One may think that negotiation is a technique which only politicians or world leaders need. Agreed, that deciding where to go for a vacation in your winter break may not be as life-altering as signing a peace accord, yet, as a social animal, man needs to be tuned to certain mantras and develop certain skills which are sure to help him please himself and the people around him.
According to the book Getting to Yes, “Negotiation is a back and forth communication designed to reach an agreement when you and the other side have some common interests that are shared and others that are opposed.”
“I want a balance between being able to gratify myself and others.” Sounds familiar? This is ideally what every individual wants — not wanting to be a doormat and also wanting to make the people they love, happy. So is it possible to have a win-win equation?
After talking to a few people, here are a few general rules which, if followed, may result in a happier personal life, a healthier domestic front and a more contented you.
Know what you want
“I wanted to work after marriage,” says Zahra, “But I knew convincing my husband would be an uphill task.” Yet, Zahra was clear in her head and had done her homework about what her husband needed. “He wanted me to be home when he left and when he returned; he wanted a spotless house and a fresh-as-a-daisy wife and I promised him he would get it all.” Zahra tackled the important talk with her husband over a candlelight dinner and presented her needs in a soft, pleading voice. “He agreed to give me a one-month period to prove if I could manage and I compromised by agreeing to work part-time.” According to Zahra one must be flexible and ready to give and take.
Always look at yourself and the situation first
It is the easiest thing in the world to blame others for your troubles. But most strained relations occur with both parties contributing to the problem. “I always thought my troubles were due to the hot-headedness of my husband,” says 35-year-old Farha. “But it was my daughter who once told me softly, ‘Mom, why do you answer back when Abba is upset?’” Farha said her little girl’s question made her realise that she was simply aggravating the situation. The lesson Farha learnt was: never indulge in a battle of words with anyone who is hungry or tired. “This is so basic, but many of us forget,” she says.
Read the other person
Be attentive to the people around you and keep your eyes open for clues which help you discern the other person’s reaction. Initially Naheed had a hard time dealing with her mother-in-law. “Even simple things like what to cook for dinner would turn into a battle of egos. But I realised I needed to get along with her if I was to preserve my sanity.” Naheed began to look out for things which made her mother-in-law happy. “She liked to be asked permission — I realised I could cook what I wanted, deal with the maids any way I desired as long as I asked her permission. I was willing to pay that lip service.”
Listening works
Sometimes, we are so adamant about what we want that we refuse to listen to and understand the other person’s point of view. “I couldn’t understand why my father didn’t want me to go to university,” says Ambreen. “All discussions would always end up in a heated argument.” It was only when he explained his fears about his daughter going to another city to study that she realised his apprehensions. “Once I understood where he was coming from, I was able to convince him nothing would happen. I promised to call him thrice a day and stay with our relatives rather than at the hostel,” finishes Ambreen. “I stopped resenting his possessiveness.”
Ask nicely
“Politeness is to human nature, what warmth is to wax.” The universal rule to any kind of social interaction is to be polite. All will be lost once you start screaming or throwing a tantrum. The other party will also end up losing their cool and this will just exacerbate the situation. Whatever has to be said should be said respectfully and in a courteous manner, without being patronising.
When faced with a person who starts hollering, the best thing is to walk away but not in a huff. “Leave with a sentence like ‘Let’s talk about this some other time,’” suggests Jumana, a psychology graduate.
Give in at times
In your domestic life, it is not possible that every decision is taken mutually. When you live with a person, may it be your sibling, parent or spouse, sometimes you have to give in. This leaves room for you to be listened to the next time.
“I knew I had to let my son go for a trip with his friends this year — I didn’t approve of a 15-year-old travelling alone but he had been asking me for three years,” says Saifee. “I had to send him a sign which said that I trusted him. When I gave him permission to go, he was elated and I noticed that he was also willing to go along with a lot of things I wanted.”
The world would be a more peaceful place if we just learnt to give and take — and ideally give more and take less. Because, all said and done, in personal relationships you cannot bargain endlessly — there is always the fear of winning an argument but losing the person you love. So hold on tight to the people you love and you are sure to win-win.