Salam Auntie
I am a 16 year-old-girl doing my O - levels. Something I never knew was how painful it is to hate someone you used to love. There was a time I was proud of my dad, but over the past few years everything has changed. From the beginning, my parents had a difficult relationship and I wish it had ended long ago. My father has always been abusive and disrespectful to almost everyone including my mom who has managed to handle her home with her job. My two older siblings and I have seen my parents fight and argue over everything especially money. It is my mom who has always borne our major expenses. Despite this we loved our dad and to be honest he was never this bad with us as he has become now.

About a year ago I found out about my dad’s affair with a woman and that was the day I stopped respecting him and soon my siblings too started hating him. Auntie, we have seen our mom sacrifice everything for us and we can surely not love someone who has betrayed her and has caused so much distress to her. There is constant chaos in the house as my father is not ready to leave that woman and he also financially supports her. At this stage I have come to know so many shocking things about my dad which I can’t even mention here and the hatred they cause boils inside me. He does not care for us and is ready to do anything for that woman, without shame. However sometimes I feel really bad and guilty for hating my dad especially when he emotionally blackmails me and says ‘Nobody loves me’ and begins to talk about dying etc. Now I sometimes want to crash my head in a wall as I can’t take it anymore.

Distressed daughter

Dear Beti,
I am sorry that you have to go through this. We grow up looking up to our parents and sometimes we discover in the worst possible way that they are not perfect.

Your father has made a terrible and selfish decision which is affecting the entire family. However bad things may seem right now, I suggest you try and separate your parents’ marriage from your relationship with your father. Regardless of what happens in your parent’s relationship, your father will remain your father and I am sure he still loves you, even if he seems to have lost his judgment for now.

You say that there have been cracks in your parents’ marriage for a long time. You have seen your mother suffer through the years. However there are always two sides to every marriage. There must be other things that you are unaware of, and which are so private that you should not find out about them, which have built up over the years and brought things to this point. You may be looking for answers about what happened, but there are really no answers that will satisfy you. Human relationships are complex things with shifting dynamics and you have discovered this at a relatively young age.

I urge you to please speak to a sensible adult that you are close to, to help you shed some of the burden of your parents’ messy marriage. I also urge you to please see your father as your father and someone who loves you, rather than as the man who cheated on your mother. Please also try and keep a healthy and optimistic outlook on life and love. I know it is difficult when everything around you seems to be falling apart, but try every day to be grateful for the small things that are working in your life. Also look for examples of happy relationships around you and observe them to understand why they are working. Life has sent a double whammy your way. Most people receive a few double whammies in their lives. Yours arrived a little early. The best way to deal with it is to understand that your parents are flawed (everyone is flawed), forgive them and continue to love them.

Dear Auntie
I am a mother of a 3-year-old daughter. I feel my daughter is in intense trouble and I am seeking your suggestions. My daughter is extremely shy, scared and lacks confidence, unlike other children in the family. We live in a village in a joint family system, but she does not socialise with her cousins because they hit her and tease her a lot. Complaining to their parents has not worked as I have tried it a lot.

She cannot defend herself like them. I often try to tell her that she should be brave and hit them in response. It may be wrong to teach a kid to hit, but what else can I do.

She always sticks to me wherever I move in the house. Her father is abroad and she is completely focused on me. She is not attached to anyone else. She often gets frightened while sleeping. She is extremely scared and weeps when she hears sounds outside the house like vehicles and animals. We have our own cattle, but she does not go to that section outside our house.

Worried Mother

Dear Mom,
Often a child who becomes clingy does so as part of normal development. At this age clinginess is usually just a phase and it could have been triggered by anything. The first thing that comes to Auntie’s mind is perhaps it started when her father left for abroad. It is a big change and such changes are known to trigger clinginess in toddlers.

Be firm with your relatives and tell them that your daughter is missing her father and that they have to be kinder and gentler with her. You need to ease her into interacting with other family members. Start with getting her to sit in your lap while a relative plays with her. And slowly maybe she will get off your lap and go play with the relative.

Never disappear suddenly though. You can try and increase the distance between her and you, but be around. Slowly you can start leaving the room. Be reassuring when you explain to her that you will be leaving the room to get her clothes from the other room. Keep talking to her from the other room when you go.

She won’t stop being clingy overnight. The idea is to be patient and ease her into being away from you and keep reassuring her that you are around or will be back.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, October 2nd, 2016