Remember the good old days, when summers meant mangoes, motia and mosquitoes? Now, summers mean mangoes, motia, mosquitoes and floods.

I’m not saying kay we never had floods before, okay? We did — but every six, seven years and smallish jaisay. Now tau, every year, big, big floods are coming like cock work. And sweeping away whole districts and people’s crops and homes and families and lively hoods. Honestly, so much of loss, so much of tragedy. Frankly speaking, I tau think Modi is behind them. I mean, they don’t come just like that. Khud bakhud.

“First, he threatened to cut off our water,” I explained to Kulchoo. “But when he received too much of monsoon in India, he opened his floodgates and sent it all over here to drown us. If he can’t take badla with us for destroying his precious Rafaales and making a laughing stop of him that way, he’ll take badla this way.”

Kulchoo rolled his eyes at me, stupid jaisa, and said, “Ma, our floods are not caused by someone diverting their excess water to us but because we’ve received too much rainfall, too quickly.”

In a world of melting glaciers and rising tempers, Butterfly refuses to let science ruin a perfectly good blame game…

“We’ve received too much rain, too quickly, why? I’ll tell you why. Because someone sent the clouds to us, okay?”

“Are you suggesting that Modi has supernatural powers and that he can divert monsoon clouds to us?” asked Kulchoo, with his eyebrows disappearing into his hairline.

“Aur kya? They call it iCloud for a reason, Kulchoo. I is for India. All those thin, clever IT engineers they have over there in Bangalore vaghera, sitting night and day in front of their computers, this is what they do. They roll clouds across the sky to us.”

In response, Kulchoo shut his eyes. Then he took a deep breath (I hope he’s not getting asma) and said very slowly, “Ma, you’re beginning to sound like that deranged Arnab Goswami. Let me explain: we received too much rainfall too quickly because of global warming. The fact that we’ve cut down so many trees on the mountains means there was nothing to slow down the torrent of water rushing down the slopes. That’s why we had flash floods.”

“Tau, flash floods bhitau koi bahar say karva raha hai naa,”

I said.

“Why must everything that happens to us be because of a foreign conspiracy?”

“So, you’re saying the floods are our fault?” I asked. “We did it to ourselves only?”

“No, I’m saying that it’s not an Indian or Western conspiracy, it’s climate change, for God’s sake.”

“Abhi tau you were saying it’s global warning, now you’re saying it’s climate change. Make up your mind, Kulchoo jani.”

“It’s the same thing, Ma,” said Kulchoo breathing out loudly from his nose like he was a horse or something. “Global warming is causing climate change. And it’s global — meaning it affects not just us, but the whole world. For your information, this year Europe has also had one of its hottest summers.”

“Vaisay, yeh achhi global warning hai, bhai.

To us, it gives deadly flash floods and to London it gives nice sunny summers, with none of that kameenitip-tip rain they used to get, that went on and on for days — like Mulloo’s sinuses. I swear, even the weather is racist. Wherever there are brown and black people and ghareeb countries, there are floods and landslides and cycle owns and doubts, and heat enough to melt the backsides of your ACs. And wherever they are rich white countries, there’s picnic weather and, at most, punkhas. And that also standing ones only. Not ceiling fans.”

“It’s not just picnic weather,” protested Kulchoo. “In Italy, Greece and Spain, temperatures have hit the 40s. And in Texas, there’s also been a deadly flood that claimed several lives.”

“Can I ask you one question, Kulch? Who’s causing global warning then?”

“It’s human activity, Ma. Specifically, burning of fossil fuels. Basically, exhaust from too many cars, planes, ships and, of course, factories, and even our homes, with our fridges and our dryers and our ovens and ACs and our microwaves and our TVs. It all adds up. Even your AC and fridge.”

“You leave my one poor AC out of it and tell me who is doing most of this burning shurning?” I asked.

“Per capita? I’d say the West consumes the most fossil fuels and is responsible for the largest amount of greenhouse gases released into the atmosphere. Particularly America. But China is not far behind. And India is catching up too.”

“China is our friend, okay? They helped us with the Rafaales. So, we won’t take their name. But India and America, they are to blame one hundred per cent. Karein voh and bhugtain hum? I told you naa, Kulchoo, that someone else is doing? And now you’ve admitted yourself also.”

He threw up his hands. “I give up, Ma.”

“You can give up, shweetoo, but I know what I know. It’s all a conspiracy. Like I said, from the start only.”

Published in Dawn, EOS, August 24th, 2025