Dear Auntie I am a 16-year-old girl who just finished her O levels. I used to be a disciplined and polite person who could keep her emotions in check even in the most drastic situations. But then my life changed when my father lost his job and started treating us badly. Sometime later, my mother was diagnosed with cancer and during this trial my father left us. My mother successfully completed her treatment, but that period was emotionally trying for us, particularly as chemo caused drastic mood swings. It changed all of us in different ways, but it had all the negative effects on me.

After being a brilliant student, I started suffering from concentration problems and just couldn’t make myself work hard. I feel so down particularly because, even though she has recovered, my mother has taken to using abusive language excessively and saying horrible things, often comparing me to my lousy father. I have always had trouble controlling my anger but now it is worse than ever. After months of being patient with her, I have started to keep emotions pent up and have trouble expressing myself.

After any argument she calls up my khalas and tells them how rude and cruel I am even though her abusive language starts the argument in the first place. I feel embarrassed and have sought solace in isolation and developed an obsession with reading novels and that also infuriates her. I find it better to suffer with my feelings than confront people because I am just so sick and tired of all this. Of continually being patient for other’s sake and swallowing my emotions, even though I feel like tearing the world apart. My mother’s constant accusations of me taking after my father, who I resent are driving me crazy and I just can’t bring myself to apologise again and plead for her forgiveness. I can’t do this anymore. I just feel so angry. There are so many resentful emotions churning within me along with the belief that I truly am evil. Please tell me what the right thing to do is.

Angry

Dear Strong,

What you and your mother have gone through is a lot for anyone to take. In certain situations such as this, children have to behave like adults and counsel their own parents. It is not ideal, but it will help you come out stronger. You need to sit down and talk to your mother calmly, without sounding like you are accusing her. Tell her how the things she says to you are affecting you. Tell her that you need her support and that your grades are suffering. This will not be easy, especially since you cannot always predict how your mother will react and since emotions are all over the place, but you really need to do this if you want things to improve between the two of you. For your part, work on making your mother a part of your life and make her feel important. Ask her for advice, talk to her about your day and if possible do things together such as going window shopping. This should help make things better.

If this doesn’t work, you could tell your aunts about the situation at home and ask for their help in improving your home situation.

Decide today that you will work hard in school and make something of yourself. Then work hard to achieve this. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Everyday make it a point to look for things that are special about you. Also look for things to be grateful for. It probably seems impossible to find anything good in your life, but there are always things that you can show gratitude for. This should calm your mind.

Salam auntie,

My sister is 24-years-old and was married to her maternal cousin nine months ago. But her in-laws generally and husband’s behaviour particularly is very disappointing and painful. She is also pregnant, but this thing did not prove helpful in changing their behavior. This all may sound quite normal to you but the intensity of all these issues is extreme. The major issue is that her husband is not giving her any importance or listening to her. Auntie, please advise a practical and working solution

Extreme helpless

Dear Sis,

It would have been better if your sister herself had sought help, instead of you. This shows that you are more eager to resolve her issues instead of her. Frankly it is borderline interference if it is not coming from the spouses. You haven’t explained in your email how the husband and in-laws have proved disappointing, apart from the fact that they don’t seem to take her seriously or take her opinion into account. Please understand that no marriage is smooth sailing all the way. Marriage is particularly difficult for people who have unrealistic expectations of it. Relationships are never like what Ranvir and Deepika make them seem. Also in many marriages the first few years are particularly difficult. Your sister has become part of a family that is set in their own ways. To expect them to change their ways and the way things are done in their house is a little unfair. Tell her to give herself more time to settle in.

You can help your sister by encouraging her to open up communication with her husband. You should also tell her to not expect things to change overnight and be patient. If your sister constantly cribs about her husband and in-laws, I would strongly recommend that you don’t join in. Listen to her, but don’t add fuel to fire.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, June 26th, 2016