Dear Auntie,

I have been thinking about writing to you for a while. The problems which I am about to discuss are getting worse and worse. It is about my wife’s ex classmate, who has made my life a mess. I got married seven years ago. Soon after my first son was born my wife’s ex classmate shifted to my neighbourhood. From that point on she started having an affair with him. When I tried to investigate and confront her, she blamed me for not trusting her. She sometimes visits her friend for weekends. Once when I accidentally visited her friend I was shocked to see my wife and her ex classmate sharing a room. I left angrily and when she came back I fought with her and sent her to her parents’ home. She then apologised to me, which I accepted since we had two more children by then. I recently discovered that she is still meeting her ex classmate. Auntie, please tell me what should I do now as I cannot take it anymore. Sometimes I think about divorcing her, but then I think of my three children.

Waiting for your suggestion,

Cheated On

Dear Rare Specie,

Marriages are built on trust. Most people who are happily married automatically assume that their spouses have their best interests at heart and are loyal to them. Your wife has cheated on you repeatedly and it seems she has been cheating on you for a long time now. This was not a one-off mistake. Your wife and her friend were caught red-handed, yet they continued to throw caution to the wind.

If children were not involved, this would be a no-brainer. Auntie would advise you to leave ASAP for the sake of your sanity. That you have put up with your wife’s cheating for so long and can still think rationally about the effects of a divorce on your children is rare and commendable.

Since you are so torn about what to do, please seek professional counselling to decide whether it is worth continuing with this painful situation for the sake of your children. Sometimes the effects of an unhealthy and soulless relationship between parents are worse on children than the effects of a divorce. Many children who live in unstable homes grow up wishing their parents had ended the marriage and put a stop to their daily torture. You sound like a very patient and selfless man, which is why it is even more important for you to consider the devastating effects of this repeated cheating on your esteem and mental health. Start thinking along these lines and then seek the help of a professional counsellor who would be better suited to guide you towards a suitable solution.

 Dear Auntie

I am 35 and live with my mother and brother. My mother grumbles all the time. She is never happy with anything that my brother or I do. She grumbles over petty things and is not even happy with herself. I am so tired of listening to her complaints that I am afraid that I will fall ill. Recently I have started seeking professional help. I work part-time and a lot of time work from home. It is becoming difficult with each passing day. I try my level best to help her and do as much as I can but she blames me for everything no matter how petty it might be. Sometimes she even calls herself a fool and sometimes half crazy. Please help.

Distressed

Dear Grow-a-Thick-Skin,

A mother who diminishes you and puts you down can be devastating for your self confidence. It sounds like your mother is depressed and unless she is open to seeking professional help it looks like you will need to work on developing a thick skin. While you can continue to do all that you say you do for her, at the same time you need to put on an armour for the times she starts complaining, blaming and criticising you. Could you tune her out when she starts? Could you respond in a different way to her jibes? Changing the way you react to her, could change the pattern of your relationship. Try it.

Even though you live with your mother, you should work on having a life of your own outside the home. Cultivate your social life and get out of the house and perhaps work full -time in an office. Auntie does not know the details of your situation at home, however if you can manage to land a full-time job and a full life outside the home, it will do wonders for your finances, your mental health and hopefully also for your relationship with your mother.

You say that you are seeking professional help, have you discussed this problem with your therapist? If not, please do so.

On a separate note — to all the parents out there — it is sad that many people do not realise how negative remarks that they make quite casually can scar a child, continue to haunt them for years, and even end up defining their lives in some ways. Please weigh and watch what you say to your children.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to:

auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine September 25th, 2016