Hi Auntie,

I had been in a relationship with my ex for seven years. Things were very passionate in the first year. After two years, he cheated on me with a girl who is his co-worker. When I found out, I confronted him and as usual he didn’t accept it. On constant questioning, he left me and apparently started seeing that girl. A year ago, his father expired and he contacted me and cried his heart out that he is madly in love with me and he did cheat on me. I forgave him and took him back. Recently I found out that he is in touch with the same girl, constantly talking to her on the phone, thousands of text messages, meetings at his house and outside and all of this without my knowledge. I call this cheating. And when I confronted him this time, he said this is not cheating. When I asked him why he didn’t inform me even if he is meeting and talking to her, he said he doesn’t need to inform me about each and everything.

I left him and I have no intention of going back or taking him back. The thing that bothers me is that why did he do this? Why don’t people admit such obvious cheating stunts? Yes, I have been madly in love with him but obviously will not stand cheating. Why didn’t he respect my love for him?

Questioning Qurat

Dear Relieved,

Why do you want to get into his reasons for cheating? Or whether he made the first move on the girl or she did? What he was thinking when he met her? Why get into the whys and the wherefores? The fact is that he did and the reasons (or rather lack of) are not convincing you.

If he didn’t feel the need to inform you about his contact with the girl then essentially he isn’t even bothering giving you an explanation for his actions. Surely, he didn’t just forget that he was seeing you and that you were in love with him. And so actually he doesn’t care enough to even pretend to save the relationship. It hurts but that is the truth; so step back and stop caring so much. Give him full marks for his honesty and bluntness and move on. It’ll take time, but you will get over this bad love.

Hello Khala Jee,

Can you suggest something for my complicated problem? I have been married or 18 years. It was an arranged marriage. My late mother-in-law was a very strict person.She was very possessive of her son. My husband did not consummate the marriage for several months. We did not go on our honeymoon. My husband wanted me to give company to his mother as he was the only son. His two sisters being married, it was my duty to be a companion to his mother who had led a very colourful and full life. I wanted to have a child desperately but my husband did not want to have one. After three years of my marriage I conceived. My mother-in-law raised havoc. She cried and cried and kept on saying, ‘Yeh kaisay ho gaya’. The child was born in the eighth month. Due to Allah’s blessings and my parent’s duas, me and my baby survived. For 11 years my husband has had no physical relation with me of any sort. He never touches me not even in a friendly way. My father-in-law is living with us.

My husband is the best boss, best father, best son, best brother and best friend... but he does not have a relationship with me. If I am in a room, he walks out; if I try to sit with him he simply leaves the place. He rarely talks to me and if he does it is all about how I should keep his family happy or if he needs anything like food or ironed clothes. I am a highly educated woman...with top class academic record. He was against my job. I left it. He did not approve of my relatives and friends, I left them. I was scared for my son and wanted to give him a secure home. I belong to a very conservative family... I kept on compromising in the hope that one day everything will be fine. He never speaks to my parents, never visits them if they are ill and finds faults with my siblings. The only thing that has changed is that his father has cancer and for the past three years he has been sleeping in his room and takes care of him. He refuses to hire help for him. My sister-in-laws keep telling me that neither my husband nor they are happy with me.

I am now fed up of this life, of being treated as a carpet and a maid. I am so miserable that I just want to die. He has never complimented me and never said a nice word to me. I have talked with him but he just dismisses me and has blatantly told me that he is not interested in me. I seriously want to leave everything and run away but what will happen to my son?

P.S. You are my only hope, I can’t go to a psychiatrist or a psychologist because I am a clinical psychologist myself and everyone in the field knows me. I can’t wash my dirty linen publicly. Please help me.

Fed up

Dear Woman,

Eighteen of the best years of your life…no matter what anyone says, your letter is an example of why sometimes patience is not a virtue. Quite the opposite. Do you realise that you get only one life? And have you thought about what your child is learning about relationships living with both his parents who live separate lives? Did you ever want anything from life? Did you ever have any hopes? Because it’s only when you dream that life happens. Otherwise it just passes you by. But all is not lost. You can articulate the problem, which means you are still someone who can think, feel and want more.

You became whoever your husband or mother-in-law wanted you to be and that didn’t work. You essentially sent out the message to your husband and mother-in-law to continue to degrade you and look where you have ended: without love, sans respect and no life.

Now is the time to take things in your own hand. Don’t die please, but do consider getting on with your life. Sit down and think seriously about what you want to do. You can linger on in this marriage, but also work on finding a direction, learning to stand up for yourself (start with getting a job and meeting your relatives) and saying no when things go against your natural inclination. Give yourself priority for once, even if it means a serious confrontation with your husband (it’s about time) and start living your life. Or if you are feeling brave enough — and many women do — you can leave this humiliating relationship and really, really live your life. Remember, children are resilient and deeply perceptive and such a bad marriage is hardly conducive to a child’s health.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query.Please send concise queries to auntieagni@gmail.com