The fear of the unknown in an alien land: DATELINE WASHINGTON
By Anwar Iqbal
IF YOU are born in a repressive society, your psyche embraces fear — that feeling of impending doom etched into your soul forever. It is there, lurking, even when it isn’t baring its mythic fangs, waiting to leap from its inner lair and overpower you at the slightest excuse.
It was there, with me, part of me back home, too.
And it rears its head to remind me every time I see something unusual. It was a normal day, cool and bright. I was travelling in a train in New York, again. It was packed. No one was looking at me and I felt safe in the anonymity of the crowd. But my freedom from fear was short-lived.
At one of the stations, I don’t know which, a burly Caucasian boarded the train. General George Patton’s philosophy glowered across his shirt — “The aim of the war is not to die for your country. It is to make the other ... die for his.” My fear and guilt rose in my throat.
Confused and scared, I took out my cell phone — the train had not entered the tunnel yet. I called Raz, a friend in Brooklyn who had been beaten outside a bar near his flat several days earlier. Raz, a born liberal, found it funny he should be beaten up for being a militant.
I remember that in the early 1980s, when both the Islamic and Christian worlds were busy fighting a holy war against the Soviet invaders in Afghanistan, a group of zealots in Islamabad had set fire to Raz’s motorcycle because he opposed the war.
He has changed since then. After the collapse of the Soviet Union, he lost the only ideology he believed in, socialism. He moved to America soon after the Russians smashed his dreams of an ideal communist society and settled in New York.
“It is a city I respect,” he says of New York. “It allowed me to be lost in its madness. It is so big and so crowded that you can live here without being discovered by friends and foes. You even stop looking for yourself. It is a good feeling.”
Even two broken teeth, a fractured arm and bruised nose did not reduce his affection for New York. He still loves this city. But the beating has had a strange impact on his relationship with his American girlfriend.
Before the brawl, he loved her as people love their girlfriends. His emotions have changed since the fight. He still loves her. But she is more like a shield he hides behind whenever he felt threatened.
“I feel protected,” he says. This new twist in his love bothers his girlfriend, who wants more than this display of childish affection.
Raz is a polite man and tries not to annoy others. But soon after Sept 11, he had a big fight with a priest who stopped him near his flat, asking him to increase his contacts with his fellow Muslims.
“Why should I do that,” he asked.
“We should stay together. There is protection in unity,” said the priest.
“Protection? What do you know about protection?” retorted Raz. “I have my girlfriend. She can protect me.”
This offended the priest, who spread the news that Raz was now an infidel and “every Muslim who still values his faith should stay away from him.” The edict pleased Raz.
When I told him about this man and his shirt, Raz got scared. “Get off the train, take a cab and come over to me,” he said.
Our conversation broke off when the train entered the tunnel before Manhattan. I looked around for some reassurance; a friendly smile, a known face, a little affection. I found nothing.
As soon as I got off the train, my phone rang. It was Raz. “What happened? Why did you switch off the phone?” he asked.
“Nothing, yaar (buddy), I got disconnected.” I said.
“OK. But keep it on. I will keep checking,” he said. And he did. Several times.
I was already feeling better. It is a pleasant walk from Grand Central Station to UN Plaza. You pass and meet people of every colour and creed. I have always enjoyed this walk. And now I like it even more. It makes me forget who I am.
This desire to assume a neutral identity that transcends all boundaries of colour, caste and religion is not new. I have yearned for a nameless and faceless identity for years. Even when I was living in my own country, I was an ethnic minority. Here, in New York, I am both an ethnic and religious minority. And this has increased my desire to acquire a new name tag that makes me part of the larger crowd by erasing all those features that distinguish me from others.
But at the same time, I want to retain what I brought with me from home. I not only want to retain it but also want to pass it on to my coming generations.
This is a strange dilemma that perhaps all minorities have to face. Whenever they feel the crush, they regret being different from others and when they are among their own, they want to preserve what makes them different.

