As salamo alikum Auntie,

I want you to solve a problem that is really bothering me these days. I do not want to be like my father and I try so hard not to be like him. But when I analyse myself, I find myself eating like him, talking like him, entertaining people in his style, and of course I have his looks. Let’s not get into why I do not want to be like him, but yes I do not want to end up like him. I have became a ‘shaki banda’ (jealous guy) as he was with all the girls in the universe. His immediate family, or what is left of it, only meets him to exploit him for his money and few have any genuine feelings for him. I want to end up happy with kids and wife and a happy home, but what track am I following? I do not think I am heading anywhere different.

Puzzled

Dear Yourself,

There is a slight issue with your premise. Your goal is to not be like your father. Unfortunately that only brings a picture of your father to your mind, and you will find that you continue to struggle with seeing your father’s negative qualities crop up within you. Also there are certain things you cannot avoid, such as looking like your father. That’s your genetic makeup and you really ought to just accept that with grace.

But you are not alone. A lot of people struggle with the feeling that they don’t want to be like their father / mother.’ It is worth sitting down and thinking a little about how you want to be. Do some serious and continuous self analysis. Yes it’s a lifelong process. Why are you suspicious of women, like your father used to be? If you haven’t had any personal bad experiences with a woman, you will need to catch yourself every time you find jealousy cropping its ugly head and rationalise that that is your father’s reaction, but your experience is different. Also shunning every aspect of the way your father is or was, is also rather extreme behaviour. There must be something admirable about him, such as a kind heart or perhaps he was a self-made man. Recognising your father’s positive traits will go a long way in helping you make peace with yourself.

But the most effective way to deal with this is to find someone else whom you want to be like. And replace the image of your father with one of the kind of man you want to be. It should be someone who is relatively carefree when it comes to women in his life, who is happily married and whom you admire. If you know someone like that, try to incorporate aspects of their personality. At the same time please understand that everyone is human and fallible, so avoid putting any role model on a pedestal.

Aloha Khala,

I want your advice on some serious issues but I will confide all that to you only if you make sure that you won’t reveal my identity, please!

Demo-phobic

Dear Guarded,

In all the years that Auntie has been bestowing her pearls of wisdom on you, she has never ever revealed anyone’s identity including her own. You can sleep easy, dear.

Greetings Auntie,

I am your regular reader and admirer (I’m the same person who wondered whether certain friendships were worth saving. Things are better for me now, especially since I’ve moved beyond confidentiality).

The reason I’m writing to you now is not any problem I’m facing, but to share my thoughts and perceptions about some advice you gave a reader on November 11, 2012. Since I feel you are a reasonable and understanding person, I hope you will not feel offended and will listen objectively to what I have to say, as you are responsible to a degree for the well-being of the people who write to you.

I disagreed with some of the advice you gave the woman who confronted her ex with regard to cheating and then broke up with him. Yes, Auntie, you are right — she is getting into the whys and wherefores, and sometimes over-analysis too can be damaging. However, I felt that discouraging her from asking these questions (of herself and others) could be counterproductive, especially if she is seeking closure. This introspection seems important to her. Perhaps some other technique or mechanism could be suggested, to help her reach some kind of conclusion or resolution.

Also, you mentioned that she should “Give him full marks for his honesty and bluntness and move on”. This comes across as a mixed message! Your earlier surmise was that he doesn’t care about their relationship. Auntie, this man is neither honest nor blunt. If anything, he should be called on for his callous behaviour, rather than rewarded with “full marks” for “honesty”. He may define cheating differently, but he still kept things from this woman which are a given in a relationship that they ought to be shared. Far from being honest and blunt, when confronted, he showed blatant disrespect for her feelings and disregard for their relationship and then showed affront. Honesty calls for respecting the feelings of the person you’re in a relationship with, not withholding information and then showing audacity.

A reader n

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to auntieagni@gmail.com