Salam Auntiejee

I am a 25-year-old girl. I have graduated from a renowned university in a professional field. Since I was a child my parents kept reminding me that education is the key to success and that I should only focus on my education to become a good person who positively contributes to society. Now that I have acquired a good education and consequently a respectable job, this society regards me a highly unsuccessful person just because I did not get any good marriage proposals. All cousins of my age are married and when they were busy searching for their spouses I was busy in my studies. That made me the first girl in my family to have completed a five-year degree programme and also the first unmarried girl of this age.

I was not worried about their comments until my parents started taking stress about my marriage. Though, they have been very supportive and encouraged me for further studies, I observed that sometimes they feel guilty about not getting me married when I was around 20, like my other cousins. I comfort them by saying that I have no interest in getting married and I have a bright career to look forward to. My parents are very isolated type of people. We don’t attend too many social gatherings. I hardly know any boys and I don’t think that I will be able to find my partner by myself. How should I comfort my restless parents? I feel pity for them. They have brought me up with good principles, but instead of gaining appreciation, they are gaining humiliation.

Isolated

Dear Daughter,

Your parents are not being humiliated. At 25 you may be the oldest girl in your family to still be single but if you look beyond your family you will find many girls of this age and older who are single. So it is really not the end of the world.

As for parents … oh dear I wish I could describe to you what it is like to be a parent. Parents will worry about you whether you are married or not. Worrying is part of the parenting package and whenever you have children, you will know. You can reassure your parents that it is not anyone’s fault that you are single, but I doubt you can convince them not to worry. They brought you into this world and taught you pretty much everything as a child and you are precious to them. Is it any surprise that they want to protect you from any crazy remarks or judgments from the outside world?

As for yourself you might want to ponder whether your khala — whose five daughters got married in their teens — is worry-free. Really think about this. Once the marriage pressure is off, the baby pressure starts, and once that is off the pressure for the right school/right job/good money/ great vacation/ Joneses, etc. starts. You can take the pressure or you can enjoy your life in the moment. Auntie suggests that you get out and do the latter.

And in the meantime hug your parents and know that que sera sera.

Dear Auntie,

I am a 33-year-old single and working female. I am ambitious to succeed in my career and my family supports this view. The problem is one of my uncles who doesn’t want me to work outside home. The logic he gives is based on ‘his’ religious values. I was so upset that I told my boss and he said that it’s my life so I should be deciding what I want to do.

My uncle and some others with him have always had a chauvinistic approach and now because of this I am not on talking terms with him. It’s causing a lot of strain on me and sometimes I have even thought of quitting my career as he is very determined and persistent for years.

Working outside

Dear Keep working,

Listen to your boss. He knows what he is saying. (And that’s why he’s the boss).

You know that your uncle is chauvinistic. You say as much. Why then do you let his views affect your career? If your immediate family is supportive of your decision to work, there is no reason to worry about his point of view. Such problems usually stem from the fact that people who are judgmental and have rigid views about things speak with such authority that others tend to feed cowed.

The key is to realise that your uncle is not ‘right.’ All he is doing is loudly proclaiming a close-minded point of view. Only when you realise this will you feel more confident about what you are doing. Unfortunately, the rest of your family doesn’t have the confidence to confront and question your uncle about his intimidating views.

In any case you are 33 and perfectly capable of taking your own decisions. You have done that so far and you have a career to show for it.