It is surprising when so many people ask, ‘what is ailing Pakistan and what can be done about it?’ The answer is right there, but perhaps it is not to our liking.

Pakistan came into being in the name of Islam. It was supposed to be the world’s first modern Islamic state with Shariah laws, pious caliphs, beautiful mosques, lots of date palm trees and healthy camels too.

Had we stuck to delivering the original purpose of creating Pakistan, Pakistan today would have been one of the most powerful, prosperous and pious nations with its own colonies and influence, especially in and over Hindustan.

Instead of being the cronies of the West, we would have been conquerors, crafting our own swords and breeding our own camels. But that was not to be.

Feudal lords and bureaucrats with the help of a Westernised army and the malicious intent of the Bengali, Sindhi, Baloch and Pakhtun nationalists, robbed the people of Pakistan of their dream of living in a true Islamic state. But that dream remained alive. General Ziaul Haq did try to realise it in the 1980s, but secular politicians continued to impede his gallant efforts until the brave general was assassinated in mid-air plane explosion apparently by a misguided Umayyad agent.

For over 60 years our corrupt rulers (except those belonging to the army) have throttled all efforts to make Pakistan into what it was supposed to be: a modern, powerful, meat-eating, date-palm-planting, sword-wielding and Arabic speaking pious state and caliphate.

Corrupt secular rulers (secularism is inherently corrupt) with the help of the Christian West, Hindu India, Zionist Israel and pagan Bengalis and now Baloch, have continued to undermine Islam and the Muslim ummah that was looking towards Pakistan to bomb and conquer all of the Middle East, Africa and Asia (except Saudi Arabia).

The respite from this secular-thus-corrupt civilian rulers’ onslaught came during Gen Ziaul Haq Shaheed’s 11 years of blessed rule in which faith ruled supreme and every (Muslim) Pakistani was given a Kalashnikov, and when heroin helped curb and decimate alcoholism in society.

Those were brilliant moves that made people all around the world sit up and take notice of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan. But, alas, the greatest modern neo-Abbasid caliph fell dead from the skies and so did Pakistan’s cherished dream of becoming a truly pious state.

People who are so concerned and confused about all the problems Pakistan is facing today should stop navel-gazing about things like democracy, provincial autonomy, terrorism, energy shortage and what not.

These are not our main problems. The answer to all our leading problems — such as, obscenity, secular corruption, Indian films, Persian words in Urdu, not enough Arabic words, alcohol-based perfumes, not enough Islamic banking, barber shops that continue to offer shaving services, women who refuse to wear the hijab/ burqa/ niqab/ tent, CD shops, kite flying, dog breeding, dog shows, not enough camels, more mango farms than date farms, etc. — lie in the imposition of a caliphate.

It is also worrying that in a so-called Islamic Republic we still have about 2pc non-Muslims. How can we tolerate that? It is our duty to convert them. Equally worrying is this growing habit of our corrupt secular rulers and their equally corrupt supporters to call true jihadists and potential purveyors of a true Islamic state, the Taliban and Al Qaeda, terrorists and extremists. Shame on us.

So yes, the solution to Pakistan’s many problems lies in the imposition of a caliphate in which every citizen is an (Arabic speaking) Muslim; where there are no useless minorities or heretical sects; where women are free to give birth to as many male Muslim babies as their husbands want them to; where there are no ethnicities; where men all look and behave alike (true equality, this); where women can only be seen in their households by mehrams; and where mango trees are replaced with date palms.

Now that we know what Pakistan requires, how can we achieve it? It’s simple: the army, media and the judiciary should join hands to get rid of all politicians. Then they should form a government headed by pious drone-downing men who should then negotiate a peace deal with the Taliban. After the deal, the Taliban should be allowed to form a shura (assembly of wise male elders, and/or those with the most weaponry, camels and date palms). The shura should then elect a caliph who is ready to impose strict laws, especially those that constitute public whippings. Yummy.

How hard can this be? Not at all. All we need to do is to have the will, and the right man (yes, only a man) at hand to be proclaimed as caliph. We should be ready to let go of our tainted claims of being one ethnicity or the other, or looking towards Western-style democracy.

Instead, we should look towards Chinese democracy — until, of course, we reach the prescribed aim of electing a caliph who can then go to war with China as well because they eat snakes, dogs and frogs. Al-Yuckie!

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Comments (121)

August 18, 2013 8:07 am

Pakistan needs modern caliphate like ansar-ul- abbasi to achieve true islamic state.

August 18, 2013 9:32 am

Hilarious, in this fun you have descried everything that is a problem. And surprisingly a lot of majority of people believe this ti be the solution, i wonder how they think. I have been told many a times that saying Khuda Hafiz is useless and saying Allah Hafiz is very effective. I am normally surrounded by community of highly educated Pakistanis generally. I wonder how things will start being on track. We need more writers like this.

August 18, 2013 9:49 am

Are your satirical articles being translated in Urdu and other regional languages; If not, then please get them translated and make them published in all Urdu and regional newspapers ; so that people are able to understand the satire and make true judgement about this great satirist genius .

August 18, 2013 10:07 am

Feudal lords and bureaucrats with the help of a Westernised army and the malicious intent of the Bengali, Sindhi, Baloch and Pakhtun nationalists, robbed the people of Pakistan of their dream of living in a true Islamic state"

As if the Punjab is most pious.

August 18, 2013 10:32 am

good satire!!!but most pakistani will miss the point for sure

Dr. Anwer
August 18, 2013 11:12 am

Nadeem Paracha ... always a pleasure to read his articles. This one is a rollicking satire !

Abid Nazri
August 18, 2013 11:22 am

Bravo ! NFP keep wielding your sword - The Qalm !!

August 18, 2013 11:24 am

Splendidly funny.

"Yaani have more camels, it is more better not to use condoms"

August 18, 2013 11:32 am

Yet again made my day, kudos to Nadeem

Saif Mahsud
August 18, 2013 11:40 am

@BISWAJIT ROY: And what makes you think most Indians will get it ?!

