people and we get along very well. The problem is that their eight-year-old son is very mean to our daughter and generally badly behaved. They are both the same age. Their son pulls my daughters hair, hits her, makes a mess in the room and breaks things. He doesn’t listen to anyone, either.

Some time I think after he leaves my daughter learns from him and also becomes aggressive. I am really annoyed and don’t know how I can scold their son and get him to stop.

Annoyed 

Dear In-Control,

House rules are important and expecting children — yours and guests’ — to follow them is also important. The next time your friend’s son comes over, tell him the rules and also the consequences of not following or breaking the rules. He is eight and should understand that rules are rules, and just make sure they are followed and that the consequences are reasonable.

Also give the child some leeway — he is eight after all and a boy — so is likely full of energy. You have a well-behaved daughter and it is a bit unfair to compare their behaviour. So go easy on him and don’t expect him to be as well-behaved as your own little girl. Once the child has heard your rules and knows that you are serious, keep an eye on him. If he continues with his antics, tell him upfront that he is flouting your rules and let him know that you want to call his parents to come over and take him away.

Tell his parents that you are teaching your daughter good manners. And let them know that if there is a problem you will call them. If he does misbehave then keep your perspective — he is after all a child — and don’t take drastic steps such as banning him completely from your house.

If his parents can’t teach him good manners from bad, then perhaps you can have a positive influence in his life.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to:

auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, May 3rd, 2015

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