The setup is there. So are the actors. But where’s the chemistry? Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp are arguably the biggest stars on this planet, but I wasn’t expecting them to tie up on screen in a half-baked film such as The Tourist. The romantic/comedy/thriller set in Europe pushes itself into Hitchcockian charms of North by Northwest, and ends up Southwest of nowhere.

Based on the French film, Anthony Zimmer, director Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck — Oscar winner for The Lives of Others — hasn’t a single clue why.

Jolie, stunning and seriously earning her paycheck, is Elise Ward, the femme fatale being tracked by the most incompetent off-shore partners of the Scotland Yard (they give awkward comic relief throughout the film).

The purpose for Elise’s stalking is Alexander Pearce — the man she’s in love with, who is in hiding after running off with billions from big mob boss Ivan (Steven Berkoff).

As Scotland Yard doesn’t know what Alexander looks like — the multi-million sting operation is shepherd by Inspector Acheson (a wasted Paul Bettany) and like Donnersmarck, he’s clueless as well — Elise chooses a random tourist, Frank Tupelo (Johnny Depp), a math teacher from Wisconsin on vacation as the decoy. She flirts and then rooms together in a lavish suite in an even more charming Venice, but this is where the charm stops.

What’s left in The Tourist is Jolie in the guise of Grace Kelly, Audrey Hepburn and — at the Ball in the climax — Sophia Loren. Jolie is also the most sincere with her character. Depp is the opposite. He keeps away from any shadow of Cary Grant. Maybe it would have been infectious.

Released by Columbia Pictures, The Tourist is rated PG-13. Timothy Dalton and Jolie become the film’s lonesome highlights as absurdity and insipidness thrive, left, right and centre. — Farheen Jawaid