-Illustration by Eefa Khalid.

We, the man-kind, have always wanted the woman-kind (our girlfriends) to love us, to cook for us, to look after us when we are sick, and to shut up while they are at all this. Really, is this possible? If so, what is the best way to go about it? To date, nobody has come up with a permanent solution to the problem, but Kant enthusiasts over the decades have devised some effective methods to achieve this golden silence. Hold it, before unbridled ecstasy overcomes you, for silence read momentary, for-the-time-being silence.

Let’s take a typical situation: you’re driving with your girlfriend and are having one of those I-would-rather-be-shot-in-the-head discussions, of course against your will, where you’re being treated as a second hand fridge – opening and closing to the other party’s whims. To the point that your only contributions to the ‘dialogue’ are tired Hmms and Ahans, which of course your girlfriend makes you repeat because she couldn’t hear you properly the first time. She is then offended by one of two things (or sometimes by both): by the coherence in your aforementioned Hmms and Ahans, or you not listening properly when she spoke. Technology undoubtedly has its limitations, even outright minuses, but it can come to your rescue here. The trick is in the timing, that is, you knowing when to push the play button. At just the right time (in one of those short intervals in her speech when she pauses for breath) lovingly plug in head-phones into her ears, asking her to listen to this new song that you so wanted her to listen to. You can even dedicate the song to her (tumhaara kya jaata hai!) Congratulations, you have earned yourself a concrete four minutes of heavenly silence, if she is type A.

If she is type B, you still manage to scrape out a minute or so of peace before she starts critically analysing the song. Do I hear you ask, “One minute only?” Well, if you don’t appreciate the value of one minute of silence, obviously you don’t have a girlfriend and this article is not for you to start with.

Music might not be every girl’s brew, but no woman can resist honesty. You should give your girlfriend the truth when in bad need of some personal time. For instance, if she asks you how she looks, say, “Bad” and enjoy the awkward silence; albeit in full knowledge that a tsunami can’t be too far away. Tsunami notwithstanding, it is the best thing to say because if you say, “Good”, the odds are that her next question will be, “Then why didn’t you say it prior to my asking?” And your subsequent answer will give birth to numerous questions, which will never let you have the desired silence or the freedom to think on the real manly issues.

If you never get the opportunity to practice the above, or fail to achieve desired results (whichever comes first), all hope is still not lost…yet. Take her often to social gathering: weddings, get-togethers, birthday bashes; in these times all your unemployed friends come in handy – invite them over because they are never in a hurry to leave. It has been observed by shrewd man-minds that girlfriends are at their most impeccable in terms of behavior when in public (minus the somewhat rare occasions when you have been caught cheating). Your girlfriend will try her best to prove to all and sundry that she knows you better than anyone. Consequently, not only will she restrain herself from inquiring unnecessary things from you, because that will mar her know-it-all reputation; she will also answer upfront all such unnecessary questions directed towards you from elsewhere. Saves you from her rapid fire round and helps you to dissipate her wrath on others – two birds with one stone, really.

This one’s a personal favourite. When there seems no way out, and she refuses to spare you from the non-stop questions coming in at the speed of light: In the sweetest tone at your disposal, ask her to resurrect your first date together by writing you a letter about her experience. You don’t even know it and you have given her the world. She will pour everything into writing the perfect pink account while you can sit back and enjoy two episodes of your favorite show in peace. And if you are really lucky you might even get time to sort out some of your actual worries in the meanwhile.

If the two of you are watching a movie together, never utter a single word in praise of the pretty lady in it. Instead as soon as she makes her first appearance, tell your girlfriend that you don’t like her at all. The happiness this will cause her might let you watch the movie in peace (okay I know I’m being optimistic here, but you have to be in relationships).

Unexpected presents sometimes do the trick too. While you can disappoint her by not giving her a birthday present for which she might refuse to talk to you (remember taking a break is actually healthy for the relationship and your blood pressure); giving a present when she isn’t expecting it can do wonders as well. Ever realised when you take her out for dinner, she gets all romantic and quiet (quiet is what you want).

