Dear Auntie Agni,
I am 27 years old and have been married for five years. It was an arranged marriage and when my parents told me about the proposal, and that they wanted to get me married, I just thought ‘why not?’ So my husband’s proposal was accepted and I got married. We are both completely different people with different needs and ideals. I want my husband to be my friend, someone to share my thoughts with. Sometimes I feel lonely in my marriage. My husband is an honest and hardworking person and even though he is a good man, he is short-tempered. Sometimes I think that he is only tolerating me because I am his wife now and he cannot leave me.

I have many faults, the first and foremost being that I am lazy and often do things that annoy him. For example, he likes to be tip-top about everything, especially dressing up, and I am a baggy-shirt type girl (while I enjoy dressing up but not every day), who can wear a dupatta with a burnt hole in it! (I usually pin it up in a way that nobody will notice.) And surely nobody will notice except my husband who has the sharp eye of an eagle and this then brings another round of scolding.

Please give me advice on how to be friends with my husband.

‘How can I be friends with my hubby?’

A happy marriage seeker

Dear Find-Yourself,
You say that you husband and you are completely different people. Let’s be realistic here; this will be true regardless of whom you are married to. There is no one on this earth who thinks and behaves exactly like you. And thank God for that! Who wants to be married to themselves? Also, let’s shatter the myth: Mr Perfect does not exist. That myth was fed to us through fairytales we grew up on. There are no knights in shining armours. People in longstanding successful marriages learn early on that there is no point in trying to change another person (into a knight). It doesn’t happen. People are creatures of habit. They change when they want to change. If you try to force it, it can get ugly.

So, the advice to you is to look for what you love about your husband. You have dropped some clues about this in your email. You say that your husband is honest and hardworking and also pretty tolerant. Focus on those qualities and convey to him that you appreciate them.

That may lead to an easier relationship, but we are talking about people here. You just cannot predict how the other person will react. Maybe he doesn’t think spouses can be BFFs. Perhaps that is the marriage model he grew up with. Observe his family closely and you will get an understanding of how he views marriage. Knowing where his world view comes from may make it easier for you to accept him for who he is. And perhaps that could lead to a closer bond between the two of you.

However, if that doesn’t work, go out and fill your friendship tank by making other friends. It is not fair to expect your spouse to be all things to you, every single day. It may work for some people who are very compatible, but it is not true for everyone. Also, Auntie believes that subconsciously we end up marrying people who are different from us. They take over in departments which are not our forte.

Look critically at your expectations of your spouse and your marriage. Then think of creative ways to end your own loneliness and pass your time without demanding that your spouse change who he is.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, April 14th, 2019