Dawn News

Presenting Mullah FM Bountyullah

O, brothers, fathers, sons and creatures from the rib! Presenting your favourite DJ Bountyullah Marconi, straight from the heart of Khurasan among the habibis, from where the hordes of mujahideen would emerge to fight the end of World Wars.

O! Children of Swat, Kalam, Kanju town and Mam Dheri! Repent! The time hath cometh that thou shall renounce the lives of jahilia. Tune thy frequency to my sermons if thou seeketh salvation from thine sins. Heareth your shepherd and stay in line as good flock. Thou art stiff necked people, lest I consume thee with the fire of C4, come in droves to the path of the al Qaeda.

And it shall come to pass that I would impose ‘Mullah Omar’s Law’ in the land of the pure and make it an Islamic Welfare State coveted by the scantily-covered-navel countries. Blessed art thou who sendeth thy children to our flock of Jedi’s, and art dressed in robes of honour (khilat-e-fakhira) adorned with precious stones of C4 and cursed art thou who sendth thy children to schools.

Here are my commandments! Pay heed to them, let them relieve thee from thy sins lest my Kalashinov relieve thee from thy life. Follow my commandments and you will be chair lifted from Malamjabba to Paradise.

O, children of Kalamite, Swatihites, and Kanju town! 20th July will be celebrated for the great invention of Guglielmo Marconi, exalted member of Mussolini’s grand fascist council.

1- Don’t listen to the voice of satanic singers on TVs, CDs, computers. Shun these instruments of satan that stireth an appetite of lust unto thy hearts. Burn all CDs (all Dutch CDs must be handed over to your Jedi brothers). Only the radio frequency of thy favourite DJ is not forbidden unto you.

2- Keep the hair on thy face uncut. Anyone who puts a blade on a beard art friends of satan. Shun the barbers like lepers! And the beard shall come to pass through the lantern glass, if thou want thy bearded head unto thy shoulders. But put a blade on all other hair that are hidden.

3- Don’t flyeth kites in the skies like the idolaters of the days of ignorance. Cut these strings of satan that sways paper into the sky like satan swayeth you. Also, thine kites obstruct the radio frequency.

4-O! Creatures from the rib! You must not painteth your nails and put on makeup to lead astray thy Jedi brothers. Cover thyself like Egyptian mummies.

5- You must not visit male doctors for ultrasound tests. Only the sound of yours truly is the remedy for thy wretchedness.

6- Thou shall not venture out from thy abodes without thy bloody relatives or my Jedi brothers. If you do venture forth in emergency, don’t wear fancy footwear as that lights the fire of passion amongst thy Jedi brothers, lest your foot wear destoryeth my foot soldiers and sets them ablaze like the Ojri Camp.

7-You must not enter the bathroom with your right foot. Or thy Jedi brothers will drag you by the same foot to the road and giveth a burnt offering like the pious children of Bahawalpur.

8- You must not play football in the field wearing short trousers, instead train thine children of the Swatinites with lances, boxing and the art of horse riding.

9- O children of Kalamites, Swatintes, Kanju Town and Mam dheri! Tie your baggy trousers over thy navel, and tuck in thy trousers so thy ankles art naked … but creatures from the rib, though shalt cover your ankles and shall not wear anklets that produce sounds of satan.

10- Cover your heads with cloth turned clockwise as thou tieth your wounded fingers. If you are found without covered heads, offer 500 silver pieces to thy jedi brothers as atonement of your sin in the tradition of the Tuesday Garden.

Verily the day of the massacre of infidels is near. Doth you seeth the CDs of al Qaeda. Verily these art the signs that the seekers of peace seeth.

The author left architecture for painting but ended up as a cartoonist and now writes Hijjo. He is the jack of all trades.

The views expressed by this blogger and in the following reader comments do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of the Dawn Media Group.

