While many girls harbour a fairy- tale ideal of marriage, where the girl meets her prince charming, they marry each other and live happily ever after, the reality is far from different.
In present times finding a suitable match has become a tedious task especially for girls’ families. Shamaila Akhtar, a working woman, says that as soon as a girl reaches the age of 20 her mother starts worrying about her marriage for which she consults relatives, neighbours and even marriage bureaus. Sabiha Khatoon, a housewife and mother of two daughters, sharing her anxiety says, “In our society only a very young, highly educated and gorgeous girl is considered marriage material, and if she crosses the age of 25 or goes above 30 it becomes difficult for her to find a husband”.
The neighbourhood matchmakers of yesteryear have been replaced by marriage bureaus. But the working of these marriage bureaus is a debatable subject. Akhtar believes that these bureaus or professional matchmakers have increased the anxiety of the daughter’s mother. She says that they attract their customers through their charming conversation. “They have an album of potential grooms which is shown to the daughters’ mothers in order to get their commission. But interestingly, sometimes this album only has a few pictures which are shown to every candidate.” It is also one of the means to raise the client’s expectations and entice them to pay registration fee.
Khatoon says that during the past four years she has consulted many marriage bureaus for her daughter’s marriage but they have been of no use. “These bureaus take the registration fees but do not send the proposals and if they do it is not according to your requirements.” She further divulges that in every registration form, she specified the prospective groom to be well-qualified as her daughter is also highly qualified, but the proposals she has received are not even graduates which shows that these bureaus do not pay heed to the details given.
While Mumtaz Qureshi, working as a matchmaker for nearly 20 years, says that registration is not a guarantee of marriage; out of 100 around 20-25 people are successful. She agrees that there are some bad eggs in this profession but asserts that not everyone is the same.
On the other hand, Najma Hussain, a mother of four daughters, has had bitter experience at the hands of these matchmakers.
Citing her experience she believes that most of the bureaus are duped, adding that one of them took Rs4,000 but never called back. Hussain also indicates that most of the bureaus she contacted advertise in renowned newspapers; they just take registration fees and after that never call you back. The tricky part is that their membership lasts only three or four months and then you have to re-enlist yourself. Moreover, Khatoon also complains that these bureaus are not sincere, they do have proposals but they only send to those who can give hefty donation.
There is also a common worry that has taken daughters’ mothers by the storm, i.e. the irrational demands from the groom’s families who want the girl to be very beautiful, tall and not more than 25 years old. The drawing room culture has really victimised the girls and at times the process is so annoying that it leaves a bad scar on one’s mind. Asra Tariq, a business student, reveals that she has been rejected due to her dark complexion or at times her ‘being too thin’ becomes a hindrance.
These rejections irritate her mother a lot and in turn she too gets irritated.
Sabeen Jawed, a psychologist, says that depression in girls is due to the constant family pressure. Even if the girls receive counselling, it is of no use until the girls’ families support their daughters. Jawed believes that family counselling is important to tackle this situation, where family members should give strength to each other.
Moreover, Jawed says, “It is not easy to change the mindset of the society. There is a dichotomy — from childhood you are toldthat it is all God’s wish, so why need to fret on this matter.” Having said that, one should have strong belief that whatever God decides it is better for us, and instead of getting anxious, one needs to embrace the new avenues of life, states Jawed.