Fouad Khan
August 18, 2013 12:10 pm

You are wrong my friend. Pakistan was founded by India's secular elite who only wanted a western style democracy here with the purism of capitalism at play in the markets. If it hadn't been for those pesky mullahs we'd be eating caviar in our paans and drinking condensed milk and honey. Just like our neighbor next door, where the experiment of democracy has been so successful, the ultra-poor are allowed to build their shanties right next to the billion dollar Antilla. If only the moneyed elite were allowed to rule us in the name of democracy, uninterrupted by the middle-classiyay journals (who made the mistake of actually letting some economic growth and middle-class expansion in this country happen out of their folly), we'd be shining beacons of prosperity just like our neighbors next door. Never mind that every country that has lifted itself out of poverty in the last sixty years has done it under a system other than democracy. What is empirical evidence in the face of democratic fundamentalism.

Nasser Azmi
August 18, 2013 12:14 pm

And NFP continues to rip through the facade, the illusion and the delusions we have been creating in our heads. He's a genuine iconoclast. Kudos, bro.

Baber Khan
August 18, 2013 12:33 pm

Yes, indeed! And if this dowesn't work, try the secular way - the Egyptian army way!

Khalid Pathan
August 18, 2013 12:46 pm

NFP in this piece of satire is at his best. Replace his name with that of Zaaid Hamid, and everyone will take it as a serious agenda and strategy to establish Khilafat in Pakistan.

Nasser Azmi
August 18, 2013 1:00 pm

@Khalid Pathan: True. It's one of his trademark subtle satires in which he clearly targets some of his more conservative readers knowing well that they would read it as a serious piece. :) He's a master at that.

Nadir Osman
August 18, 2013 2:33 pm

Adding to what NFP has said, we have very few Date Palm Trees & camels. Fortunately, they have transplanted a few date palms near my house, this has made the area more islamic. Pakistan also needs to do something about its neighbours; India, Afghanistan & Iran, as they are all our enemies. Probably the fish in the Indian Ocean too, could be classified as enemies. If we could take Pakistan to the Moon, may be the environment, there would be more friendly. Untill then, we should allocate our bombs for each our enemies, keeping a few for China, just in case.

August 18, 2013 2:37 pm

@BISWAJIT ROY: An Indian caught the point. I praise your intelligence sir! It was sooooo hard to get it. :) How about cleaning your own mess and let us clean ours? Sounds fair?

August 18, 2013 3:16 pm

We have successfully got rid of pagan bangalis we just need to get rid of illetrate sindhis, unlawful balochs and terrorist pathans. Then we will be left with one task to make this great nation arabic speaking, camel breeding and date palm growing. That task is starving the traitor serikis by denying them their share of water ehich we as the greatest nation has already initiated. Long live caliph "sharif".

Danish Qadimi
August 18, 2013 3:38 pm

@Fouad Khan: Lets see: Germany (in the aftermath of WW2) France (in the aftermath of WW2) UK (in the aftermath of WW2)

Japan South Korea Ghana Indonesia] Malaysia Barbados

And if you want to look within the Muslim worls, look at Iran and Turkey. Both with roughly the same population, similar levels of education. Iran has worlds 5th largest reserves of oil. Turkey's GDP: USD 12000, Iran: USD 4500

Capt C M Khan
August 18, 2013 3:44 pm

NFP you have a valid point but we are already on the right track. We are teaching only Islamic History in schools, the pre-Islam history does not matter. We have hundreds of thousands of Jihadis and scores of Suicide Bombers. We keep killing/persecuting our brothers in the name of Islam. we control the KPK and Balochistan. So what if the new generation is not finding job opportunites in Internatinal markets we have the Markets of Afgnaistan and Somalia. To give trainig to the new generation we are making a new shipping company know as PASS ( Pakistan, Afghanistan, Somali and Saudia) Sharea Shipping. The CEO is going to be Imran Khan and the minister of Shipping from Jamaat-e-Islami.We are definetly on the right track brother.

August 18, 2013 4:02 pm

hats of to you was stupendous.

shado charya
August 18, 2013 4:06 pm

Dude, you are something... Well done and keep it up. As Cowasjee said, never stop writing what is right to write.... someday it will make a difference..

August 18, 2013 4:19 pm

Worst is yet to come in Pakistan’s double Civil War of necessity.

First Civil War is that of transition from rural/agrarian to urban/industrial economy, the second of alignment with globalization and free trade.

The move from rural/agrarian to urban/industrial means Civil War. England under Cromwell in 17th century, France in Revolution in the 18th, America in mid 19th, Russia and China in beginning 20th.

4 Laws of Civil War 1. Neither short-lived, nor bloodless 2. Undertaken when external threats no more 3. Enemies never interfere in Civil Wars 4. System comes out stronger

Civil Wars resolve socio-economic contradictions, city wins over countryside, Military Industrial complex replaces Feudal-military. Why should Pakistan be different?

American agrarian South to industrializing North Civil War lost 10% military age men = 6 million dead for Pakistan today.

Pakistan’s second war is between its two “Primal” sects (not later Shia and later Sunni). For first 225 years Islam had 2 political factions, the “A” and “B”, Republic and Democracy in the Athenian lingo. A are Free Traders, the B Monopolists. A for Free Enterprise, B for Controlled Enterprise. The A for Justice (Adl), B for Equity (Insaf, of TPI). The A pro-Christian (and pro-Hindu), the B anti both. The A for civilizational dialogue, the B for Jihad, the A are Mohammedan, the B for Kaliphate. Guess who is who? Tired of A-B conflict, after 250 years Muslims founded a new “I am ok, you are ok” religion or sect, the Sunnism. But the issues swept under the rug then can not be anymore. Evading reality, 80% of Islam today is simply spectator.