Comments (59) Closed

Jul 19, 2012 02:26pm
Allah's commandments are not a laughing matter. And THAT is the problem with our society. De-sensitization of the masses when it comes to islam.
G Ali
Jul 18, 2012 02:31pm
There is a clear line between acceptable satire and borderline blasphemy, let me explain where this line is to be drawn, in my humble opinion: In your article above, if you were to satirize the fact that many a "moulvi" today represent the above ten commandments as if they were the pith and substance of Islam- that would be reasonable, for these commandments are by no means the only measure of a Muslim's piety, or even the most important measure. If, however, you seek to ridicule the veracity of 'some' of the above-mentioned commandments, you are running the risk of blaspheming theologically determined rules that are espoused by a considerable number of Muslims in this country. Now, whether the views held by these people are legitimate in your opinion is irrelevant. Regardless of your personal views, you should respect the views of those who uphold these rules to be a part of their religion- this is how a truly compassionate and free society can be founded. I would suggest you keep this in mind when you write your next article. NFP frequently blurs this line, I would recommend you not follow his lead on this particular matter. I encourage you to keep writing, but do so responsibly!
Fawad Khan
Jul 18, 2012 04:53pm
This isn't just the right way, please find some other way for Public's amusement.. This is ridiculous and me being a liberal person, felt offended.. Thumbs down !!
Jul 18, 2012 04:15pm
there are dozens of topics ranging from politics to daily cultural life we can laugh at. Islamic teachings are & should be sacred for its believers and one can't be allowed to discuss them this way.
Jul 19, 2012 01:32pm
Liberal extremist are the worst. I would prefer full extreme Islamic control over Pakistan instead of these illilerate liberals who does not know why Pakistan was made and what is the essense of this life and aakhirah!
Jul 18, 2012 11:42am
Very nice. But the Urdu version is twice hilarious. May be the author wrote the original article in Urdu and then translated it in English.
El Cid
Jul 19, 2012 10:30am
They should be allowed...and so should you be allowed to respond. There is a global war going on against Muslims and Islam in cyber space--the Internet is the battle-ground. It is internationally funded, focused, brutal. Get used to it. It has only just begun. It is time for all Muslims around the Globe to become aware of it, get out of their cocoons and learn to respond appropriately, or you NOT Islam will be annihilated, literally. The Taliban Kalashnikov you detest so much may become your best friend...it is a desperate yet wise call, but appropriate only when equity, rationality, wisdom, all fail—it is the last resort, should you want to live free...when they are hammering down your bed-room door in the middle of the night. Droning down from skies up high. Then computers become junk and the war moves into real space. Too late for some.
Jul 18, 2012 04:01pm
I concur. NFP has lost many a fan with his bordering-on-blasphemy, poking-fun-at-people's-faith kind of satire. While having a different opinion on matters of faith is acceptable, such satire puts you right in the league of those who are rigid. From the Mullah who incessantly decrees on something totally made up according to his interpretation, to the liberal satire artist who ridicules anything that displays a hint of faith - both practice rigidity and both are rather foolish in their actions. The following lines cracked me up though. "...Also, thine kites obstruct the radio frequency."
Jul 21, 2012 10:59am
Why are you generalizing the deed of a few molvies to all? Why are you confusing Mujahedeens with Terrorists? Why are you providing consent to the world to call us terrorists?
Najam Nawaz SAqib
Jul 20, 2012 10:01am
In order to condemn the wrongdoers one can not be allowed to make fun of Islam.
Jul 18, 2012 03:25pm
Beard, 70 virgins in Paradise, etc all these are part of teachings of islam. The way the writter depicts all these give an impression that he is making fun of these ideologies rather than a person.
Jul 18, 2012 03:17pm
Nothing wrong with Islam and nothing wrong in ridiculing extreme views that only harm Islam. Such sarcasam did not get expressed just a few years back. High time many Muslims lighten up and call a spade a spade.
Jul 18, 2012 02:12pm
This is the problem with our society. We just cannot take a joke. Loosen up people and laugh a little, live a little forgodsakes. He is not ridiculing islam he is ridiculing people who have made a mockery of Islam. And they are not some outsiders. They are people from within us.
Jul 18, 2012 07:25am
hilarious! love the way you put it. On serious note.. govt. of Pakistan should take concrete steps to de-radicalize the society otherwise the future looks bleak.
Jul 18, 2012 07:28am
The previous one was good, this one is more direct and shows ridicule... So the cartoonist is getting a bit over with his..
Jul 18, 2012 07:29am
Dear Author, you forgot to mention His 'passionate' Love for '70' virgins in the opening lines
