Illustration by Eefa Khalid/Dawn.com

Some facts and suggestions about the drone attacks in Pakistan…

- Drones are unmanned aircrafts. They are called unmanned because they are actually manned by women. So one can say drones are women-manned aircrafts. This is done to insult the conservative sensibilities of our brothers in the tribal areas of the Khyber-Pakhtunkhwa province where there are no women – only men and goats.

- The first drone attack to take place in Pakistan was in 1024 AD. It was fired by a Rajput stooge of the Jesus-hating Jews on the army of Mahmud Ghaznavi that was liberating the Somnath temple from idols … and taking some gold.

- The first Pakistani to be hit by a drone was actually an innocent old camel in North Waziristan. This made all the other camels of that area very angry and militant and as a result, they began to behave like carnivorous sheep. They then all joined Jimran Khan’s Pakistan Threek-e-Miswak – all two trillion of them (humps included).

- Drones were invented by the famous Jewish scientist, Albert Einstein when his equation, E = mc2, was successfully challenged and debunked by the famous Muslim physicist, Ali Azmat in his equally famous book, ‘War and Peace’ co-written with nuclear scientist, alchemist and judo expert, Zaid Hamid in 1941. When asked how that was possible when the first drone was used in 1024 AD, Hamid said it was a case of time travel. This, he said, was achieved when the reptilian Elders of Zion discovered a wormhole near Jerusalem which distorted the space-time continuum in the area and made the camels of that area very angry and militant. Thus, the invention of drones, dig?

- Ever since 1024 AD, drones have killed over three billion Pakistani Muslims. It is strange how not a single non-Muslim Pakistani has ever been killed by a drone. So, to balance things out, the angry camels began to kill Christians, Hindus and Ahmadis. It was only fair.

- Compared to the three billion Pakistani Muslims killed by the drones, only fourteen Pakistanis have been killed in suicide attacks by the angry camels. Such attacks are not common in Pakistan. In fact, the first ever suicide attack in the country took place only last Monday and that too in Karachi which is a city full of sinners and bad Muslims anyway.

- It is wrong to say that the Pakistan military is allowing the Americans to use drones in the country. The truth is that it is actually against the drones that the army is fighting and not the so-called militants, who are simply innocent herdsmen and shoe-salesmen. The truth is that it is the civilian government which is allowing the Americans to use drones – especially President Zardari who is believed to own a number of drone factories in Switzerland.

- President Zardari is also planning to setup a drone factory on the moon on a large area that he illegally occupied by evicting poverty-stricken Uzbek and Chechnyan Muslim liberation fighters who wanted to liberate the moon from the tyranny of the descendants of Jewish astronaut, Neil Armstrong, who by the way, had converted to Islam after he had heard the azaan on the moon. But he turned out to be a bad Muslim, unlike Michael Jackson who turned out to be a good one, before he died in a drone attack.

- The Government of Pakistan is not allowing its greatest scientist – in fact, the world’s greatest scientist – Dr. A Q. Skywalker, to develop the drone technology so Pakistan can make its own drones and kill innocent shepherds and shoe-salesmen itself. In fact, the so-called militants are on record saying that they would rather die from a Pakistani drone than an American one.

- This way they will stop blowing up mosques, shrines and markets out of revenge (and basically, just for the heck of it). The Pakistani drones will also make sure that no innocent Pakistani (i.e. Muslim, of course) is killed. This would drastically bring down the number of drone casualties because only one out of a million people living in Waziristan is a militant. That is a fact. And that explosion you just heard was actually a gas cylinder exploding.

- It is not true that Americans use drones to attack those militants that the Pakistani military is protecting. This is an American lie. And that gas cylinder explosion you just heard is actually innocent civilians being attacked by a drone.

- It is a sad fact that some Pakistanis use more time protesting about trivial issues such as blasphemy, gang-rape cases and the fourteen people who were killed in the only suicide attack that has ever taken place in this country, instead of protesting against the drones that have killed billions of Pakistanis. But then, such misguided people are all alcoholics, drug addicts and believers of free sex, so one cannot expect them to speak out against the drones. They will all burn in hell. Inshahallah.

- The Americans are bribing the Chinese to make toy drones so they can be exported to Pakistan and given to Muslim children to play with. We should retaliate by asking the Chinese to make toy models of Imran Khan, Altaf Hussain and Shahbaz Sharif – the sort who'd say, ‘stop drones, stop drones, stop drones ...’ each time their strings are pulled by children. These children can be dressed in cute little military uniforms.

- Orders should also be placed for the making of revolutionary dolls (male, of course) whose features are a cross between Che Guevara, Osama Bin Laden and Lady Gaga. Tariq Ali can be used to market these dolls.

- Pakistan should make manned drones i.e., un-women-manned drones manned by hunks, called hunk-manned drones. Trained pilots should not be necessary for such drones. One’s ghairat, patriotism and control over his daily flatulence cycle should be enough. We suggest handsome, ingenious and muscular hunks like Hamid Pir, and Shaljam Lucman and patriotic hunk-man-women sirens like Meher Bukhar and Hajjan Mulazma Shirazi be given the honour of using these hunk-manned drones against the sissy women-manned American drones.

- Last but not the least, the drones are also said to be the main cause of last year’s devastating floods in Pakistan and this year’s horrifying earthquakes in the Islamic Emirates of Japan. There is ample evidence to prove this, and that is why the government is trying to devolve the Higher Education Commission (HEC) because HEC’s brilliant scholars are close to proving the long-term effects of drone attacks. Apart from floods and earthquakes (in Muslim countries), the effects also include the spread of AIDs, homosexuality (and thus, AIDs), energy shortage, corruption, dengue fever, hair-loss and worst of all, the banning of the most famous, brilliant and vital sports channel in the whole Milky Way Galaxy, ‘Peo Stopper!’

Nadeem F. Paracha is a cultural critic and senior columnist for Dawn Newspaper and Dawn.com.

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.