Have you ever paid attention to a conversation at the dinner table? What does it sound like? Does it seem like a discussion where the participants are listening to each other and trying to understand different viewpoints or is it more like a debate where one party puts the other down and creates a win or lose situation?

Usually most of us will say that they ‘discuss’ matters and listen to others to comprehend their opinions and perceptions, but a closer look would reveal that they might start off on a polite and accepting note, however, the ‘discussion’ soon takes a harsh deviation and ends in a ‘debate’ after which one party usually leaves frustrated, while the other feels like having triumphed.

This is the effect that debating has had on us. Ever since schooldays, we have been taught and encouraged to debate. Remember those famous debate competitions we all yearned to participate in? How we used to prepare those so-called powerful speeches and deliver them with a certain degree of passion and temper ... Though the victories and the temporary adrenaline gush made us cheerful for a while and we received lavish accolades from our peers, till date little do we realise that such debates did us more harm than good. And debates are precisely what we are passing to our younger generation.

Debates are embedded in our culture. They are all about winning an argument from the opposition, thinking that only our opinions and views are correct. The two sides are constantly struggling to prove each other wrong, even though, deep down both may mutually agree on a couple of points. Many a time, when we engage in a debate, our mind blocks the information coming from our opponent(s), rendering us unable to comprehend their interpretation, and we tend to enforce ours upon them. It often leads to a harsh exchange of words and arouses feelings of resentment. The issue, however, never gets resolved, leaving a crack in relationships. Do we want to pass on such an attitude to our children, motivating them to debate and leave the issues unresolved? Or do we wish to teach our children to look at all sides of an argument, find meaning and come to a conclusion which is accepted by all?

If you agree with the former, then the remaining article isn’t of much use to you, but if you agree with the latter, then your answer lies in teaching your children to engage in a dialogue instead of a debate, and see the transformation. Now, what is a dialogue? And, how do we teach our children to practise dialogue instead of a bitter debate?

Dialogue happens when participants with different viewpoints, opinions and mindsets come together and kick off a conversation, aiming to understand each other’s perceptions and beliefs. Dialogue allows each member to freely express his or her interests and feelings without the fear of being judged; hence they are honest and disciplined and agree to listen to others, too. Participants learn about new ideas and options which might have not occurred to them, creating a greater chance of reaching a mutual consensus. Nonetheless, one element which is essential while engaging in a dialogue is trust. Individuals need to trust each other and be open enough to unfold their assumptions and preconceived notions, so that these can be addressed and the discussion takes an effective and productive turn.

Each one of us is blessed with the skills to listen and understand others. However, we need to put them into practice more. This exercise needs to begin from an early age and needs to be incorporated within the school systems so they produce the lot which believes in listening to each other for meaning than for the sake of being dominant over their challengers. Instead of organising vibrant debate competitions, educators can look into arranging frequent dialogue sessions where students can express their thoughts about various issues and conflicting ideas that concern them, either convincing each other or reaching a mutual agreement. Sometimes, the session might end without an agreement, but the students should be encouraged to further explore various horizons of the matter and improve their understanding.

I had the pleasure of visiting a dialogue session in one of the local schools in Karachi. The topic under discussion was “The legal driving age should be 21 in Pakistan”. The class consisted of 20 students, and the teacher gave them five to 10 minutes to muse over the matter. She asked the students who agreed with the topic to sit on one side of the table, while those who disagreed were placed on the opposite. The classroom presented a scene of one of the high-profile board meetings, except that these were merely eight graders. The leader of team ‘A’ started the discussion presenting his viewpoints; his demeanor was calm with a soft tone and his countenance manifested trust and respect for his audience. The comment was beautifully encountered by team ‘B’, however, it was wonderful to notice that these children kept listening to each other, didn’t dismiss any comment thinking it was irrelevant, saw all sides of the argument and at times even admitted that they harboured faulty assumptions. They didn’t feel ashamed of learning from each other, making mistakes or exploring a common ground for agreements. It was visible that these youngsters were engaged in a dialogue, instead of getting into debates where one hardly listens to others and mocks them, much to the delight of the audience. This dialogue session didn’t aim at winning or losing, it focused on finding a solution, which was suitable to all.

It’s time we begin inculcating basic values in our next generation. Let’s teach them to listen before talking, to be in the other person’s position for once and understand his or her viewpoint to sort the matters out instead of running away from situations. Above all let’s teach them to hold a dialogue to unravel assumptions and see the bigger and clearer picture.

The writer is a career advisor at a local institution.