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IN Douglas Adam’s Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the Earth is a supercomputer of such incredible complexity that life itself is only a part of its programme.
The purpose of this programme is to learn the Ultimate Question to the Ultimate Answer of the meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything.
Interestingly, the architects of this scheme were in fact the little white lab mice that humans thought they were experimenting on. In fact, it turned out that the mice were actually conducting the experiment.
Sadly, the Earth is then destroyed to make way for an intergalactic bypass, five minutes before the 10 million-year-long programme came up with results.
Now, did the humans living on Earth, for even a brief moment, realise that they were in fact part of a grand experiment? That they were extras in someone’s movie?
That’s a feeling some of us here in Pakistan may have had from time to time. We may be aware that we’ve been subjected to various kinds of social and political experiments.
We’re being subjected to various social and political experiments.
Take a dollop of capitalism with a heavy sprinkling of military dictatorship. No that’s not right, let’s add socialism with a touch of pan-Islamism and turn up the civilian autocracy. Boiling over? Put the lid on it and, oh never mind just throw it out and start over.
Meanwhile, go find a South Asian mule and dress him up like a Tiger. The Asian kind.
It’s like a movie the writers make up as they go along, changing directors and actors on a whim. They can’t decide if they want a love story, a tragedy, a comedy or just out and out horror.
Then they wonder why it doesn’t make it big on the international circuit, even when they shoot it in English.
But there’s a new script we should try. We may as well.
Instead of elections, we should have an annual ‘storm the parliament’ event. In this, those who can muster up the requisite numbers have a week to get to Islamabad and capture the National Assembly and Senate.
Once there they must give continuous speeches with great bombast and vitriol while holding off rival assaults.
This will be a nationally televised event, with TV channels openly sporting team colours.
It will be politics as a spectator sport, a reality show that will shame even the Kardashians.
Far from being destructive for the economy, it will in fact open up hitherto unimagined sponsorship opportunities; imagine beauty cream manufacturers advertising a ‘New fairness for a New Pakistan’.
During the event, factions (single parties or alliances) will get bonuses depending on their ratings, ranging from better sound systems for speeches and rally music to catering and toilets for supporters and perhaps even a trained danda-bardar squad for when things get hairy.
If you’re thinking that this sounds a lot like the Hunger Games books and movie then you’re right.
But there’s no shame in borrowing when all our previous nationwide cinematic releases have been mishmash potboilers in the worst of the Lollywood tradition, and box-office bombs at that.
The movie references just keep piling up.
Take the current starring lead, Imran Khan.
Is he playing according to script, and if so is it revealed scene by scene or even just made up on the spot like in one of those Gujjar 420 movies?
Or is he, like Jim Carrey in the Truman Show, unaware that the world around him is in fact a massive set, directed by forces unknown to him?
Fans of actor Bill Murray may well have had quite a few Groundhog Day moments as well. In this movie he is fated to repeat the same day over and over again.
Those of us listening to the speeches will identify with being stuck in a never-ending time loop, as will fans of science fiction movies.
Then there’s Bollywood, from the 1980s’ Thakur ki haveli from which the prime minister seemingly derives his interior decoration inspiration, and Mughal-i-Azam, which apparently serves as a governance guide.
And of course, there’s the infamous plot device where brothers separated at birth find they both have two halves of the same locket and learn of their blood ties, while swearing vengeance on the villain.
We saw that too, when Qadri and Imran finally shared a container roof and a firm handshake.
Finally, let’s end with explaining the title of this piece.
There once used to be a show called Happy Days, and in one episode (in an attempt to retain viewer attention) the most popular character, the Fonz, jumped over a shark while waterskiing.
The term has now come to mean an event that marks a serious creative decline after which the popularity of a show, person or product begins to ebb.
We’ve all pretty much jumped the shark here; let’s just hope this doesn’t turn into a Jaws sequel.
The writer is a member of staff.
Twitter: @ZarrarKhuhro
Published in Dawn, September 8th, 2014
