Dear Auntie Agni,
I read your advice in the newspaper and thought I could share my feelings with you. I am a student and also a very silent person. Everyone always says that I am an introvert. I don’t think I am a shy person but I am always afraid of people’s criticism and negativity (I don’t know why). I always try to understand myself and attempt to be brave but I keep failing. I talk to myself because I don’t share my feelings with anyone except my mom, but now even she doesn’t understand me and just criticises me like the others. So I have stopped talking. I now talk to myself and am wondering if this is normal. I feel stuck and cannot focus on anything. How can I gain control of myself again? Will this affect my future? Am I depressed? I don’t want to be depressed. How can I help myself?   
Need Advice  

Dear Need Advice,
Do you know that the only people who don’t get criticised are the ones who do nothing at all? So you are in good company. If you never put yourself out there, no one will see or hear you, and so there will be no criticism either. But you also won’t get anything done.

‘I have stopped talking to others’

Inversely, there are plenty of people who will criticise you for staying in your shell and for not putting yourself out there.  So there is no getting away from criticism. Might as well face it head on. 

As you are already discovering, your fear of criticism is holding you back in life. You find it hard to speak up in front of others. If you want that to change, you will need to find the courage within you to share your ideas and your thoughts with others. Then get ready for the praise… and the criticism.   

Let’s take the example of this column. Auntie gets criticised quite severely sometimes for the advice she gives.  I would be lying if I said that I don’t get upset by some of the negative feedback from those criticising the advice. However, I try to look at the criticism rationally. Usually I find that the person criticising my advice has a point that I missed. Or they looked at the problem from an angle that was more relevant and which I didn’t consider. So, sometimes they are right. Also, I am not perfect. The other thing to consider when vetting criticism is that, sometimes, the person is probably just venting their own frustrations. Some people just need a target and will criticise you for the sake of criticising and those are the ones you should ignore and avoid.  

So, find the courage within you to speak up and share your thoughts. Others are speaking up and sharing their imperfect thoughts and beliefs in person, on TV and on social media…. so why not you? If someone reacts to what you share, consider the feedback — let’s not call it criticism right away. What is the person’s intention? Do they want to run you down for no reason or do they have a point? If they are making a valid point, use the information to tweak your point of view and improve yourself. Otherwise, just ignore the criticism.  

If this doesn’t help you and your problem feels debilitating, please seek professional help.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, January 29th, 2023