It is surprising when so many people ask, ‘what is ailing Pakistan and what can be done about it?’ The answer is right there, but perhaps it is not to our liking.

Pakistan came into being in the name of Islam. It was supposed to be the world’s first modern Islamic state with Shariah laws, pious caliphs, beautiful mosques, lots of date palm trees and healthy camels too.

Had we stuck to delivering the original purpose of creating Pakistan, Pakistan today would have been one of the most powerful, prosperous and pious nations with its own colonies and influence, especially in and over Hindustan.

Instead of being the cronies of the West, we would have been conquerors, crafting our own swords and breeding our own camels. But that was not to be.

Feudal lords and bureaucrats with the help of a Westernised army and the malicious intent of the Bengali, Sindhi, Baloch and Pakhtun nationalists, robbed the people of Pakistan of their dream of living in a true Islamic state. But that dream remained alive. General Ziaul Haq did try to realise it in the 1980s, but secular politicians continued to impede his gallant efforts until the brave general was assassinated in mid-air plane explosion apparently by a misguided Umayyad agent.

For over 60 years our corrupt rulers (except those belonging to the army) have throttled all efforts to make Pakistan into what it was supposed to be: a modern, powerful, meat-eating, date-palm-planting, sword-wielding and Arabic speaking pious state and caliphate.

Corrupt secular rulers (secularism is inherently corrupt) with the help of the Christian West, Hindu India, Zionist Israel and pagan Bengalis and now Baloch, have continued to undermine Islam and the Muslim ummah that was looking towards Pakistan to bomb and conquer all of the Middle East, Africa and Asia (except Saudi Arabia).

The respite from this secular-thus-corrupt civilian rulers’ onslaught came during Gen Ziaul Haq Shaheed’s 11 years of blessed rule in which faith ruled supreme and every (Muslim) Pakistani was given a Kalashnikov, and when heroin helped curb and decimate alcoholism in society.

Those were brilliant moves that made people all around the world sit up and take notice of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan. But, alas, the greatest modern neo-Abbasid caliph fell dead from the skies and so did Pakistan’s cherished dream of becoming a truly pious state.

People who are so concerned and confused about all the problems Pakistan is facing today should stop navel-gazing about things like democracy, provincial autonomy, terrorism, energy shortage and what not.

These are not our main problems. The answer to all our leading problems — such as, obscenity, secular corruption, Indian films, Persian words in Urdu, not enough Arabic words, alcohol-based perfumes, not enough Islamic banking, barber shops that continue to offer shaving services, women who refuse to wear the hijab/ burqa/ niqab/ tent, CD shops, kite flying, dog breeding, dog shows, not enough camels, more mango farms than date farms, etc. — lie in the imposition of a caliphate.

It is also worrying that in a so-called Islamic Republic we still have about 2pc non-Muslims. How can we tolerate that? It is our duty to convert them. Equally worrying is this growing habit of our corrupt secular rulers and their equally corrupt supporters to call true jihadists and potential purveyors of a true Islamic state, the Taliban and Al Qaeda, terrorists and extremists. Shame on us.

So yes, the solution to Pakistan’s many problems lies in the imposition of a caliphate in which every citizen is an (Arabic speaking) Muslim; where there are no useless minorities or heretical sects; where women are free to give birth to as many male Muslim babies as their husbands want them to; where there are no ethnicities; where men all look and behave alike (true equality, this); where women can only be seen in their households by mehrams; and where mango trees are replaced with date palms.

Now that we know what Pakistan requires, how can we achieve it? It’s simple: the army, media and the judiciary should join hands to get rid of all politicians. Then they should form a government headed by pious drone-downing men who should then negotiate a peace deal with the Taliban. After the deal, the Taliban should be allowed to form a shura (assembly of wise male elders, and/or those with the most weaponry, camels and date palms). The shura should then elect a caliph who is ready to impose strict laws, especially those that constitute public whippings. Yummy.

How hard can this be? Not at all. All we need to do is to have the will, and the right man (yes, only a man) at hand to be proclaimed as caliph. We should be ready to let go of our tainted claims of being one ethnicity or the other, or looking towards Western-style democracy.

Instead, we should look towards Chinese democracy — until, of course, we reach the prescribed aim of electing a caliph who can then go to war with China as well because they eat snakes, dogs and frogs. Al-Yuckie!