The 2 Civil Wars show Pakistan’s strength, not weakness. What other system could survive 30 years of internal warfare – India, UK, Canada? With Pakistan becoming nuclear and trouncing USSR, it could afford an internal conflict because existential threat disappeared, and “A” are emboldened by their recent victories and by “B” setbacks worldwide, raising the ante.

American Civil War reduced Lincoln to malnutrition, but America emerged to lead the world. Pakistan will come out of 2 Civil Wars stronger, more aligned to globalization and Free Trade. Islam being the natural religion of the Trading Era just as Christianity and Hinduism/Buddhism were for Agrarian, Pak’s fundamentals are solid, will shoot like a rocket Inshallah, and soon. Indian readers, your second Civil War and carnage is yet to come, possibly in

Ghalib Khan
August 18, 2013 4:19 pm


The Question is whom are Indian Voters going to vote for the the Party which Kills Minorities to win the votes, or the Party which stages False Terrorist Attacks on its own soil, and frames its neighbor for votes.

Tough Choice I must say both have a good strategy,

August 18, 2013 4:32 pm

Paracha saheb, you rocks as usual. Sometimes I surf Dawn webpage only to check if any new article of you has been published,,,,,will meet you once in my life....

August 18, 2013 4:46 pm

Sad, how close to the truth this article is.

August 18, 2013 5:13 pm


Punjab is the root cause of all happening in our beloved country

August 18, 2013 5:22 pm


Pakistan needs Kaliphate as one needs migraines.

August 18, 2013 5:33 pm

@Fouad mate u really didn't get sarcasm

August 18, 2013 5:51 pm

@Ali: Punjab is indeed the most pious. Doesn't it provide the largest number of pious Islamist 'defenders of faith' who ensure, through their 'enlightened' (i.e., lots of bright light with loud bangs) efforts, that Pakistan gets rid of all non-pious versions of Islam.

August 18, 2013 5:51 pm

@madan: I have also requested many time to NFP to translate his write-ups in Urdu and other local languages of Pakistan because his articles are more relevant to those people who have no access to internet and/or Dawn.

Hats off to NFP! keep writing! stay safe and blessed.

Left is Right
August 18, 2013 6:11 pm

NFP, bear in mind that olny Hazrat Moulana IK RA is able to deliver the true Caliphate envisioned by Hazrat Ziaul Haq Shaheed and Allama Zaid Hamid RA.

Qamer Uddin
August 18, 2013 6:35 pm

As always wonderful piece of writing. But sometime when i read NF articles.... I found readers comments more interesting.

August 18, 2013 6:59 pm

When it comes to controlling human beings, there is no better instrument than lies. Because you see, humans live by beliefs even the religious belief, and beliefs can be manipulated. The power to manipulate beliefs is the only thing that counts. I don’t think Pakistan was created on the basis of religion…It is simple and it is a fact none of our founder were religious. Their doctrine were based on a secular state…

August 18, 2013 7:19 pm

Great piece of satire. Keep it up.

August 18, 2013 7:43 pm

Nadeem Paracha has started his campaign to be the first Emir of Pakistan under the tribal rule of Taliban, Al-Qaeda, Jihadees, suicide bombers. Good luck Nadeem!

August 18, 2013 8:06 pm

No Mr Paracha Zia was an example of .true Ummayyad

August 18, 2013 8:14 pm

Nadeem have awesome talent at penmanship.

You craft absolute masterpieces.....

I hope sooner or later,you come to face the REALITY-the cold,stark reality that is apparent as sun in high noon to all kaffurs of the world.

And,that sad reality is that Islam and secularism are INCOMPATIBLE!!!!!

August 18, 2013 8:17 pm

@Saif Mahsud: At least the ones on this page do !

August 18, 2013 8:18 pm

@Baber Khan: Egyptian Army way aka Semblance of Sanity Way!!!:):)

August 18, 2013 8:23 pm

@Saif Mahsud: 75% of Indians will...they don't need to tussle with their psyche as to the worth or worthlessness of secularism!

Muslim-Pakistanis seem to STRUGGLE with the conflict of the psyche that secularism should be worth or worthless!

August 18, 2013 8:23 pm

@Biswajit Roy- Your comment was in bad taste and deserved the rely from Saif Mahsud.Please do not post comments which give a bad name to Indians. We Indians were lucky that our founding fathers were able to guide the country towards liberal, secular and democratic values. The Pakistanis were unfortunate in that sense ( Jinnah and liaqat Khan died early).

August 18, 2013 8:25 pm

@sumair: Pakistan needs a collective psychotherapy as to figure out the inner tussle among Muslims as to what is basic human decency and what is religious piety!

August 18, 2013 8:29 pm

@Nasser Azmi : The Muslims were ultimate iconoclasts-demolishing thousands and thousand of statues in the sub continent in a frenzy of piety-and now,they seem to need a master iconoclast,who uses a pen albeit,the demolish dogmas and ghosts to be exorcised!

August 18, 2013 8:37 pm

You've out outdone yourself, sir!! Oh wow :D

Ghani K.
August 18, 2013 8:50 pm

NFP , Is n't it ironical that founding father, Mr. MAJinnah created a homeland for us without riding a camel & without swinging a sword ? Even Marxists could not do , of all people, you should know.

August 18, 2013 9:10 pm

Only NFP knows how to really put down these illiterate fanatic, sectarian, hateful, exclusivity advocating idiot Mullahs. Well done. Here is what I think is wrong with Pakistan ( I am not adding any thing new that NFP hasn't said already. Just making it pithy).........Mullahs, Military and Politicians, in that order.

August 18, 2013 9:16 pm

@Fouad Khan: Please check your history, actually Mullah's were against creating Pakistan.

Krish Chennai
August 18, 2013 9:28 pm

There is a deadpan serious humour behind this great satirical stuff. When I went to Malaysia about 25 years ago for the first time, a German tourist told me " If India and China have solved their own (economic) problems, the whole world has solved its problems". I can virtually hear this guy say today, "If India, Pakistan, Bangladesh and you South Asians have solved your economic problems, the whole world....." We have met the enemy, and the enemy is us.

