Dear Auntie, I am a 28-year-old girl with excellent educational background, high-flying career and considerable good looks. But I am single; belong to a middle-class family and from a minority sect. My problem is that I am finding it hard to find a suitable guy for myself. I never had male friends even though I studied in a coeducation school. Now there is a proposal from a well-off, educated and decent family. But I have met their son once and I didn’t like him mainly because he didn’t match my intellectual level.

My parents are worried about me and want me to marry him because they are saying I cannot wait forever to find someone who is exactly how I imagined. However, I don’t have too many desires just someone belonging to my sect and who can become a good companion and not just a husband. I really want to get married, but not like this so should I resist and wait more for someone ‘great’ perhaps or just take a leap of faith?

Please advise me because I am too worried to think and decide what is right for me. And even with all the accomplishments I am so depressed that I feel like killing myself but then stop after thinking of my parents. Worried Sick

Dear Girl,

Finding the right person to marry is not always easy as you are discovering. Even when you think you have found the right person you may have doubts and that’s completely normal and healthy. Regarding this man that you have met, don’t you think judging him after just one meeting is a little unfair? Auntie thinks you would require at least three meetings to come to some kind of conclusion about him and his intellectual level. If he is free of any obvious destructive habits, such as bragging or meanness or addictions and if he doesn’t have any health issues (someone from your end will need to do some research here) it might be worth meeting him again and getting to know him a little better.

One of the issues in the world today is an unhealthy focus on seeking perfection. Whether you are pursuing the perfect phone, the perfect job or the perfect spouse, this pursuit often leads to a general state of frustration. And as you well know perfection is just not possible. This is precisely what your parents are telling you.

Even if you fall in love at first sight with someone ‘great’ and marry them, you will have to learn to accept their flaws and imperfections in order to succeed at marriage. All relationships require patience and commitment if they are to last.

So unless this man has some obvious destructive habits, could you meet him again and try and focus on what’s right with him?

If he said something stupid to you in the first meeting, could it be because he was nervous? Auntie thinks that you should give him at least two more chances and be a little kinder when judging him. Go to the meeting expecting him to be a great guy and try to find the good in him. Remember, you can find whatever he is doing very irritating or you can look beyond his behaviour at what is really going on. If after all this you still can’t see yourself married to him, by all means say no.

Salam Auntie, I am an 18-year-old girl with a very serious problem. The problem lies with my father. Even though he’s a good person free from all sort of bad stuff, I find that he is tense sometimes. He has good relations with my mum and brother and he somewhat cares for my sister, but I am far away from his love circle. I don’t know why being the eldest I feel that I should be the closest one to him, but he never gave me that love which a daughter wants. It’s not that we don’t talk or sit together, we do, but we never share and enjoy any family stuff together. He’s too busy with his work. Whenever he asks me to do anything for him (like iron his clothes or to bring him a glass of water) I try to do it with all my love, but he never appreciates it. He never ever smiles at me and he never kisses my forehead. I always thought that there must be something that’s bothering him, but I couldn’t find what that is.

I sometimes want to discuss my life with him and share my problems with him but that doesn’t happen. All my wishes are fulfilled but through other members of my family, although my father is the one who pays to fulfill my wishes. My mum and my siblings are my world, but my world is incomplete without my dad. Sometimes I get angry with my siblings and my father and other times I let go of what my father doesn’t do for me. I always think about my friends who have super dads who love them.

Broken! Dear Daughter,

Traditionally males and females are taught to communicate differently. Men are usually taught not to express their feelings and so they learn early on to hide their fears, pains and insecurities. Women on the other hand are taught to express their personal feelings and this difference in how both communicate probably forms a big part of the problem you are facing. Also can you try and be a little more objective about your own behaviour? Is there something you do subconsciously that you know irritates or annoys your father, such as trying to start a conversation with your father when he is preoccupied or tired?

Try not to jump to conclusions if your father didn’t appreciate it when you did a chore for him. His behaviour may have roots in how he was brought up and he just doesn’t know how important a pat on your head or verbal appreciation would be for you. Try not to make assumptions about your father, as that can further hurt the relationship.

Your father may be behaving in an emotionally distant manner, because he is probably wrapped up in his own problems. While it is not easy to do, you might want to be more understanding of his behaviour. You might also want to understand that how your father behaves is his choice and is not your fault. Most likely your father is dealing with his owns issues and as a result has put up these barriers to protect himself. And since he is not good with expressing himself the emotional distance persists.

In the meantime, continue asserting yourself. Keep discussing how you feel even if your father seems indifferent. If you get angry, try and avoid fighting or raising your voice as this will only create more distance between the two of you. On the contrary you should continue to do all that you do (and more) for your father out of love, just to reassure him that you do love him. In the meantime, cultivate the bond with your mom and your siblings and any friends and relatives that you feel close to.   Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, August 17th, 2014