I will always love Superman: he fights for peace, justice, and the American (err… Pakistani?) way. I think he embodies all that we wish for in today’s corruption- and violence-ridden world. He is that rare individual who is unflappably decent (severe lack of grey moral areas), courageous (well not really, given that next to nothing can hurt him), and unstoppably awesome (like an earthquake, tsunami, or other national disaster).

But given the wave of anti-Americanism sweeping Pakistan, I think it’s time we coined a realistic desi Superman. What would he be like? What qualities would he embody? What would he look like? And what would he spend his time doing?

For starters, he would not want to be called Superman – he’s a Pakistani, dammit! He would have the option of being Super seth or Super saeen, but would probably opt for Super Sahib.

Moreover, he would be fat. I'm sorry, but if you have the ability to fly or float, you’re not going to spend a lot of time running, working out, or even walking for that matter. And let’s get real – cardio burns fat; natural floating buoyancy doesn't.

Since Super Sahib would have a pot belly rivaling the entire consolidated Sharif clan, there is no way he would prance around in physique-hugging tights. Instead, the man would dress for comfort and rock out in a shalwar kameez – they are darn comfortable, after all.

Do you honestly think the most powerful being in this country would roam around in tights and wear his underwear on the outside? Let's get real. He doesn't need to prove anything or impress anyone! He's Super Sahib. Besides, his desi Super Mummy would cry a river if he dressed like the spokesperson for the Gay Pride Parade.

In the fine tradition of chairmen, politicians, and mill owners, Super Sahib would probably wear a plain white shalwar kameez in the finest available latha. But given his stature, he’d probably have at least a few sponsors – Pepsi, McDonalds, etc. And when the likes of Shahid Afridi come to whack him for siphoning off their sponsorships, he’ll simply fly away.

Super Sahib’s favorite pastimes would include chilling on his farm in Chak Shehzad on a La-Z-Boy with multiple cup-holders, drinking sweet lassi, and watching his crops grow while the damsel in distress he just saved cooks vats of biryani and nihari for him.

Super Sahib won’t disguise himself or pass as a lame, non-descript news reporter; he'd be Super Sahib all the time and occasionally work as a 'consultant', charging fees that would make even Pakistani politicians look reasonable. Forget the superpower – Super Sahib will give us hydro-electric projects, drone technology, and economic development in a matter of minutes.

In keeping with Pakistanis’ reputation for philanthropy, Super Sahib would be extremely charitable. In addition to attending all the charity balls, fund-raisers, fashion shows, and flower shows that he is invited to, Super Sahib will donate (read: sell) all his toenail clippings for cancer research. He will regularly show off his sensitive side by crying when Pakistan loses a cricket match, or when Sania Saeed or Nadia Jamil appear in a televised drama serial.

The fact is, we are a country that yearns for the help of supermen and their superpowers, because we refuse to do anything for ourselves. Our hearts, minds, and our history are filled with different supermen (the only problem is, we can’t seem to agree on who the real superman or superpower at any given time was). And so it is that we await, with bated breath, the coming of Super Sahib, who will (inshallah) fix all our nation’s problems.

(Photo illustration by Eefa Khalid)