Dear Auntie, 
I am in a lot of trouble. I am a 15-year old boy studying in 10th class. My parents are making me suicidal by putting a lot of pressure on me to get high marks in class tests. I have always been a bright student, but since I got lower marks in my class tests, they have started mentally torturing me and beating me. They have said things such as ‘why do you even exist’?

They are bullying me without even asking me the reason for getting low marks. I didn’t get low marks because I did not know the answers. I knew all the answers, but my friends who turn in a blank test paper because their parents do not ask them about it, forced me to do the same.

I am very stressed and depressed. I cry in the washroom with the taps on. I am getting suicidal thoughts, but I want to live.

I have a lot of dreams. But I think they cannot be fulfilled. I do not want to take that decision, but if they continue to behave this way with me, I may take that dreaded step. 
Please help.
Suicidal 

‘My parents are making me suicidal’

Dear Suicidal
If you’re having suicidal thoughts, please look up a free mental health hotline and call them for a chat. You can Google this. Also when you feel this way, decide to wait for a week and see how you feel after that.  Also turn to someone, a sibling, a relative or a friend, who understands you better than your parents at this point, for help. Tell them how you are feeling. If you feel like nobody in the world can help you, it is probably because you are not letting anyone help you. However, since you have reached out to me, it means you still have hope that someone can help. If your school has a counsellor, please do seek their help. 

When you feel depressed bring to mind all those who love you. While you may think that your parents do not love you, deep down you know they do.  They have gone overboard in how they are dealing with your situation and have lost their judgment, yet they do love you.  

You say you think about your dreams. How about you write down your dreams and look at that list to help you keep going and giving yourself reasons to live? Also find a distraction. Connect with a friend, or start a regular exercise program — just anything that interests you and will keep you going.

Now on to what you did. While your parents have had a terrible reaction to your grades, which is completely unjustifiable, what you did also shows a lack of judgment. You absolutely should not throw away a test that you have worked hard for because of friends who don’t care about their grades. A moment of rebellion can end up affecting something important in your life: in this case, your grades. ‘Friends’ who encourage you to throw away your grades are not really friends.

Make an effort to think for yourself. When someone asks you to do something, stop for a bit and think about whether you really want to do it and if the consequences are worth it. Question everything that is thrown your way and think about whether it is worth your time.  

Also stop seeking the approval of people who have nothing to offer you. If your friends are encouraging you to throw away your grades, they are probably way behind you — a good student — in the system. Do you really need their approval?

Start working on your self-esteem. Make the effort to say positive things to yourself and change your internal conversation. Your grades are good, so you already stand out from the crowd. Work on improving them further, improving yourself and setting yourself goals.

As for your parents, you may want to sit them down and convey how you are feeling. Stay calm when you talk to them and use ‘I’ statements to convey how you have been feeling. You could write them a letter if talking to them is difficult. However, even the letter will lead to a complicated conversation, so be ready for it.

Finally, understand that your parents’ behaviour is about them and not about you. It is their character flaw — our parents are not perfect. You did something wrong but their reaction was unjustified. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and no one, not even your parents, have the right to make you feel small.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, July 25th, 2021