Hello Auntie,

I am a teenager and want your opinion about something which is very important nowadays in my life. I have four sisters and I am second in order while my elder sister is only a year older than me. She gets all the sympathies even though both of us have the same routine. The only thing is that she is prettier than me. My mom is always asking me to follow her footsteps, but I don’t want to follow anyone and want my own life and identity. I am good in my studies, but no one gives my example to her. She is not good in studies so mom takes her to tuition academies, but does nothing for me.

I am doing everything by myself. We share a room. Whenever I clean the room I am not appreciated but whenever she cleans the room everyone appreciates her. Our parents are always differentiating between us. I am always trying to hide her mistakes, but she is always exposing mine. Still both of us are good friends. I also want people to appreciate me like she is appreciated on small things. Everyone in the house ignores me while she is a hot favourite. What should I do to make sure that people in the house feel my existence?

Ignored

Dear Noticed,

Seldom are all children in a family treated the same way. In fact, Auntie is tempted to make a sweeping statement as to say that doesn’t happen ever. Very often one child becomes the favourite, but parents usually don’t do this deliberately. For starters, you should try and see the situation objectively. Are you being totally fair in your evaluation? It may be that you are being supersensitive to certain attitudes. It could also be that you are contributing to the problem in some way (do you end up making things difficult for your parents in anyway?). Ask someone else (someone on the outside) how they see the situation and whether you are blowing things out of proportion.

If after an objective look at your situation, you still feel that you are the least favourite child, then the first step is to accept it. It won’t be easy, but once you have done that you should start focusing on yourself. Make a conscious and serious effort to become the best person you can possibly be. Work on your strengths and focus on things that will help you change your life for the better.

Also try having an honest discussion with your parents about this without resorting to blame or emotional blackmail. They might become more conscious of their attitude and behaviour towards all of you and you might see a change.

Dear Auntie,

I am an 18-year-old girl and my problem is that I have a very messed up family; especially my mother, who has some kind of a disorder. She had had anxiety problems in the past. She hoards every useless thing, from used tooth brushes to expired items to ragged clothes. Our whole house is full of them and it really looks like a trash dumpster. Also she and my dad are very unhygienic. They never care about the cleanliness of surroundings. My dad does not say anything to her because if someone tries to make her see things she starts shouting and yelling at the top of her lungs. She starts acting like a two-year-old and sometimes when they fight on serious matters, she even hits him. In fact, if someone angers her, her second option, after yelling and screaming, is to hit the person. She does not listen to anyone. She’s a recluse and very anti-social. Because of her, no one comes to meet us. Even our maids hate working at our house. I do not understand how my dad is still married to her; maybe because he is out of the country for more than half of the year. Also, my dad feels that his only responsibility is to provide us with good education. I do not remember him ever saying a kind word to me. All of this upsets me and my little brother. All these years I could not discuss it with anyone because this is so embarrassing. I have finally mustered up the courage to ask someone for help. I feel like running away from this hell. Everyone else has such caring parents, seeing this makes me want to cry. I know she will not go to a psychiatrist. I want to become detached from this ordeal so that it does not affect my studies. Please help us.

Disordered

Dear Daughter,

You say your mother has some kind of disorder and in my reply I am going to assume that, that is the case, even if it sounds like she has not been properly diagnosed by a psychiatrist.

From your letter one can sense that while you understand that your mother has a mental disorder, you don’t fully understand and accept that it is not your mother’s fault. Perhaps the first step you could take is try to be more compassionate and nicer towards hers, instead of blaming her for yelling or hoarding or not being as caring as someone else’s parent.

You must also get a relative or a family member involved in the situation, who can convince your mother to seek professional help. You would do the same if your mom had an illness with physical symptoms, right. And mental illness requires the professional intervention of a psychiatrist. Read up as much as you can about your mother’s disorder once she is diagnosed properly and also consider therapy for yourself and your brother if possible.

Finally, take care of yourself. You clearly find your mother’s illness emotionally draining and it is important that you find ways to take care of yourself.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, January 25th, 2015

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