Give her a self-created (that is, created by yourself) problem so that she takes a couple of minutes of intellectual’s silence before unleashing a really long theory. Remember, never practice this on yourself – this piece is meant to teach you how to make your girlfriend silent. Your silences will never be a source of inspiration for her; in fact when she is screaming at you and you prefer not to utter a single word (bura na kaho, etc), while common sense says this should shut her up, in practice it almost never does.

If you think this article does not make sense despite the fact that you are a man, the failing lies with you and not the author. But don’t abandon hope. Remember, life is absurd and full of paradoxes. You will undoubtedly grow to understand better. As for a reaction from ladies, If I get killed or go missing anytime soon, it is not the ISI.

 


The author is a journalist, director/producer, actor, documentary maker, blogger/columnist, managing director of a theatre company called Mishermayl and a struggling musician.

 


The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

The writer is a member of the band Beygairat Brigade.

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

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Comments are closed.

Comments (46)

Asad Hamid
August 1, 2012 9:57 am
I think we need to give her some time, try to mold yourself and also try to make her realize that she needs to change her habit, try to built trust in your relationship when trust is there nothing happens to the relationship its my personal opinion. spend quality time together, take her to some restaurant, occasionally send her some gift may be a watch or jewelry. best of luck
Aftab Saeed
August 1, 2012 9:52 am
If u treat your girl friend like u do your wife, two things can happen. She will ditch u because no wife is treated like a girl friend. It would look so odd and it is a come down for a g/f. The other effect can b that she will start nagging u more because nobody can beat a wife at that.
Ahmad Raza Khalid
August 2, 2012 10:11 am
Author should realize that in Pakistan we have much bigger problems to look after.Who cares for ladies.Besides all this AUHTOR 'You should not be promoting such things in Pakistan' i mean this article seems to encourage people to have this sleazy concept of BF/GF which is not good.We should create our own identity , not copy someone else(esp. not west).Allama Iqbal said: Mera tareeq ameeri nai, faqeeri hai Khudi na baich, ghareebi mein nam paida kar!! Khuda Hafiz and Regards.
Rope
August 3, 2012 6:36 pm
Spoken like a true Muslim man who will never have an equal relationship with a woman in his life :). All the best brother, wish you well.
Zakir
August 1, 2012 1:21 pm
Is this happening in Pakistan....
Rope
August 1, 2012 10:56 am
A bit sexist and condescending, don't you think?
aaa
August 1, 2012 10:16 am
At times when i read such articles i understand the reason why women always have a list of why they left their husband boyfriend and the male has just a dumb expression and say '' she left me for not reason.''
Imran
August 2, 2012 11:30 am
Wow. I actually had water in my eyes by laughing so hard. Good one mate.
Hamza
August 3, 2012 12:12 pm
Why suppose with such absurd conclusions when it's about women and men? And yes, I still would if it is indeed the irrationality of the muslims that is being discussed. Irrationality is what you laugh at right, not at rational actions? It's very easy to take every discussion to a religious level. Be tolerant and learn to laugh on yourself.
khurram Raza
August 1, 2012 11:22 am
hahahahahaha....we the man-kind! sigh!
shankar
August 1, 2012 11:19 am
Good one! I hope God blesses Pakistan with a lot more of the problems of non-stop-question-asking-girlfriend kind!
Yousafzai
August 1, 2012 7:30 am
I am a bit bugged by the fact that you have put 'girl-friend' instead of wife. Don't know where you are based but in Pakistan, we don't (and don't want to) do "girl-friends" except in some ultra- and ultra-modern families, who don't represent Pakistan in the first place. Nice read though.
Khawaja Ali Arshad
August 1, 2012 7:30 am