Tariq K Sami
August 18, 2013 10:07 pm

@AbbasToronto: Agree. "Khuda tughe kisi toofan say ashna kar dey, kay teray bahar ki mojon mein istarab nahien". If it looks really bad to some of us remember that just within 20 years of the destruction of Baghdad (1260),by Helagu Khan his children and grandchildren had converted to Islam and the Turkick- Mongols tribes were then the first line of defence of Islam. Every nation that converted to Islam produced its own hero a few examples :Tariq Bin Zayad a Berber. Saladdin the Great a Kurd. Mohammad Ali Jinnah (razi-allah) an Indian.

August 18, 2013 11:30 pm

the malicious intent of the Bengali, Sindhi, Baloch and Pakhtun nationalists, robbed the people of Pakistan of their dream of living in a true Islamic state...... NFP you didn`t mention here punjabis so here "the people of pakistan " the people of punjab according to your column

August 18, 2013 11:38 pm

NFP does it best........lot of satirical humour.

August 18, 2013 11:38 pm

NFP does it best........lot of satirical humour.

saleem shah
August 18, 2013 11:42 pm


August 18, 2013 11:56 pm

Blame it all on Zia and mullahs, eh? We've had dictators, massacres, political conflicts, floods, ethnic violence, poverty, corruption, all which can be blamed on Zia.

This is just another blame game.

How about instead of looking at the "beauty" of the past which the elite enjoyed, we look to the future?

MKNaeem (Lahore)
August 19, 2013 12:14 am

@nasser: & Should have mentioned Karachi & its lawlessness ,Punjab has nothing to do with it.

August 19, 2013 12:28 am

@Tariq K Sami AOA

Nishan Yehi Hai Zamane Mein Zinda Qoumon Ka
Ke Subh-O-Sham Badalti Hain In Ki Taqdeerain

I visited my in laws in Russia in 1983/84 and found it a happy, peaceful, vibrant place. Six years later people were starving in streets.

In 1970s under Ecevit Istanbul’s carnage was worst than Karachi’s. Today, there is peace and prosperity.

The American Civil war reduced Lincoln to malnutrition. 25 years later USA had surpassed UK in production, and in another 25 it led the West.

Those who look at Pakistan and shake their heads with dismay are ill-wishers. Their wishes will never come true, Inshallah.

Yes, Mongols did convert to Islam, but not to the one they destroyed. Arab Kaliphate, now anti-Quranic anti-Mohammedan, had become so oppressive that the populace begged the infidel Mongols to come to rescue. At Baghdad gates Hulagu Khan sent a curious query to Islamic clergy asking "who is better in Islam, a just infidel or an oppressive Muslim?" The unanimous fatwa was for the former, so he promptly sacked Baghdad killing 750,000 of Salafi types of its 2 million residents ending the Arab Kaliphate once and for all, saving Muslims from Arabs forever. Christian Ferdinand did the same in Arab Spain 200 years later, saving Western civilization from Arab Salafi barbarism. Future Islam glory would be Turkish, Pesian, Indian, never Arab. Tomorrow will bring the same ill winds to Arab-lovers for the second time who have not learnt the first lesson.

August 19, 2013 12:40 am

@Mirs: Yes , conveniently we whiplash Zia ul Haq, forgetting that "socialist' ZAB sanctified bigotry by making alliance with Mullahs & declared Ahmadis a minority, paving way for Zia who declared them non Muslims.This was the beginning of legal discrimination against fellow Pakistanis.

Shahryar Shirazi
August 19, 2013 12:44 am

I know Dawn won't publish my comment. Anyways, in case they do - the article is very well written (as always). The blame goes equally to Bhutto and Zia. Despite the fact that Bhutto was secular and gave a damn about religion, he did take steps, for political reasons, which strengthen the hand of mullas and eventually led Zia ( may he rot very well in hell) to take over and turn the country around.

August 19, 2013 12:57 am

Will someone give this angry, young man a medal (and a glass of thandi meethi lassi) for his satirical review of what ails Pakistan and our obsession with non-native cultures. Bravo!

August 19, 2013 1:02 am

Dear Nadeem Paracha, your article is excellent and timely.

As I said before, your article is an indication of your campaign to become the first Emir of Pakistan under the banner of Taliban, Al-Qaeda, Jihadees and your first task will be:

  1. To change your name to an Arabic name. There is no “ch” in Arabic,
  2. Change the name of the Farsi word “Pakistan” into an Arabic name. There is no “P” in Arabic.
  3. Force “DAWN” to publish in Arabic language. English is an imported language from West so speaking this language must be declared Haram (Forbidden).
  4. All toilets in Pakistani homes should be demolished and the tribal way of toilets used 1500 years ago must be enforced.
  5. No cars, trucks, motor bikes or cycles should be allowed. You said well that camels will be the official means of transportation.
  6. Take away all guns from the Army. They must use sword.
  7. It should be mandatory for every male Pakistani to keep at least one handful length of beard, Special police will patrol all barber shops to enforce this law.
  8. Absolutely no schools for girls. There will be no need for it because they have to live entire life within four-walls of their homes.

Good Luck Nadeem!

August 19, 2013 1:01 am

Dear Nadeem Paracha, your article is excellent and timely.

As I said before, your article is an indication of your campaign to become the first Emir of Pakistan under the banner of Taliban, Al-Qaeda, Jihadees and your first task will be:

  1. To change your name to an Arabic name. There is no “ch” in Arabic,
  2. Change the name of the Farsi word “Pakistan” into an Arabic name. There is no “P” in Arabic.
  3. Force “DAWN” to publish in Arabic language. English is an imported language from West so speaking this language must be declared Haram (Forbidden).
  4. All toilets in Pakistani homes should be demolished and the tribal way of toilets used 1500 years ago must be enforced.
  5. No cars, trucks, motor bikes or cycles should be allowed. You said well that camels will be the official means of transportation.
  6. Take away all guns from the Army. They must use sword.
  7. It should be mandatory for every male Pakistani to keep at least one handful length of beard, Special police will patrol all barber shops to enforce this law.
  8. Absolutely no schools for girls. There will be no need for it because they have to live entire life within four-walls of their homes.

