Dear Bari Bua, I am a 25-year-old girl. I recently broke up with someone whom I had made the centre of my universe. To get rid of me, he abused me and I didn’t say anything in return. I just stopped contacting him. Now the feeling of being dumped and abused is killing me from inside. What should I do to overcome this feeling? Should I abuse him back the way he did? Lost

Dear Found, Let’s reframe. Why can’t you think: ‘His loss’? He lost a great girlfriend in you and his life is poorer for it.

Yes you have every right to be upset and angry, but look around you and you will see that outright revenge is seldom a solution. You cannot right a wrong done, by doing yet another wrong. Your toxic ex has moved on and the most you should do is some soul searching on why you were attracted to the proverbial ‘bad boy’. (Usually related to very deep-seated self esteem issues). In fact, read up on it to try to understand why many women are attracted to abusive men that they know are bad for them. But apart from that, this relationship is really not worth any of your precious energy anymore. It’s over. Learn from it and move on. Rebuild your life and focus on living well. That is indeed the best revenge.

If it’s any consolation, life experience has taught Auntie that there is such a thing as natural justice. Be patient and it will usually take care of things. Chin up.

Dear Sweetie Auntie, I am friends with a woman whose daughter is in the same class as my daughter. We became very good friends as we had a lot in common, our children grew together and our friendship goes back many years. We were very close and her daughter used to come to my house a lot.

These days though, I feel that there are things she doesn’t tell me. Her children are falling ill a lot and also getting hurt a lot. When I ask her about these things, she gets angry at me and sometimes yells at me about them. I strongly feel that something strange is going on in her house. My daughter tells me that her daughter is becoming a bully in school. If I mention anything to my friend, even lightly, she gets very angry and sometimes doesn’t talk to me for many days.

I know that she screams a lot at her children and even hits them. In between I know that she and her husband were having problems and she moved into her mother’s house for a little while. But then she moved back. Sometimes when I have called her, I have heard her husband scream crazily at the children.

I am worried for her and her family. She is a close friend who I am losing. Sometime she even avoids me when she sees me in school and her daughter continues to be a bully, even hitting some of the children sometimes. What should I do? Scared for them

Dear Look Elsewhere, You have to let this one go. She may have considered you a friend, but now she sees you as a nosy busybody. At the end of the day what she is doing with her children is her business and practically no one can get involved in the business of her house and family.

What do you assume will happen if you inform someone in your friend’s family about the abuse going on there? Or even if you contact anyone else who you think can help, such as a shrink, a neighbour or even (if you are delusional in your optimism) the police. Do you honestly believe that someone who clearly doesn’t want to be helped will listen to any advice? Do you honestly believe any of the above will get involved without the said party showing any interest in sorting their problem? Do you honestly see your friend or her kids being happy about your interference?

Stop taking a daily report on this family from your children (unless, of course, your child becomes the target of the bullying) and busy yourself with something, anything, else. Stay a mile away. And advise your children to do the same.

Dear Auntie, In response to the case of “In a mess”, I wanted to share my own experience which was just too similar to hers and which might help others. I am 26 years old and four years ago I loved someone madly. He was doing his CA and got married to a completely illiterate woman (his first cousin), because of what he called family pressure. He made great promises to me that he would marry me later. I had written a letter to you at that time and you had told me to move on. It was a very emotional decision for me, as he meant the world to me, but in my heart I knew that he didn’t feel so deeply for me. Had he truly loved me, he would have run away with me and not married his cousin. A man who truly loved me wouldn’t be living with another woman. My brother also convinced me that I needed a more honest man in my life that I must move on.

Initially I stayed in touch with him after his marriage, but I knew that to truly move on I had to stop all sort of contact with him. I started by blocking him on MSN, then I deleted him from Facebook and deleted everything which would remind me of him...pics and all. I got myself a new job, got busy with studies and completely stopped responding to his sms and calls. After a while I changed my cell number.

With time I discovered many new interesting men. I discovered myself...my true worth... made many friends and had lots of fun.

Although I am still single, I am happy and proud of myself. He contacted me a few weeks ago on Facebook and I gave him the response that he deserved — I blocked him.

Also I feel that it’s not his wife’s fault. Why should she suffer? I have always believed that women who build homes at the cost of the happiness of other women, never find peace. I would like to thank you Auntie for your guidance at the time.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to auntieagni@gmail.com