Conventional wisdom and the media’s tendency to focus solely on the popular narrative will tell you that everyone in Pakistan is a bearded, misogynistic, cricket fan.
Fortunately, not everyone in Pakistan is like that. I, for one, am not bearded, don’t think of myself as a misogynist and am definitely not a cricket fan.
I expect there are other, albeit rare, folk like me in the country and as a guy who doesn’t like cricket, perhaps they can relate to my confessions.
1. The only topic of conversation at work, among friends and everywhere else is … you guessed it, cricket!
So, you end up having to sit with your colleagues or friends for a game because that’s what anyone ever seems to want to do.
2. Having to deal with uppity people reveling in the adrenaline of a game
... when all you want is to vent about your long day.
3. You recognise players by the TV commercials you’ve seen them in rather than their playing stats.
4. You can’t tell the players apart on the field.
I mean it’s so difficult telling the goras apart already, amirite? And they don’t have fancy hairstyles or swaggy accessories like the footballers to set them apart.
5. Not knowing whether to congratulate or console when the crowd yells out every time someone is caught out or hits a six…
... because you can’t follow the game
6. Bothering people around you with questions about every.single.thing in the game
... and being met with either an annoyed explanation from that helpful friend or being ignored
7. You just can’t understand what the excitement or suspense about a bunch of sweaty men chasing a tiny red ball is.
8. As a final ditch attempt you try to concentrate on the game when the lights go out and you’re back to square one.
Looks like even the universe doesn’t like cricket – the silly game with the same name as a bug!
9. Having exhausted all ways of getting a normal conversation out of real people you finally go online.
Only to find Facebook and Twitter full of ‘pundits’, armchair analysts and the seasonal fans.
10. You text your friends to tell you when they’ve returned to civilization once a match has ended so you can have a life as well.
11. You hate the test matches because they keep your friends zoned out of your life for like 3 days. (Or is it 5?)
12. When you’re watching a match with friends you fake excitement so they don’t feel bad for you.
Not that they’re noticing you anyway.
13. When all else fails you head home, plop on your bed and turn to the trusty torrents that you were saving for the right time
Now, where is that tub of cookie dough ice-cream I bought yesterday for times like this?
14. The post-match conversations and analyses bore you to death.
STOP! The game was already so long.
15. There is, however, one entertainment factor for you: Players trying to converse in a language that is clearly not within their comfort zone ending up giving you meme-able moments.
And something in common with your friends to laugh about during a series.