Good Luck Nadeem!

Dr Sameena Hussain
August 19, 2013 1:09 am

Hats off to you Nadeem. Many thanks.

August 19, 2013 1:16 am

@Ghani K. : Guess Why?? MA Jinnah and JL Nehru were mere pawns and the divide of India was British plan and that's how both these became heroes without wielding swords and riding Camel. Take a look at the post colonial set-up of British colonies, Middle east for example dividing people and drawing lines in sand such that leave major conflict among people. Hopefully moderator at Dawn will have courage to let this one go so close to independence day.

August 19, 2013 1:25 am

@AbbasToronto: "Pak’s fundamentals are solid, will shoot like a rocket Inshallah" says who?? the guy who does not want to live in that country, carries dual nationality either he is a day dreaming hypocrite or a vulture hoping to feast on country's corpse giving it's people sleeping pills at the time of awakening. One thing I thank Zia for is Churs, cheapest and best Churs, there is no product like this and this fine gentleman must have had lots of it in his days and he is still "dazed and confused" in "purple haze".

August 19, 2013 1:35 am

@Tariq K Sami: Please read some real history.. not Mulla history... Mongolia is still completely non-muslim...and they are true descendants of Khans........... middle eastern Khans which you are trying to glorify were borned and brought up by muslim mothers.

Other Pankaj
August 19, 2013 1:39 am

@Pankaj: Both Jinnah and Liyaqat were killed..........not died.....because nobody was ready to take notice for their advice after Pakistan was created.

August 19, 2013 2:46 am

great speech material for our social media fundos and born again muslims!

August 19, 2013 2:48 am

@Naseer: The Mullahs were against creating Pakistan, not because of their love of united India, or for thieir love with the 'Idea of India' (you would be forgiven for not knowing what it means). Most of these Mullah's influence (power base) along with their finacial interests were in UP and in or around Delhi of undivided India. It's the fear of loosing material wellbeing and their exalted status, that made the Mullahs opposing the partition.

Muhammad Imran
August 19, 2013 2:56 am

Exaggeration always ruins the core purpose and that's what exactly happened in this writing.

August 19, 2013 3:09 am

@Ghani K. : The sword and the camel had already done their job by the time the boss arrived, courtsey Bin Qasim to Alamgir Aurangzeb and the other worthies in between. His job remained only to give the finishing touch. About eighty million believers (Mard-e-Momin) were more than enough against two hundred and twenty million short and dark people whose fihting experience was limited within and against themeslves rather than against outsiders.

August 19, 2013 3:13 am

@AbbasToronto: Baloney,the prime choice variety!!!:):)

August 19, 2013 3:19 am

@Ghalib Khan: indians' choice would be the party that pushes up( or can be hoped to push up) the growth rate from 5-6% to 8-10%.....Indians are not particularly concerned about Pakistani-Muslim perceptions delusions or hallucinations or whatever,,,,,

August 19, 2013 3:31 am

I admire dawn for publishing NFP blogs and views.He is honest,sincere and has excellent humor with honest views on society.I wish he had political power to change the feudalistic zamindari society in Pakistan as predicted by maulana Abdul kalam azad in his jamma maszid speech in 1946.The problems that entire sub continent faces is poverty,illetracy,shelter etc not extra dose of Religion.It saddens me that we continue to ignore these problems and focus on mutual tensions. created artificially.NFP should start a program like Aamir khan in India doing with Satyameva jayate focussing and bringing to light the injustices people are suffering in their day to day living so we can bring change and peace to sub continent can use his honest truthful views and use tv media to expose ugly truths of society and focus Governament on these issues.

August 19, 2013 3:48 am

@Mirs: of course Zia is that disgusting culprit who ruined our society. Shame on him, and all of his supporters

August 19, 2013 5:04 am

@AbbasToronto: Could you concise your comments for a change ?

August 19, 2013 5:38 am

Yay for turning the Chinese into Arabic speaking Deobandi Sunnis!! I am sure it is gonna happen pretty soon. And yes, let us blame the Military men that ruled us for all our ills. We all know how great our politicians have been. They have not planned the murders of their rivals; they have not kept thugs and private gangs to butcher people that crossed them; they have never lied to us, and they never stole from the sinking and poverty stricken Nation. They have single mindedly tried to guide our ship towards some wonderful times. They never misused their powers; they were-never-to-blame for this fiasco. More elections and more such politicians, please...... ha ha ha!

August 19, 2013 6:30 am

Blaming politician is the Favourite subject of our educated people who very much into religion too. That why JI have strong influence in urban area and in education institutes not mention in media. Because of this politician Pakistan still a country otherwise our people doing there best to make it another Afghanistan .

August 19, 2013 7:01 am

You certainly had your palm tree dates, camels and white robes only problem was there was No Oil found underneath. Please do not blame it on your brave leaders and undefeated Army who is protecting Islam

zalim singh
August 19, 2013 7:39 am

LOL. Yet again, a great article.

Em Moosa
August 19, 2013 8:11 am

NFP said "It’s simple: the army, media and the judiciary should join hands to get rid of all politicians". So they did but to bring in a "caliphazada" through a well designed. planned and worst rigging in the history of Pakistan elections (if it was to be truly called elections). As NFP further mentioned the another factor the Taliban factor who were the main supporters of this caliphazada during their whole five years ruling in Punjab and to help him snatching the so called more than two third majority of which the caliphazada is very fond of to rule as dictator. .

Syed SMN
August 19, 2013 8:32 am

The foundation for the caliphate was laid by our fore fathers when out of fear of democracy( rule by majority) we opted for a separate country. This fear did not end there, then came Bengalis majority. We successfully got rid of them.Now Baloochis are complaining about majority Punjabi and want a Pakistan of their own.Taliban know very well that they cant come into power through vote so they have resort to terrorism. You reap what you sow.

