Dear Aunt,

I am a 31-year-old working mom with a child. My problem is that my husband is moving to Lahore due to his job. I can’t leave my job here as I have recently joined this company and am quite happy with it. My husband is now forcing me to go with him. We’re having a lot of disputes over this issue daily.

My question is why do women have to make all the sacrifices? Why should I go if I am happy and content here. Kindly advise me what I should do.

Working woman

Dear Half-a-couple,

Women do not always have to make all the sacrifices. That is just a perception and if you really look around you will find instances of husbands who have made sacrifices for their wives.

The only real way of making a decision in your case, is if both of you sit down and look carefully at the pros and cons of moving to Lahore. You have to do this trusting that your husband is thinking for the two of you. Similarly, you have to also see things from your husband’s point of view when you get down to decide. Sit together and weigh everything, honestly and open-mindedly. If you move, how do you intend to replace what you have lost? If you stay, how will your husband advance his career?

Generally though, the person who has the least to lose has to make the sacrifice at this point; the person who ‘wins’ has to appreciate what the other has sacrificed for them and make an effort to compensate them in some way.

 Hello Auntie,

I’m a 20-year-old girl doing my Bachelor’s. I have a bad, bad habit. I like cutting myself. Whenever I am angry, whenever something goes wrong in my life I get upset. I cry a lot and my blood pressure rises. I eventually end up with cutting my arms or thighs. It’s been like this for more than six years. It’s like an addiction for me. I’ve tried throwing away my blades and I’ve tried to do other things to calm myself down but nothing works.

Maybe it’s all cognitive, but I don’t know what to do. My wrists and arms are always bruised and I have scars that will never go away. I hate myself so much. I’ve tried committing suicide twice but it didn’t work. I am so disturbed. My parents don’t see my scars, because they’re always hidden. And I don’t blame them for anything.

I’m their only child so I don’t really have anyone to talk to about my feelings. I don’t feel comfortable talking to people about myself. I wrote to you because no one would know who I am. Please help me.

Depressed

Dear Heal-yourself, You have found the courage to talk about your cutting and this is a very positive first step towards healing yourself. You, of course, already know that there are better ways to deal with the pain that is leading you to cut yourself. And really the only way to rid yourself of your habit is to get to the root of the problems that are causing you to do this.

You have told Auntie about your troubles, how about telling someone else who you can trust and talk to? If you really can’t talk to your parents, could you talk to a relative or a teacher or perhaps the school counsellor? If you find it difficult to talk about the issue, maybe you could write a letter to the person you trust. Tell this person what feelings lead you to cutting yourself. If you feel that your chosen confidant is trying to downplay your problems (a lot of people think that young people outgrow their problems or that a problem is ‘just a phase’, which is not always the case), simply seek help from someone else.

Eventually though you need to work out your issues with a mental health professional. While you seek professional help, start to actively think about how you plan to cope when the urge to cut strikes. You may need to try different things in order to cope with your feelings. Try distracting yourself from the urge by calling someone, doing some form of exercise or watching TV. Also experiment with breathing exercises or some form of relaxing yoga to calm yourself down. You could also write out your feelings or paint and draw your emotions to let them out.

It is possible to break your habit, but you will have to experiment with different things to see what helps you. Your eventual goal should be to seek quality professional help.

Seeing a therapist does not mean that you are crazy. These people are trained to help you cope with the pain life throws at you and help you heal.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to:

auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, August 31, 2014