Jul 18, 2012 08:19am
Follow my commandments and you will be chair lifted from Malamjabba to Paradise.....hahahaha thats a double LOL
Jul 18, 2012 08:57am
it's not funny at all. All these 'are' the teachings of Islam but u are presenting Islam in the most degrading way. be a proud Muslim. and don't judge all the molvis in the same category.i think u encountered some of those disguised molvis trained by non-Muslims to distort the image of this peaceful religion....
Jul 18, 2012 09:37am
The Author has a tremendous sense and ability to translate intellect into humor. Great job - must be published in Urdu for more reach..
Jul 18, 2012 09:38am
what does "Bountyullah" will be translated to??
Jul 18, 2012 09:48am
I know many people in Karachi who, in all honesty, do not see any humor in this or at least some of this!
Jul 18, 2012 09:54am
This is not even funny.
Jul 18, 2012 09:55am
My heart aches for these poor souls that they are forced to follow these rules and if they donot ,they end up dead.
El Cid
Jul 19, 2012 09:20am
Please note that the writer, as cartoonist, is satirizing a religious demagogue who challenged a super power, having had a bounty put on him—demonstrating the courage of his convictions.
Fawad Khan
Jul 18, 2012 05:00pm
am with you on this
Mohammad .Siddique
Jul 18, 2012 05:03pm
Well said, i wish they were more people who could see this from your prespective, and i am sure that the more that do the better. Once again i agree with what you have written.
Jul 19, 2012 09:15am
Yes, and all you guys ever do is go around looking for 'blasphemers.' Get a life! Stop playing God all the time.
Ram krishan
Jul 18, 2012 06:16pm
Those disguised Molvis have been trained by Hindu and Budhist priests to distort the image of the only peaceful religion in the world.
Jul 18, 2012 06:24pm
I think it is. What is not?
Umme Muhammed
Jul 18, 2012 08:34pm
Although NFP makes me very angry at times, but atleast he has a natural style of being funny. This piece is purely rubbish, not even funny and trying to be NFP. Cut it out and try your luck somewhere else. Even if u have to earn wretchedness, atleast be good at it.
Jul 18, 2012 09:07pm
What you call pocking fun, is the bitter reality, we are going thru it, just look around.Faith has become a joke these days, thanks to the stagnant ideology. they don't say it in vain when they say ... neem mullah khatra-e-iman.
Tahir Khan
Jul 18, 2012 09:57pm
It was only funny in the first few points, and there aft, it is like cliche, something repeated without much sense of art. I was hoping to have humorous afternoon.
Nazeem Khan
Jul 19, 2012 12:24am
Hilarious!!!! Laughed a lot after so many days.... Please keep it up... May Allah bless you....
Jul 19, 2012 11:41am
people at that time 'had' instruments to cut nails and beard. that's not the point, people keep beard because our Prophet (S.A.W) did and he ordered to cut other hair. he did hajj and trimmed his hair at that point. if u study history u'll know.
Khan Baba
Jul 19, 2012 03:35am
Who is NFP chief? This article has been written by Sabir Nazar.
Ajaya K Dutt
Jul 19, 2012 04:00am
i think u encountered some of those disguised molvis trained by non-Muslims to distort the image of this peaceful religion
Naseema Perveen
Jul 19, 2012 04:18am
infact u didnot understand the essence of article!
Naseema Perveen
Jul 19, 2012 04:33am
infact every thing that happens all around us has two aspects i.e. FORM and ESSENCE let me give example in early ages covering body with tree leaves was a practice(FORM) but the reason behind it was to give protection (ESSENCE), this is what we practice in Islam as well. People used to keep their beard because that time they didnot have instruments but now since it is age of technology every thing has become easy so if all the instruments are available than why not to cut it, if keeping all other hair long is consider not to be cleanliness than why keeping beard is not considered so important?
Naseema Perveen
Jul 19, 2012 04:35am
beautifully written, agreed with the writer,......this is what the art of super writing with which few of many are blessed with.
Muneeb Ahmed Khan
Jul 19, 2012 05:58am
Making fun of the beard and hijaab won't do the author any good. Yes he may sound hilarious but keep in mind the cost of such humour on the day of judgement. And we call ourselves 'Muslims'.
Muneeb Ahmed Khan
Jul 19, 2012 06:01am
You are right Yasir
Amir Khan
Jul 19, 2012 06:45am
This is purely a ridicule of those who never have their views herd on media. I am sure not even a single reader of this work would have or will (for sure) see for themselves what is actually going on in "land of the pure"..
Jul 19, 2012 06:51am
lol the current government is itself liberal extremists.
Jul 19, 2012 06:53am
He is referring to Mullah Fazlullah who has bounty on his head
Jul 19, 2012 06:54am
The writer of this article knows nothing about what he is writing.
Jul 19, 2012 09:47am
Yeah, lightened up already. Any more and I'd fly. A spade is a spade, but this fella is using a pitch-fork, and calling it a spade.
Raoul Ciao
Jul 19, 2012 07:07am