August 19, 2013 11:02 am

The solution for everything ill in Pakistan is simple. Import 1 billion tonnes of desert sand from Saudi Arabia and dig your own oil wells. Once there will be oil - all problems will be solved.

Dearborn Iffy
August 19, 2013 11:17 am

@AbbasToronto: Hi Uncle, it's me again reading your same "rohani" brainwashed reply yet again.

All I can say for ever and ever is aptly reflected in the title "Give Beast a Chance".

I hope you "Gotti" alright.

Ha, Ha, Ha,

August 19, 2013 11:37 am

NFP - as always, you're awesome. lol, I can't stop myself from laughing, this one is really an engaging yet a through provoking one!

August 19, 2013 11:55 am

This could have been sarcastic, even funny, had it not been so true.

August 19, 2013 12:12 pm

You know sometimes even cynicism should have a limit. When you have so rightly pointed out our questioning the country's misery so frequently, i assumed (very stupid of me) that you would probably write something substantial and recommend something concrete as well. Wrong i was because i realised that you would rather have people appreciating you for your hackneyed irony rather than coming up with solutions or ideas for the masses who badly need some motivation. highly disappointed!

August 19, 2013 12:21 pm

:) enjoyed reading it. Many will not understand the irony.

August 19, 2013 1:28 pm

Well Written!

August 19, 2013 1:27 pm

Eventually we found to true doctor to identify our ills. Bravo Sir for diagnosing sickness we are caught in since last over six decades.

Ali sina
August 19, 2013 1:38 pm

We are still waiting for Gazwa-e-Hind...

We have forgot how many lives we have lost in the land of Hind in last 700 years...

But not a worry, we are still looking forward to create Mughalistan and Islamistan in Hindustan!

We will win this time as now a days there are no Shivaji's in India!

August 19, 2013 1:59 pm

Fair enough irony, but what majority of Pakistanis want is Caliphate. US polls shows that 86% Pakistanis want sharia to be imposed.

August 19, 2013 2:01 pm

@AbbasToronto: OMG you said something that was not illogical, irrelevant or insane. There is hope after all.

August 19, 2013 2:12 pm

Why don't you ( NFP ) change your name to The Pessimist?

August 19, 2013 3:09 pm

@aamir: Its not Zia their supporters support, its something else.

August 19, 2013 4:32 pm

@Dr Sameena Hussain what was admirable in his writing?

Yusuf Raza
August 19, 2013 5:20 pm

Is this really the vision of Pakistan?

1) --- "women who refuse to wear the hijab/ burqa/ niqab/ tent, CD shops, kite flying, dog breeding, dog shows, not enough camels, more mango farms than date farms, etc. — lie in the imposition of a caliphate."

2) --- "where women are free to give birth to as many male Muslim babies as their husbands want them to" and

3) --- "where women can only be seen in their households by mehrams;and where mango trees are replaced with date palms."

Once a man said to Mirza Ghalib - "Mia Aam bhi kya fal hai jo Gaadhe bhi nahi Khate." to which Mirza Glalib replies - "Sirf Ghaadhe hi Aam nahi Khate" or something to that effect.

On a serious note doesn't the above version scare you?

August 19, 2013 6:19 pm


Greetings from Dearborn MI, and many thanks for your kind words.

Ill will towards other blows back. Here is something for you from the New York Times about the new "Sick Man of Asia".

For all the faults Pakistan has it has been a trend setter, a leader in South Asia. Here are some "Firsts".

  1. Free Enterprise - Pakistan 1947, India 2000
  2. Free Trade - Pakistan 1947, India 2000
  3. Alliance with the West - Pakistan 1950, India 2000
  4. Friendship with China - Pakistan 1960, India ???
  5. Distancing from Socialism - Pakistan 1947, India 1990
  6. Distancing from dying Corporate Capitalist West - Pakistan 2000, India ????

We did not fall from the misguided 40 year frying pan of Nehru Socialism into the suicidal fire of Reaganomics/Thatcherism that bears bitter fruit 30 years later in divided society, social unrest, debt, depression, hopelessness, despair, crime, making it the rape capital of the world. Enjoy the party while it lasts. We wish you well.

To you your ways, to us ours.

Agha Ata
August 19, 2013 6:21 pm

@Capt C M Khan: I am sure you know better than the most. It all started when the army trained the Taliban. :(

August 19, 2013 7:27 pm

Pakistan’s fascination with Arabs will be transitory, fed by petro-dollars that are not going to last long.

The Egyptian, Syrian, Iraqi, and even Iranian/Turkish woes in the news should make Pakistanis reflect how socially advanced they are, despite the daily internal carnage (that is timely and necessary btw).

In the 1960s having never left Pakistan one had the tendency to look up to our West Asian cousins, thinking them a cut above us hapless IndoPak Muslims who were colonized by the English that Arabs, Persians, Turks never were.

In the end it is the English who saved us. Modernism came to us bottoms up, through East India company traders (just as Islam came to Indonesia via trade). In Egypt, Turkey, Iran reform was forced top-down by Mehmet Ali, Ataturk, Raza Shah, and has not yet penetrated into people’s hearts, as witnessed by the violent behaviour of the Egyptian, Iraqi, Syrian, and Iranian regimes towards their own.

When was the last time Pak Army opened fire on its own (special case of East Pak notwithstanding)? Never.

I maintain that Pakistan is the de-facto leader of the Muslim world. Soon, our internal civil war will end (they never last for ever), and we shall resume the historically task defined by Iqbal and started by Jinnah, inshallah.

Pak Arab lovers should note that anti-Mohammedan anti-Quranic Arab Kaliphate that ended in 1258 will never return. After petro-dollars all will remain is the interminable Arab-Hindu squabble as to who invented Zero. Those who, rather than praise glory of Allah's Infinity pride in Zeros will be made a zero by Him soon.

