Hi Auntie,

I am a 30-year-old woman working in the education sector. I am short, intelligent and independent. During the pandemic, after several rejections, I joined a matrimonial app to find a life partner, and found a man there.

He was good in all aspects and, as the conversation continued, we started to like each other. After a couple of months, he told me that he is married to his cousin and doesn’t have a good life with her. His family had forced him to marry her, and presently they live in different countries.

I started to question everything, fought many times with him, blocked and unblocked him. He always assured me that he has no contact with her by sending screenshots of their message history. I trusted him. I asked him to talk to his parents about me if he is serious about me and leave his cousin to continue our relationship. He said that he has talked to his parents but they are not okay with the idea and he can’t leave her because of them. He says, “You will marry me, trust me I am always here with you, forget about my family.” I am in contact with him because I am helping him in his work.

‘He wants me to be the secret second wife’

I talked to my mother and forced her to talk to him. She did but was focused on his wife and the acceptance of his parents. She warns me that my future will be uncertain, and I will have to compromise in many ways.

I am confused as he always comes to me with logical reasoning. He is independent and I can have a life of my own choice. But when it comes to his family, they don’t agree. My mind is not working.

Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Yes, your mind is not working! This man is taking advantage of you, because he knows you have feelings for him. You should have ended the conversation and blocked him the minute you found out he was married.

Listen to your mother and your family. They are more experienced and know that age-old story that married men who cheat love to throw ‘I am unhappily married and my wife and I don’t have a relationship’ at vulnerable girls like you. Yawn.

If he is so unhappily married, why has he not left his wife? If he is under family pressure, it means he does not take his decisions independently. If you marry him and if his family decides to side with the cousin/wife, he could very well cave into family pressure and leave you. He is not as independent as he says he is. Always pay attention to what people do, rather than what they say. Talk is cheap!

When he says ‘forget about my family’, it sounds like he wants to rope you into a situation where no one from his family likes or meets the second wife. Do you really want that? How will that make you feel about yourself? Do you want to be a secret wife? Or do you want to be the wife that was never accepted by the family?

You are potentially destroying another woman’s life. If he can’t defy his mother’s wishes and leave the marriage for ‘his love’, you are simply not important enough. You are fifth on his list of priorities, after his mom, dad, wife and the status quo. And the status quo is a long list in itself, which includes his friends, his house, his money, etc.

Suppose he does leave the wife to marry you. How will you ensure that he will not make another profile on a matrimonial site and start another affair? You will always wonder who he is chatting with every time he is looking a little too happy using his phone. So many red flags there, please end this affair right now!

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query.

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Published in Dawn, EOS, September 4th, 2022