The weather in Karachi changed rather suddenly last week when instead of getting warmer, it actually reversed and became chilly. Of course, as usual the weather experts had all those typical explanations to offer, sighting high pressure there that generated dust and cold winds here and all that.

But the truth lies somewhere else. It was HAARP! The United States’ High Frequency Active Auroral Research Program - an ionospheric research programme jointly funded by the US Air Force, the Navy, the University of Alaska, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency and the Kilingon High Command.

Yes, the same programme that caused the 2005 Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans, the 2011 Japanese earthquake and the 2011 Imran Khan tsunami.

Before you dismiss me as being some conspiracy nut job, consider this: It was people like me who were the first to suggest that there were Blackwater agents roaming in Pakistan, that the Americans were using drones in Waziristan and that the earth was actually flat and hollow.

People laughed at people like me but not all people but only people serving the interests of people trying to break up Pakistan and its people and turn them all from being true keepers of the faith and patriotism to becoming liberal scum, so you see, people, what kind of people I am talking about, even though you are not that kind of people, are you, people?

Now also consider this: I have on purpose used the word people over and over again in the preceding paragraph. Count the times I used this word. Nine times. Now divide 9 with 777 and then multiply the resultant number with 365 and you’ll get the figure of 666. If you didn’t get this number then you are liberal scum. If you did, then welcome to reality. And that is: Lucifer is in control of the United Nations.

I’m sure some of you must be squirming and itching to ridicule me, but remember it was I who first suggested that the CIA was using fake polio vaccination campaigns in FATA to gather intelligence in the area, that Husain Haqqani was working against the interest of Pakistan and that man never walked on the moon. It was an elaborate hoax.

It is a conspiracy to label men like me as conspiracy nuts because the powers that be want to hide the truth from the masses, a truth, rather truths, that can expose the large, all encompassing conspiracies that the powers that be are conspiring to implement for world domination through so-called elected governments, the media and nano genetic implants in our heads that are mixed into our branded mineral water by the powers that be through multinational corporations, secular political parties, NGOs and the leading cast of Hamsafar.

And did I mention all this was being done by the powers that be? I did. Thrice. Now multiply 3 by 5 then divide by 2; multiply the resultant number with 6, divide it by 9 and add 77. You’ll get 666 again. Make sure you use a halal pencil while doing the adding and multiplying, or if you’re using a calculator, make sure it’s a local brand and not a Zionist one.

Because then the calculator is likely to blow in your face and the powers that be will blame the explosion on the Taliban who really do not exist but when they do they are actually a non-Muslim race of Reptilian people working for the CIA, RAW, Mossad and Nana Patekar to balkanise Pakistan and sell all of (true) Muslim population as slaves to the makers of a certain fruit juice residing on the island of Atlantis that does not exist in the Atlantic Ocean but somewhere in the Arabian Sea. I know this because I can speak and understand Arabic fluently.

In fact, all Pakistanis should be able to understand and speak Arabic fluently. It is a conspiracy by the powers that be who are bosses of the powers that be that I was talking about earlier that instead of Arabic, Pakistanis were made to learn to speak regional languages, such as Sindhi, Balochi, Pashto and Saraiki.

These languages were taught to us by Hindu baniyas and tyrants who ruled over us before Muhammad bin Qasim came to our rescue on 14th August 711 AD and created the Islamic Arabic Emirates of Bakistan.

Now look what the liberal scum want to do. They want to rearrange our history textbooks and fill them up with lies like Qasim Shaheed was not the first Pakistani and that Imran Khan is not a tsunami. People like me have struggled hard to fight the conspiracies of the liberal scum present in some sections of the Pakistani media.

But thanks to support and backing of gallant and pious institutions like Fauji Fertiliser and Fauji Cornflakes, and renowned scholars and profound intellectuals like doctor (both medical as well as academic), engineer (both Chinese as well as Islamic) and all round hunk, Zaid Hamid, Hakeem Ali Azmat and Austin Powers, the people of Pakistan are waking up to the deep conspiracies being hatched by the powers that be and the Powerpuff Girls to discredit Pakistan’s armed forces and make Switzerland’s Israeli Francophile Vatican-backed banking system to continue funding local Freemasons like Asif Zardari and Nawaz Sharif and make decent Muslim Pakistani women pose nude on the covers of Anglo-Indian-Angelo-Mathews fashion magazines with ‘Pasha Baby’ tattooed on their arms.

Think about it. What more proof do you need? Now, coming back to the changing weather conditions in Karachi and HAARP…