Reblogged this on Mirch Masala and commented: A must read :D
Asjad
August 1, 2012 7:43 am
Hahahah...hilarious :)!
illawarrior
August 1, 2012 7:48 am
Another way to stop a wife or girlfriend from nagging, is to do what she tells you the first time!!!
لالاجی
August 1, 2012 7:49 am
Disappointed... I have already tried all these tricks man... come up with something new... :(
Heidi Street
August 1, 2012 8:05 am
Reblogged this on The Teenage Jane Austen and commented: I might be a girl, but this is pretty funny! Something for the male readers and Josh methinks LOL
Guest
August 1, 2012 9:04 am
a) you don't deserve a girlfriend b) you're going missing soon
ali
August 1, 2012 9:06 am
Totally agree
Dilawer
August 1, 2012 9:07 am
I think that time has come to have girl friends meaning no kids. Look at the out of control population. Girl friends do not want kids that is for sure.
Sangeen Khan
August 1, 2012 9:32 am
Agree as well. Article's funny side aside, this thing bugged me as well. I left Pakistan for higher studies in engineering in 2003 and back then i never heard this 'girl friend' thing in college or uni. After like 9 years our country we may have regressed in almost every sector, at least we have "progressed" so much that we don't consider the "girl friend" concept alien to our society no more. Way to go.
Napak
August 1, 2012 9:47 am
Enjoy your journey back to stone age Pakistan
farook
August 1, 2012 6:36 pm
My thoughts the same. Do we ever realise how far we've gone in our disobedience to the Almighty? We didn't made the country for this!
Pradip
August 1, 2012 6:46 pm
Hilarious... loved the last line! You are not the alu-anda singer - are you, given the subtle and not so subtle political innuendos? LOL
Hamza
August 2, 2012 11:49 am
Don't know where he is based but it seems that you are definitely based somewhere in a very honorable and pious neighbourhood.
Hamza
August 2, 2012 11:48 am
Leave your girlfriend?
Hamza
August 2, 2012 11:47 am
True. The way of writing is a lot better but.
Hamza
August 2, 2012 11:46 am
It is meant to be funny. That is the point, don't you see?
fika77
August 1, 2012 9:03 pm
Bono summed it up: "I can't live with or without you"
Rope
August 2, 2012 1:25 pm
Suppose they replace men with non-Muslims and women with Muslims in the above blog, so it becomes a blog about non-Muslims discussing the irrationality of Muslims, would you still find it a hoot? That's the point, don't you see?
salah khan
August 2, 2012 1:34 am
dude are u talking about Pakistan??
chak
August 2, 2012 3:44 am
Are women the same everywhere? Just thinking, coz men sure seem to be.
Sara M
August 2, 2012 3:59 am
HAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHA. I'm a girl and I can totally understand where the author is coming from. Lovely blog! :D
Sabih
August 2, 2012 4:38 am
lala ji khudkushi he reh gayee hai phir tau
Zeeshan Shamsi
August 2, 2012 4:57 am
Why can't your wife be your girl friend? Give her some credit, and uplift her from her "khadma" status. So the no so ultra modern represent Pakistan in the first place? Some thinking that is.
Zehra
August 2, 2012 5:15 am
It is not the ISI! LOLOLOLOL
SalooBhai
August 2, 2012 5:22 am
funny & ribald.
@ThePunjani
August 2, 2012 6:11 am
Awesome...!
The Raftsman
August 2, 2012 6:17 am
oh pity...to see the day when dawn starts running tribune style blogs
FSH
August 2, 2012 7:07 am
Well said - well said - well said Such is the state of journalism in pakistan!!! "tribune style blogs" LoL
Guy
August 2, 2012 7:33 am
Can't i just like, pay her to shut up?
Farah
August 2, 2012 7:39 am
If I get killed or go missing anytime soon, it is not the ISI. im pretty sure its gona be ur gf :D ... enjoyed reading , good work (Y)
Amna
August 2, 2012 8:07 am
HaaaaHaaaHaaaHaaa funny :)
Mujtaba Zaidi
August 2, 2012 9:02 pm
This is hilarious. I like the way he put the article through sarcastic tone. It reminded me of Urdu Literature and particularly Ibn e Insha and Mushtaq Ahmed Yousufi.. Lovely Article.
Julundhar
August 3, 2012 9:53 am
That would make her..... something you'd find on craigslist...
Ali
August 4, 2012 4:22 pm
OH GOD WHY?
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