O, brothers, fathers, sons and creatures from the rib! Presenting your favourite DJ Bountyullah Marconi, straight from the heart of Khurasan among the habibis, from where the hordes of mujahideen would emerge to fight the end of World Wars.
O! Children of Swat, Kalam, Kanju town and Mam Dheri! Repent! The time hath cometh that thou shall renounce the lives of jahilia. Tune thy frequency to my sermons if thou seeketh salvation from thine sins. Heareth your shepherd and stay in line as good flock. Thou art stiff necked people, lest I consume thee with the fire of C4, come in droves to the path of the al Qaeda.
And it shall come to pass that I would impose ‘Mullah Omar’s Law’ in the land of the pure and make it an Islamic Welfare State coveted by the scantily-covered-navel countries. Blessed art thou who sendeth thy children to our flock of Jedi’s, and art dressed in robes of honour (khilat-e-fakhira) adorned with precious stones of C4 and cursed art thou who sendth thy children to schools.
Here are my commandments! Pay heed to them, let them relieve thee from thy sins lest my Kalashinov relieve thee from thy life. Follow my commandments and you will be chair lifted from Malamjabba to Paradise.
O, children of Kalamite, Swatihites, and Kanju town! 20th July will be celebrated for the great invention of Guglielmo Marconi, exalted member of Mussolini’s grand fascist council.
1- Don’t listen to the voice of satanic singers on TVs, CDs, computers. Shun these instruments of satan that stireth an appetite of lust unto thy hearts. Burn all CDs (all Dutch CDs must be handed over to your Jedi brothers). Only the radio frequency of thy favourite DJ is not forbidden unto you.
2- Keep the hair on thy face uncut. Anyone who puts a blade on a beard art friends of satan. Shun the barbers like lepers! And the beard shall come to pass through the lantern glass, if thou want thy bearded head unto thy shoulders. But put a blade on all other hair that are hidden.
3- Don’t flyeth kites in the skies like the idolaters of the days of ignorance. Cut these strings of satan that sways paper into the sky like satan swayeth you. Also, thine kites obstruct the radio frequency.
4-O! Creatures from the rib! You must not painteth your nails and put on makeup to lead astray thy Jedi brothers. Cover thyself like Egyptian mummies.
5- You must not visit male doctors for ultrasound tests. Only the sound of yours truly is the remedy for thy wretchedness.
6- Thou shall not venture out from thy abodes without thy bloody relatives or my Jedi brothers. If you do venture forth in emergency, don’t wear fancy footwear as that lights the fire of passion amongst thy Jedi brothers, lest your foot wear destoryeth my foot soldiers and sets them ablaze like the Ojri Camp.
7-You must not enter the bathroom with your right foot. Or thy Jedi brothers will drag you by the same foot to the road and giveth a burnt offering like the pious children of Bahawalpur.
8- You must not play football in the field wearing short trousers, instead train thine children of the Swatinites with lances, boxing and the art of horse riding.
9- O children of Kalamites, Swatintes, Kanju Town and Mam dheri! Tie your baggy trousers over thy navel, and tuck in thy trousers so thy ankles art naked … but creatures from the rib, though shalt cover your ankles and shall not wear anklets that produce sounds of satan.
10- Cover your heads with cloth turned clockwise as thou tieth your wounded fingers. If you are found without covered heads, offer 500 silver pieces to thy jedi brothers as atonement of your sin in the tradition of the Tuesday Garden.
Verily the day of the massacre of infidels is near. Doth you seeth the CDs of al Qaeda. Verily these art the signs that the seekers of peace seeth.
The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.