it is interesting that while the cartoonist-writer has used satire to mock overzealousness, there are other respondents who are very upset with him, but NOT with a Mullah FM who kills in the name of the religion they follow. Please note, the author MOCKS alone , lightly, the object of the author KILLS....is the latter acceptable to those who rigidly become upset over satire? Then, verily satan has already entred their minds.......
Not A Mullah
Jul 19, 2012 07:41am
The author is ridiculing pseudo-commandments that have been conjured, as he implies, for political purposes by the terrorists. You appear to be suggesting that ideology of hate and bigotry, if cleverly intertwined within the message of faith should not be ridiculed, because it may appear distasteful to some. That is your personal opinion. But to elevate such satire to the level of "blasphemy" is a sad exaggeration. And that understand the "legitimacy" of the views held by these people is extremely relevant. Because precisely due to that consideration of legitimacy these people are oppressing others to live according to them, and murdering those who do not conform. Understand this point! Basically, you are saying that ridiculing Nazis for their bigoted views against the Jews and Gypsies bordered on blasphemy! Also, blasphemy is strictly a "religious" (theological) judgement. And really, if you want to talk about tolerance then understand that such "judgment" and in Pakistan with its despicable connotations are emblematic of a intolerant and rigid society, completely ignorant of the true teachings of its dominant religion. No mere mortal can make the judgement of blasphemy, as it should be better left to God alone. I think, in this case, this satire is extremely poignant and applicable. Only a seriously distorted mind would consider it blasphemy, especially since the greatest blasphemy has been the ongoing murder of hundreds of innocents on the basis of perceived non-conformance to these "commandments". Have a heart people. This is not a matter of liberal vs. conservative view. Instead a measure of fundamental *human* rights. People should not be allowed to have beliefs that convinces them to kill others if they do not conform to those views. And ridiculing such views is perhaps the simplest form of protest against such form of hate and bigotry.
Jul 19, 2012 08:03am
Very true.....there is a trend in so called satire writers to make fun of teachings of Islam, faith of other people and views of their opponents in the name of freedom of expression and broad-mindedness. It is a fact that if you do not follow any specific teaching that is your matter but if you make fun out of it, it is serious issue and you should consider your views lest you commit blasphemy in ignorance.....You are making fun of beard and trouser above ankle, haven etc etc....this can not be considered as freedom of expression.......
Jul 19, 2012 08:34am
educate the masses to produce leaders like Muhammad Ali Jinnah who have vision
Jul 19, 2012 08:43am
in my opinion the people who think they are very liberals are actually far more fundamentalists then any one else in the whole world. the writer is also one of them.
Jul 19, 2012 09:28am
Too bad you are not one of them.
Jul 19, 2012 09:38am
This is utter misunderstanding that the author is ridiculing the views........... how come beard is under attack if he is making fun of the views of so called terrorists?? there are millions with beard who are no so called terrorists? if beard etc has nothing to do with terrorism then why are you people dragging these things in your so called freedom of speech and satire?? I want to ask very simple question would any of you (as a Muslim) accept the claim that Muslims are terrorists because of some people and all should be treated like them??? that is why you cant victimize a particular class because of misdeeds of some. Have any one of you seen someone referring people as without beard or with mustache..... come on people dont be so biased against a class.
Janice Khan
Jul 19, 2012 09:40am
Don't take ot to heart Yasir. Stay strong. These 'good people', at least they consider themselves to be good and enlightened, have no compunction throwing barbs and arrows at the cherished sentiments of others. It is considered fashionable and in good taste nowadays to target Muslims in this manner.
Jul 20, 2012 04:54am
@Ram Krishan: 'trained by Buddhist priests'??Is there NO failing of this society that is not blamed on external forces? Why cant we take responsibility for our acts of commission and omission?
Agama M.
Jul 20, 2012 06:49pm
"70 virgins in Paradise" Where is this stated in the Qur'an? Please cite a reference from the Qur'an to prove your point. I wish to learn from your knowledge. Thank you.
M. Ovet
Jul 20, 2012 06:55pm
He is referring to a brave man who stood up to a great power. A bounty was put on his head by it so that he may now be hunted by greedy men of his own country for reward money.
Jul 21, 2012 05:06am
@yasir: "70 virgins in Paradise, etc all these are part of teachings of islam". Not true.
Jul 21, 2012 01:27pm
When the pen mocks. The sword kills. The pen is mightier than the sword. It commands, dehumanizes the target, and directs the sword to it. The sword is but a dumb tool for the pen to exploit.