And this poster observes Arabs daily in Dearborn MI, the Arab Capital of America, and has taught in Libya, worked in Saudi Arabia, the Emirates, and visited extensively Iran and has a son whose mother is Turkish.

Adnan K
August 19, 2013 7:48 pm

@Haseeb: And 99% of those 86% have no clue what Sharia is.

August 19, 2013 8:01 pm

@Haseeb: Do these 86% have any idea what is Sharia that they want?? Everone I have talked to have not been able to tell me what is implementing Sharia means. This is exactly like Reading Quran we all have read Quran but do we know what it says??

August 19, 2013 9:55 pm

@Yusuf Raza: I am an Indian who hates aam (yes, that happens). My father tells me that every time I refuse mangoes after summer afternoon meals. You made me miss him :) (Apologies for the irrelevance of the comment to the topic at hand)

August 19, 2013 11:36 pm

@AbbasToronto: Islam glory of India, never existed. It was only glory for Mughal darbari and their proxies on Indian land. Common Raamkalis or AllahRakhis (even after conversion to Islam) and their kids were still exploited. By 1707 Jizia stopped coming to darbaris and from then on opulent culture Biryani and Hukka-Pani started to erode. India has not yet recovered from the damage from alien Arab, Turk, and Anglo rule. Before Islam India had 70% share of world GDP. Graph it out how civility and economy dwindled as Hindu-Sikh population of today's Sindh, Punjab, Pakhtunkhwa and Baluchistan.

NFP could have said in one line - Alien ideologies in spiritual garb are for grabbing Gaddi of power and not for civilization. European Pagan were more civilized than Romans. Zorastrian Persian, Iraqis, Syrian and Egyptian were more civilized than Bedouins. So also Indians were more civilized than Mongols, Turks or Arabs. Google on Aryabhatta (nothing to do with Aryan race is figment of Macaulay and Max Muller) who was at Nalanda University. Similar or bigger university was at Takshashila (Taxila). North-west of India has been trying to grow Bedouin Khajur on Desi mango tree too long.

August 20, 2013 12:13 am

@AbbasToronto: Nice post of yours....soporific and hypnotic and amusing....:):):) thank you:):):)

August 20, 2013 12:24 am

@AbbasToronto: To you your ways and to us,ours!

Religious woes to you and economic woes to us......our ways can be healed but yours cannot be healed!!!:):):)

For Islam is true for all time to need for fine tuning...economics can and will be fine tuned!!!:):)

August 20, 2013 5:41 am

@AbbasToronto: Holy smokes the deceptive propaganda continues, so now you have the courage to say that Arabs were never colonized. "When was the last time Pak Army opened fire on its own (special case of East Pak notwithstanding)? Never" You must be the author of text books in Pakistan, let me tell you Pannu Aaqil in Zia 's time, Baluchistan in Bhutto and Musharraf time. Karachi in 1992 (when I lost friends that had nothing to do with MQM in particular and poilitics in general) Where is this Muslim world you talk about in your Utopian Iran, led by Grand Ayatollah?? Then you go on like women in falling Mughal Dehli praying for "Angrez ki topon mein kiray paren" Allah has his own ways described in Quran and "La sunnat'Allahe tabdeela" is the direction not your cursing zeroes like widows. And at the end once again you've been everywhere but Pakistan where the "fundamentals are strong" and sword wielding and camel riding leaders of "muslim world" will come out of nation of character it bears today. You should have learned camel riding when you were in Middle east no chance in Arab capital of USA "Dearborn.

Tariq K Sami
August 20, 2013 7:09 am


You are right Mongolia today is a non muslim country.

Only 200 horsemen from the original tribe of Ghengis Khan came to his monument in Ulan Bator a few years ago to pay homage to the Great Khan. The man who ruled a Empire twice the size of the Roman Empire and four times the size of Alexander's has not left anything significant in Mongolia. Great heroes of History are not judged just by their original homeland. Alexander came from Macedonia a very small country in Europe but his impact is felt even in India. The Kalash in Northern Pakistan are decendents of Alexander. Take another example: Omar the Great ruled from Medina in Saudi Arabia but his victories at Yarmuk and Qadissia had monumental impact. So that now there are 22 countries who claim to be Arabs! including Egypt! Kazakistan and Turkestan consider Ghengis Khan to be a national hero. The Mongols who came in contact with Muslims converted to Islam those who remained back in their ancestoral homeland did not. The Great cities of Samarkand and Bokhara and the Silk route were connected to Mongols Chiefs but not to Mongolia itself. Similarly Kubali Khan who ruled China and establised a dynasty was Mongolian and not Chinese. Zaheeruddin Babar from Tajikistan who founded the Moghul dynasty in India descended from the Mongols. The Khanate of Cremia and Dagestan and the Khan of Astarakan and ancestors of many Russians and Turks were Mongols. Berki Khan ( who ruled Russia) coverted to Islam while his brother Helagu Khan did not. These are facts.

Tariq K Sami
August 20, 2013 7:19 am

@AbbasToronto: AGREE. No one nation can or should remain on the top all the time. The honors/responsiblity should be shared. The is the way or nature and of things. That is why we have a concept of what is called the all time greats. Certainly the Arabs of the 7-10th Century deserve to be on the list of the All Time Greats.

Tariq K Sami
August 20, 2013 7:20 am

@AbbasToronto: AGREE. No one nation can or should remain on the top all the time. The honors/responsiblity should be shared. The is the way or nature and of things. That is why we have a concept of what is called the all time greats. Certainly the Arabs of the 7-10th Century deserve to be on the list of the All Time Greats.

August 20, 2013 8:35 am

The Talibans, the Militants, the Terrorists, the Jihadees should never utter a word about Islam because they have deliberately broken the following command of Allah in the Holy Quran "If any one killed a person … it would be as if he killed all mankind; and if any one saved the life of a person, it would be as if he saved the life of all mankind." (Quran V: 32). This is about killing an innocent person.Mark the word "Mankind" that includes Muslims and Non-Muslims. Can you imagine what will be the punishment for a man who killed or helped to kill all mankind. Should we call them Muslim Brother?

