Dear Auntie,

I am a 20-year-old boy. My family lives in a joint family system with my uncle’s family (father’s brother) and my grandparents. Recently my parents have started to fight over some issue related to housework. My aunt creates a fuss over that and never helps out with the housework, whether it is sending the maid down to help my grandmother, or dropping my grandfather to the office, or any other kind of work. My dad has threatened to slap my mom and even divorce her if she complains about this. This is not the first instance of such a fight. In the past four years there have been a lot of fights and all of them over my mother claiming that since we are living in a joint family, both of our families should be treated equally. She also said that my dad has never supported her in anything, that if she says anything to my grandmother, my dad hits her or severely scolds her saying that she is misbehaving.

My father and my uncle work together in their own business. My father started the business (my uncle joined later when he was not able to get a job elsewhere ) but he says that he and his brother are equal partners. Since my family is bigger than my uncle’s (more mouths to feed and the children are also older), my father withdraws more money.

According to my dad, because he withdraws more money therefore he does not say anything to my aunt when she misbehaves with my grandmother or does not help in the housework.

I know what some might say; that I am a guy and parents will always argue or fight and how I should focus on my studies, and that my parents will soon make up. Well, the thing is that a few years ago my parents might have broken up (over the issues I have stated above) had I not stepped in and sorted out the problems and brought temporary relief. Both my parents made a few promises that time, but as time passed they seemed to forget those and all those issues came back up.

So please tell me what is right and wrong and what should I do now?

Extremely depressed child

Dear Child,

Every time the fighting erupts, Auntie recommends you leave the room and stay well out of it. Your parents’ marriage problems are not your responsibility. I know it feels like a burden on your shoulders, but it is still not your job to fix their issues. Even though, when things are quieter, you can go have a little talk with your parents about how much the fighting is bothering you. Don’t try to sort things though. Simply tell them not to fight while you are around.

While all families fight, it is never okay to treat anyone with disrespect or yell or scream. And it is absolutely never okay to hit or shove anyone. Your parents need to control their anger and they need the help of some other adult apart from you to do this. Talk to a relative who lives outside of your joint family and who will be able to see the problem objectively.

You can also contact a counsellor or a therapist and convince your parents to see one. A counsellor can help your parents learn to listen to each other and communicate without screaming, yelling or hitting. As for you, just channel the negative energy you pick up, elsewhere. So if you need to scream, do so in a towel or a pillow, or just do something creative such as painting or writing when the going gets tough.

Dear Sis,

My brother who is 40 is leaving his wife and three children for another woman that he says he loves. The other woman is also leaving her husband. My brother’s wife is very upset and wants reconciliation even after finding out about the other woman. She is asking him not to divorce her and even to marry the other woman also, but that woman is not agreeing and is insisting that he leave his wife.

We are all shocked. I am convinced that this is a phase my brother is going through, but my brother is too fixated on the other woman.

His three children are very young and he says that he will take care of them financially. He says that he got married at a young age to someone he didn’t love. That he was forced to marry her and now he has met someone he truly loves. He says his life is only just starting and that this is true love. He refuses to listen to any sense and we are all very worried about what is happening. I really like my sister-in-law and hate what is happening to her and her children. I want my brother to go to a psychiatrist for help, but he won’t. What can I do to stop this?

Troubled

Dear Sister,

Back off please! No matter how much you think this is the decision of a madman, your brother at the end of the day is an adult who feels he has just woken up to the joys of what he believes is true love. Why can’t you just accept that? Why can you not accept that he was married against his will at a young age when he barely knew who he was. It happens all the time, to a lot of us. And many of us go through life denying it.

Your brother has realised something about his life and is taking a decision. There is nothing you can do about it no matter how unfair it may seem to you. Sending him to a psychiatrist would have helped if your brother had thought he had a problem. The problem is that he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with him. In fact, he probably feels that everything is finally going right for him. He doesn’t want your or the psychiatrist’s opinion.

Your job is to understand that right or wrong, your brother — an adult — has taken a decision. And through it all he remains your brother, so that’s that really.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to auntieagni@gmail.com