Dear Problem Solver Auntie,

I am a 23-year-old boy with a well paid government job. Dear Auntie, I had an affair with my neighbour. She is a married woman with two children. Her husband lives abroad. She is the second wife of her husband. Her husband is an aged man. I used to go to her home in a very friendly mood and with the passage of time we fell in love. At the start she was extremely loving, caring and very attached to me. She often promised me that she will get divorce from her husband and marry me. I forgot everything after we fell in love.

However, soon I realised that she has a relationship with another boy. I asked her about that and though she initially denied, soon her behaviour with me became very strange. I felt as if she was trying to get rid of me.

One night I saw her opening the door silently for that boy. I was very angry. The next day, I met her face-to-face and asked about the boy. She admitted that she has an affair with that boy and said to me that she loves him very much. I was shattered but took in the information and to forget her I left my city and came to Lahore. But despite my best efforts I can’t forget that lady.

I am in very serious trouble, please guide me Auntie, so that I may again start my life with peace of mind and prepare myself for competitive exams.

Depressed and anguished boy

Dear In-Control,

So you’re obsessing over a married woman who is really, truly unavailable. Oh dear. The good news is that Auntie thinks that your inner radar has been guiding you in the right direction. You left for Lahore for the sake of your sanity and because you could. Now you can throw yourself into your studies to distract yourself, but I also suggest that you take this experience as a lesson and do some introspection.

Don’t be harsh on yourself, but instead of endlessly obsessing about her, think deeply about why this woman came into your life. Be totally honest with yourself when you think about what happened. Think about how you truly feel, rather than the way you are supposed to feel. Did this woman come into your life so that you could reassess the life choices that you were making? Did you fall for her, because she is unavailable? Does this mean that you are also unavailable and not ready for marriage or a relationship yet? If you are still obsessing about her, even though she was not just cheating on her husband but also on you, do you deep down feel that you are unworthy of finding a happy, monogamous and devoted relationship? And to explore this further, why is your self-esteem so low and why do you feel so undeserving? These questions may dig out some deep-seated beliefs and feelings, but it is an important part of the process of getting over this woman and to avoid making similar choices in the future.

Otherwise, you are on the right track. Continue to introspect, try to stay present and enjoy every moment of your life, go easy on yourself and hopefully, before you know it you will be over it.

Sweet Auntie,

I am a 33-year-old working woman who is smart and beautiful. I also don’t look my age. I come from a broken family and have fallen in love with a 33-year-old single musician man. We have been seeing each other for the past three years. All this time we have been meeting everyday in restaurants for dinner. He also invited me go for shopping on his money and also went for picnics outside with me. He asked me to marry and told me that he is alone. His parents are dead and he has four brothers who all live separately. I can’t invite them to the wedding because it is out of community and I am from another caste. I understood this problem and asked him to introduce me to his friends and co-workers. He stopped me from meeting them also. He says that he doesn’t like the fact that I have doubts regarding him. I fought with him and have been out of touch with him for the past two weeks now. He hasn’t called me. What should I do? Should I call him?

Hidden

Dear Watch out,

By finding about his family and friends you are trying to protect your future with this man and you have good reason to do so…he has asked you to marry him! So there is no doubt in this man’s or your mind that this relationship is serious. Maybe it is his family and friends that he is trying to hide from you. And excuses such as the wrong caste are just excuses, for if you are marrying this man then those same people will be related to you — you of the ‘wrong’ caste. Will you not meet them even then? And surely his colleagues and friends don’t have any issues with what caste he marries into.You have a right to be livid. Even if you decide to phone him, do not change your stance. It may not be you that he is trying to hide from his family and friends. Maybe your boyfriend fears that you may not think very highly of them or perhaps they might tell you something about him that he doesn’t want you to know.Whatever the case, you need to tell him that you will continue to love him no matter what his family is like. In case he still resists introducing you, you have to rethink this relationship.Yes you’ve got to trust whoever you are dating or engaged to, but it is infinitely more important that you be smart and watch out for yourself.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to

auntieagni@gmail.com