August 20, 2013 11:00 am

@AbbasToronto: Agreed.we will rise,it is destined.

August 20, 2013 4:03 pm

@AbbasToronto: pak will is destined.

dr vimal raina
August 20, 2013 5:43 pm

While reading your article my owner's camel ran off and bumped into an Arab Imam. That was forgivable but the Bangladeshi kid on the camel's back fell into the pothole and dirtied the Arab robes.Who will give the laundry bill. And fie on the electricity boards for the wires that had fallen into that ditch had electricity(can you forgive that) in it. It is breaking all over the news. Here comes the owner. Shhhh the Taliban!

August 20, 2013 6:26 pm

Mr Paracha, this is by far the best piece you have ever written! Absolutely hilarious!! Short and very sweet too ;)

I have always dreamt of visiting Pakistan, given that my nana, dadi and dada all came from there - spread across Balochistan, KPK, Sindh and Punjab. But riding camels in a date-palm laden 100% pure Arabic emirate will be unparalleled.

August 20, 2013 6:32 pm

Either you look back and deal with your hypocrisy, or you dismiss it. The only vice that cannot be forgiven is hypocrisy. The repentance of a hypocrite is itself hypocrisy. The difference between a saint and a hypocrite is that one lies for his religion, the other by it. Khuda kay wastay purdah na Kabay se utha Zalim... Khahein isa na how yahan bhi wohi kafr sanum niklay

August 20, 2013 7:02 pm


Haha. Can I just add a couple more bullet points to that:

  1. Infested by self-turmoil - Pakistan 1947, India never
  2. Conquered by the Taliban - Pakistan 1988, India never.

And to bullet points 1-6, as they say, slow and steady wins the race.

August 20, 2013 7:40 pm


China's ' a thousand blooms' started with Thatcherism and Reaganism.

AFTER Deng Xiaoping rediscovered it as" hoe does the color of the cat matter,as long as it catches the mice"

Fifteen years later India followed suit with Dr Manmohan Singh as the Finance Minister.

Jawaharlal Nehru's credo of socialism is still ALIVE in India..the Right to Education Bill making education a fundamental right and the yet to be passed Food Security bill ensuring basic food for is just that Communist China and Socialist India found better ways of "catching the mice" -capitalism to generate the wealth required to fund an "iron bowl" security!:)):)

August 20, 2013 9:36 pm

@Abbas and rest,

Bullet points are just discrete random points - they do not draw any line or picture. After all words in alien tongue are not meant for reaching truth.

Today it is the west which is aligning with India. Yoga and meditation centers where they chant Sanskrit and Pali Mantras are more in number than fast food McDonalds in many American towns. Obama visits India with business leaders to bag $60 Billion worth contracts.

In spite of present ConAngrez ruling disposition and earlier culturally non-Indian Nehru's fake socialism (it was cronyism to keep hold of Tata, Birla and Aglo proxy importers), India has been progressing because of its Hindu civilizational roots. India is peaceful because it is Hindu. India distributes land among toiling landless Haris, because it is Hindu. google bhoodan. India reserves educational seats and even jobs for SC/ST (British divisive terms), because it is Hindu.

Even in early 20th century before Bolshevik revolution and Gandhi phenomenon one Swami Baba Ramchandra was working with peasants for social and economic justice. Some what critical Abrahamic (christian and marxist) verbiage on him throws some colored light on him -

It will be harder for Urduwala city dweller like Abbas to understand the civilizational roots of India. May be he can start with Khurshid -

August 21, 2013 1:06 am

From Pakistanis VS Talibans the debate has turned into Pakistan VS India. Why not stick to the subject as presented by Nadeem Paracha. Have happy discussion!

August 21, 2013 2:27 am


Colorful ditty re Xiaoping alright, but to suggest that China delved into Reaganomics/Thatcherism shows ignorance of this nefarious malady. China did not see any of its after-effects: wealth concentration, growth spike then steep fall, debt, joblessness, crime rise. New billionaires in China are worth a fraction of their HK or Indian counterparts, and Gini Index of disparity is low (as is in Pakistan).

That Nehruism is alive in India today is fantasy.


Re “ .. Taliban - Pakistan 1988, India never ..”

Here India did beat Pakistan. Was it not Hindu Taliban who murdered Gandhi Ji? Alive and well, it will raise head when India feels secure from outside to undertake its internal Civil War that Pakistan has dared to. If it never comes, neither will progress. Yes, India is slow and steady, at 3% Hindu rate of growth; is that enough to “win the race”.


70% of world wealth before Islam???? LOL. Indian bravado backed by fabricated numbers is Bollywood Technicolor.

India’s share was steady at 20-25% for 2,000 years from 300BC Maurya thru 1700AD Aurangzeb, then fell to 2% by 1900 under the Raj. Islam helped India maintain that share for a good 7 centuries mid 12-mid 18. Your help to the English against the Muslims backfired, now pay the price. Serves you right.

India was great neither under Islam nor the English. Always ruled by aliens for last 4,000 years – first Aryans, then Greeks, Persians, Afghans, Turkoman/Mughal, English – did I leave someone out? Is China next master?

Never a fan of the Arabs, let you both to fight out for dubious prize of who invented ZERO. Muslims are more interested in Allah and his INFINITE Bounty. To each his own.

@Tariq K Sami

Arab Kaliphate was in limelight for a while, but was it Islamic? Patently anti-Mohammedan, anti-Quranic, damage it did to Islam outweighs benefit it brought, and let it never return. Mr. Saladin, on al-Ghazzali’s fatwa that research in matter was haram turned the al-Azhar, globe’s first university, into a madressah, thus Islam’s later backwardness. Lucky that Indians were even dumber to be ruled and exploited, but is “andhon mein kana raja” greatness?

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