Dear Auntie,

All my life, I have tried to be an ideal person — an ideal son, an ideal brother, and now husband and father of three daughters.

Twenty-three years ago, I fell in love with my classfellow and, after some delay, expressed it to her through one of our classmates. The “proposal” was rejected by her. Lost in love, I composed poetry and had it published as a book.

I struggled for 20 years and established myself as a lawyer of the Supreme Court of Pakistan and as a renowned human rights activist in the eyes of the public. Thanks to social media, which is the meeting place of lost friends, I found my classfellow again.

She admired my achievements, but I remained reluctant to respond to her. It was painful for me to see the sad state of affairs of her life. She was detached and had failed to find a suitable partner despite being pretty and a pure soul.

‘Should I reconnect with my old flame?’

Notwithstanding her rejection, I still want to console her, but my conscience stops me for two reasons. First, my image as an ideal husband and father will be shattered and, secondly, my life, which is dedicated to human rights and to achieving higher ideals of life, will suffer badly. Should I console her? If yes, how far?

A Sensitive Soul

Dear Sensitive Soul,

I want to ask you one question: how will your wife feel about you getting in touch with your ex? She is really the only person in the world who can help you make this decision. If she is okay with you getting in touch with your ex who is still single and doesn’t mind you consoling her, you may want to consider reconnecting.

Beyond your wife, there is also the matter of your reputation to consider. It seems like you have a high profile in society, where a lot of people admire and look up to you. There are also probably those who are probably watching your every move and waiting for you to make one wrong move before they pounce. We see people’s reputations being blown to smithereens in the blink of an eye on the media every day. Do you really think you can afford to mess up all that you have achieved?

While your feelings for this woman are understandable, the problem with getting in touch with exes is that sometimes old feelings come back. Often feelings that have been lying dormant get activated once you reconnect. Getting in touch with exes is tricky territory and can jeopardise your life.

It is precisely because you have a soft corner for this woman that you are not the right person to be providing her with support. She has managed without you for 20 years. She definitely has other people in her life. You have said in your letter that your conscience stops you from moving towards this woman. Your hesitation and reluctance is your conscience in action. Pay heed to it.

The danger of reconnecting with your ex is not just about your guilty secret coming out in public or about your image in society. It is also about doing what is right when no one is watching. Reconnecting with your ex is not wrong or right per se. But what are your real intentions behind this? Are you being completely transparent with your wife about this?

If you still nurture feelings for your old friend (it seems from your letter that you do) and you can’t bring yourself to tell your wife about meeting your ex, then you need to nip this in the bud, right now.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query.

Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, August 14th, 2022