What makes for a good marriage? People have different ideas about what makes a relationship work. A marriage can never be a bed of roses, or a stroll in the park. It takes hard work and effort, commitment, love and respect for one another and most importantly, communication.
In his book 'Relationship Rescue', relationship guru, Dr Phil McGraw, points out, “Communicate. Make sure your sentences have verbs. Remember that only seven per cent of communication is verbal. Actions and non-verbal communication speak much louder.”
Communication is the key to a good marriage on every issue. Share your feelings with one another. Learn not to bottle things up and talk through the problem without it becoming an argument. Remember to deal with emotional chaos intelligently and try to maintain grace and dignity under pressure. Arguments are never resolved by raising your voice. “If I feel I'm going to lose my temper, I take time out to clear my head and then go back and put forward my point of view calmly,' says Saad who has been married for over a decade.
You don't have to agree with one another on every single issue. Accept one another for who you are. Remember that your partner is different from you and will always have a different personality, attitudes and values. Accept their shortcomings, don't get annoyed by little things and don't constantly try to change them. As Dr Phil puts it, “You don't fix things by fixing your partner.”
Communication is a two way street; talking and listening. One spouse shouldn't dominate the entire conversation.
When one speaks, it is essential for the other to listen actively. Openly discuss issues such as work, household expenditures and children. Know what to say, when to say it and how to say it. “My husband and I both work full time, “ says Ameera, “ But at the end of the day, even when we're exhausted, we will take time to discuss our children and work related issues; we opt to get our priorities sorted out, rather than not talking about them.”
Also remember that marriage is a mutual partnership. Treat your spouse the way you want to be treated. Co-creator of the 'Chicken Soup for the Soul' series, Jack Canfield, writes in his book, 'The Success Principles', “Focus and improve the behaviour of the other — by being a role model. Your spouse will naturally follow your example and will begin acting at a level that surprises both themselves and others.”
Friendship is a major accomplishment in a happy marriage. If each partner has a fondness for the other, and can become the other's best friend, it will lay the foundation for a long and happy union. “Friendship is at the core of our relationship, we're friends first and husband and wife second,” says Zehra. “I married someone who I enjoy talking and listening to. Being such good friends has helped us understand each other and made our marriage strong.”
Even during tough, stressful and frustrating times, a supportive spouse is more valuable than anything else; a motivating, encouraging and supportive other half who can make bad times easier to beat.
A good marriage is also one in which the couple spends quality time with one another. It's good to take time out from a monotonous, daily routine and have some 'alone time' with one another. Enjoying your time together is just one of the great things about being in a happy marriage. As Ahmer, a father of two young children says, “My spouse and I try to 'get away' once in a while. We leave the kids with their grandparents and go out and have dinner. It's always refreshing to spend such time together, giving each other our undivided attention.”
But sometimes you need your own breathing space. Learn to give space to one another. Understand that you both need a break to do your own thing. Don't expect your spouse to always be with you otherwise it can be suffocating at times.
Change is normal and a part of life .We all change constantly. The strongest marital relationship is the one that can accommodate and grow with change as the two individuals grow and mature. The couple have to find out how to adapt to the new rules of life. The birth of a child, for instance, will bring imbalance to a relationship, but a couple must realise that this is a normal transitional change.
A good and successful marriage is one where both individuals strive towards a fulfilling relationship. It doesn't just happen; you work at it all the time.
