January 4, 2002	Friday	Shawwal 19, 1422

SAN DIEGO (USA):You do remember the Iran Hostess Crisis, don’t you? Or the Fall of the Berlin Wall? The Stoned Age? History professor Anders Henriksson’s students do. Or rather, this is their take on world events.

Henriksson is a history professor at Shepherd College, a university campus in West Virginia. He has been marking history papers for more than 25 years now, and culling their most memorable bloopers. Fellow academics from across the US and Canada sent him gems from their own students’ papers.

Last year, Henricksson compiled them into his book, ‘Non Campus Mentis: 569 Mangled Moments of Western Civilization from Today’s Brightest’ College Kids’.

There is ancient history: “Civilization woozed out of the Nile about 300,000 years ago. The Nile was a river that had some water in it. Every year it would flood and irritate the land.

This tended to make the people nervous.” “Rulers were entitled Faroes. A famed one was King Toot. It was a special custom among them not to marry their wives.”

“Members of the upper class were able to live posthumorusly through the art and facts buried with them.” “Helen of Troy launched a thousand ships with her face.” ”Another myth with a message was Jason’s hunt for the Golden Fleas.’ Religion has proved fertile ground for re-interpretation.

“Judyism was the first monolithic religion. It had one big God named Yahoo.” “Saint Teresa of Avila was a caramelized nun.” “Noah’s ark came to its end near Mt Arafat.”

“David was a fictional character in the Bible who fought with Gilgamesh while wearing a sling.” “He pleased the people and saved them from attacks by the Philippines.”

“Jesus came along. He taught that “the mice shall inherit the earth”. “Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door”. “He was followed by civil rights leader Martin Luther Junior who was assassinated in the 1960s after his famous “If I Had A Hammer” speech.”

“The British Empire: is in a state of recline”. World War One: “The British fought at Gallipoli with Aztec troops by their side”.

World War Two: “President Franklin Eleanor Roosevelt fought Hitler, a depressed Nazi leader of a Communist Germany”.

“Hitler enforced his anti-semantic prejudices through his Gespacho units”. “Stalin, Roosevelt, Churchill, and Truman were known as the Big Three”. “The English vanely hoped for peas”. “The allies hopes got a big boost, though, when they landed near Italy’s toe, and gradually advanced up her leg.” ”Hitler finally saw the right thing to do and shot himself in the bonker.”

Fast-forward to Our Time: “Chairman Moo has passed away.” ”The Canadian Missile Crisis shook us all up.” “We’re still watching daily clashes between Israelis and Parisians’ and the Gulf War started when ”Satan Husane invaided Kiwi and Sandy Arabia”.

“Kids come up with these mind-boggling takes on things they should know. More than once I’ve read in examination papers that the Boston Tea Party happened in Pearl Harbour.”

Take the science history scholar who wrote: “U Clid proved that there is more than one side to every plain. Pythagasaurus fathered the triangle. Archimedes made the first steamboat and power drill.”

Duplication can be a problem. “King Xerox of Persia invaded Greace, but fell off short at the battle of Thermosalami. Philip of Mastodon captured Greece and then was killed in a family sprawl.” ”Alexander the Great conquered Persia, Egypt, and Japan. Sadly, he died with no hairs’. —Dawn/The Observer News Service.