GENERAL Musharraf is fed to the tonsils and so am I. Enough already of this naysaying and habitual brooding on the dark side, this downplaying of triumphs and looking askance at cut-glass tumblers that are clearly half-full. Be a man, gender permitting, not one of those weighed-down-with-woe creatures who ruin the evening just when Tinky and Cuckoo are convulsing the lion-hearted with tales of the yachting trip on which they, clever devils, outwitted another upper-class twit into throwing away his clothes.A laugh a minute, surely, if only you could be an optimist. Take a line through Life of Brian, you sour puss. Look on the bright side. Be a commando and storm life where it stands, taking neither guff nor prisoners.

So what if Benazir Bhutto has sold the PPP’s soul and strung up the party from the cantonment lamp post and petulantly kicked away the footstool? The thousands who live in the vicinity of Bilawal House stand to benefit immeasurably from this sharp work. With one voice and exuberant heart, we look to the glory days when our neighbourhood was exempt in toto from load-shedding. It’s the end that counts, not the means you ethical fool. If the PPP can somehow secure enough clout to ensure an uninterrupted supply of electricity to Clifton Block 3, more power to you madam. I remain your humble servant.

True to form, the sticks-in-the-mud are also taking exception to the National Reconciliation Ordinance, a truly revolutionary document. What, pray, is wrong with it? I see nothing but positives, especially in the clause which calls for the withdrawal of all criminal cases ‘found’ to be framed for political reasons. Given the pressure that will be brought to bear in the review of such cases, particularly in Karachi, local jails will soon be much roomier than they are now. A revolution in prison life is just round the corner, thanks again to the incomparable ‘Brigadier’ Benazir, or BB for short.

With the jails purged of petty terrorists, thieves will have more elbow room and valuable space could be freed up for locking up the vilest of the vile, the monsters who roam the concrete jungle armed with bottles of liquor and/or reconditioned cigarettes. Terrorism sherrorism, we will soon be able to focus on the real problems in our midst. No, you say? O you hard hearts, you cruel men of Rome. Knew you not Pompey?

Passing lightly over that, take heart also from the recent massacre of the trees (eucalyptuses and Sindhi badaam) fringing BBQ Tonight in Clifton. All the pundits agree that this decimation of innocent bystanders took place only because of a political tiff between the owner of the restaurant and the dons of Karachi. Needing to widen the roundabout for traffic reasons is so much rubbish and everyone knows it. So why, you ask, should we rejoice in this barbarity?

The city government says that all eucalyptuses in Karachi will be eradicated because their introduction was a mistake. Never mind the fact that in those parts of Clifton and Defence where you hit brackish water at two feet, eucalyptuses, the suction pumps that they are, play a singular role in making the soil hospitable for other trees and shrubs. Focus instead on the city government’s resolve to rectify past errors of judgement. I take this to mean that all illegal buildings that were ‘regularised’ will now be razed to the ground, the commercialisation of residential areas will be aggressively reversed, PECHS will become liveable again, and all eyesores everywhere will be dynamited out of existence.

Fast food will be forced underground in this brave new city, on the pain of death. Psst, you want a burger? I’ve got some here under my armpit that are simply oozing mayonnaise…

The blooming idiot from the Karachi office of the World Conservation Union who said in print that no birds nest in eucalyptuses — K-I-T-E, C-R-O-W, you moron, have you ever seen the environment or just written about it in grant proposals? — will be made to sit at the PIDC signal while the right-minded bounce tennis balls off his concrete head, just for enjoyment.

Then there’s all this fuss about the elevated expressway and how it will disfigure the city beyond recognition and make life, generally, a living hell. The naysayers just can’t shut it, can they? They ignore the fact that the expressway will strike the fear of God in the hearts of the millions who end up travelling on or under this circus-clown road on stilts. Knowing that the whole damn thing could come crashing down any minute will make us better, finer human beings, kind not just to animals but also Aunty Rozina.

Vehicle theft in the concrete jungle is hitting record highs, prompting more whining from the pessimists and useless liberal lot. Can’t you ever look on the bright side? Fewer cars means less pollution. Not everyone has full insurance, dammit.Enough said, for now.

imalik@dawn.com