Dear Auntie Agni,

I read your column regularly and appreciate the way you help people. Today I need your help in a matter. I am a woman in my late 40s. When I was young, I had an affair with a married man. That man deceived me very badly. After that my life became miserable because I couldn’t forget him. I wanted to die. I became so isolated and my health also got affected. All these years I didn’t marry anyone. On the other hand, he was very settled and happy in his life and asked me to forget everything and marry someone else.

Now after so many years, he has approached me. His wife has passed away in a mishap. His children are all married and living abroad. He is very lonely. He has retired from his job. He says that he is in a state of sorrow and misses his wife a lot. Now he wants to marry me.

I don’t know what to do. Should I forgive him? Should I forget how much I suffered because of him? I keep thinking about him. I feel stranded.

Please advise.

Suffering

‘The man who rejected me wants to marry me’

Dear Suffering,

The temptation to jump into marriage must be great because on the surface it seems like a win-win situation for both of you. However given the history between you two, it is wise that you are seeking advice from someone outside of the situation.

You are facing a difficult situation and it’s very important that you carefully consider your options. The good thing is that you are taking the time to reflect on the situation and you need to do that some more. Think about the pain you endured, and the impact it had on your life when he went back to his wife. Consider your emotional well-being and whether you have healed from the past.

You should also consider seeking the guidance of a professional therapist or counselor who can provide you with an objective perspective and help you work through your emotions and help you arrive at a decision.

Have a very honest conversation with this man. Tell him how you feel and share your concerns with him. Tell him of the impact his actions had on your life. Pay attention to what he says and gauge whether he shows genuine remorse and understanding.

At the same time it is important that you trust your intuition and listen to what your heart is telling you. Your happiness and wellbeing should also be a priority in this situation. Try to assess whether his approach and desire to marry you stem from genuine remorse and a desire for a meaningful relationship or is it driven by loneliness or convenience. Look for signs of genuine change in his behaviour and attitude.

Rebuilding trust after a betrayal can be challenging. Consider whether you can truly trust him again and whether he has taken responsibility for his past actions. Trust is a crucial foundation for any relationship.

Remember, it’s important to prioritise your own well-being and make a decision that feels right for you. Trust yourself and rely on your own judgment as you navigate this complex situation.

Remember, forgiveness is a personal choice and should not be rushed. Take the time you need to make a decision that feels right for you.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query.

Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, May 28th, 2023