Dear Auntie, My wife and I are both earning a fair amount of money from our respective jobs. As we live in a joint family, I have to take care of my younger brothers and parents with my pay while my wife has all her pay to spend on herself. So she spends her money on shopping and other fun activities while I have to keep a tight check on my expenses to meet the domestic outflow. I am gradually resenting this discomfort and developing a kind of hatred towards her. I don’t ask her to contribute due to male ego, etc. She also sometimes accuses me that I am not fulfilling my responsibility towards her as I am not spending enough to cover her needs.

What should I do?

Disturbed

Dear Husband,

Hatred is too strong a word to use for your wife. Please refrain from expressing yourself in writing and verbally when you are angry. The problem seems to be that you don’t see your wife and yourself as being on the same team. You are married. You are not competitors and you need to make your peace with the situation.

In the meantime keep watching how you feel about money, about the male ego and about gender. You may find you have quite a lot of feelings to work through in all these areas.

At the same time avoid turning money into the focus of your relationship. Your marriage should be based on mutual love and respect and bear that in mind anytime you feel you are losing control of your emotions.

You should also talk to your wife about how you feel. Tell her you feel restrained by your responsibilities and wish you could have more fun with your money. Try not to grudge her the fun she seems to be having. At the same time talk to her and tell her how you feel. Both of you should make attempts to reduce the conflict and jealousy and work on handling matters that affect your marriage jointly.

Keep your ego in check and remind yourself that her income is helping both of you lead a comfortable life. She may not be contributing to the household expenditure, but she is taking care of her own needs to a large extent. See your two incomes as a blessing and encourage your wife to do the same. Meanwhile keep looking for ways to increase your income.  

Dear Khala,

I am a high school student and I really like a girl who studies with me. I have thought about telling her but the fear of her telling her parents forbids me to do so. I even got her number but still I can’t text as I fear she might tell. I have taken advice from many friends but am still confused. What to do?

Boy

Dear Texter,

Do you know her parents? Do you know how her parents will react? Do you have to start a conversation with a future relationship in mind? How do you know you like her, when you haven’t really spoken to her?

Becoming friends with someone or starting a relationship with them should not mean you become manipulative and plan a strategy. It is not about playing mind games. If you like her and want to talk to her, just act on it and text her.Auntie would suggest you become friends with her first. Not everyone who looks good has a personality to match with it.  

Dear Auntie,

I am a 28-year-old boy. My parents divorced when I was nine and I lived with my mother. Now that I am older I do not like to tell people that my parents are divorced. I avoid talking about family because I do not want people to judge my parents or feel sorry for me. I have a good job and my brother and I are doing pretty well in life. I just wonder what to do when people talk about their parents.

Uncomfortable

Dear Man,

It is important for you to be comfortable talking about your life and childhood to people. It will help you manage your relationships better when you don’t feel like you have something to hide.

You aren’t the only person in the world with an unconventional family. A lot of families have challenges and conflicts they deal with. Many have been scarred by family and you need to realise this to gain some perspective.

Think about the good times you had while you grew up. There must be some memories you would like to share with others when people begin to reminisce. You don’t have to tell everyone about your parents. At the same time don’t lie. Just figure out a way to talk about your parents that you are comfortable with.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, January 1st, 2017