The first thing that strikes a Lahori returning home after a long spell is the dust and petrol-laden air. Then an airport porter in broken English, presuming I was a foreigner, tries to swank a thousand from me, only to receive in return a beauty of a Bhati Gate sentence. Great to be back.

In England a few ‘eating out’ columns in ‘The Guardian’ found an amazing readership. But then Lahore is Lahore, and the food is magnificent. In my absence a certain Ms. Ayesha has done a splendid job of making people more aware of kitchen cleanliness. Gosh I have seen quite a few with rats too tired to be scared of the staff.

That said my first visit was to try out Pakistani Chinese food. In England and European countries it is so different. But our version beats them all. ‘Chanees’ as it is locally named. So here we go again.

My brother-in-law Asif and family, with the irrepressible nephew Mustafa and wife, were hosts at Yum in Gulberg, just near the Mini Market. The ambience has improved since last time I went to this place. The waiters also seemed cleaner, or was it an illusion being the first to arrive there. Everyone settled down. Now Asif has his set order, it never changes, that being Hot and Sour Soup followed by Sweet and Sour Chicken served with Vegetable Rice. The younger ones managed with the same soup but ordered their own Chicken Chowmein. It is their revolution in a way.

The soup was fine and came in one large bowl for everyone. The taste was just right and much appreciated. Then came the main dishes. As Yum serves only a big dish even if you are alone, this is a rip-off. The ‘take home’ portion should be replaced by half-a-dish so that two or three persons can manage. The same was the case with the chowmein. But the rice was just about fine and the sweet and sour chicken was also above average. The chicken chowmein was tasty, or was I very hungry and keen, but the smells were just about right. A delightful experience. The best part was the company.

Let me grade this on the Michelin Scale of one to nine for all the attributes that apply, and then average them to get to one ‘Average Eating Out Experience’. The trick of discovering a reliable place is to see if they can replicate the experience average. So here we go. For food taste it gets six out of nine, for food quality a seven would be just about right, for variety of choice seven, for cleanliness seven, for human service six (they need to improve), for quality of crockery and cutlery seven is a liberal marking, for ambience of the place a seven is well-deserved. This averages out to 6.8 out of nine, which is just about good for a place like Yum. Recommended, even though there is a rumour that the chef is very good when his mood is good. Hope he does well in a bad mood.

After Yum another nephew, Bairam the Banker, wanted to take me out to another Chinese experience. He had just returned from a place called X2 near Husain Chowk in Gulberg after a buffet and was all praise for the place. He was going on and on about the sesame fish. Let’s hope he sticks to his invitation.

CLUB SANDWICH: For seven long months I have been without a club sandwich. Worse things can happen to a man. Readers should know that in 1857 when the Lahore Train of soldiers set off to take Delhi, they were stationed in the Lawrence Gardens of today, always known as Company Bagh because of that event. It was here that in three thick slices a thick piece of beef and a thick slice of cheese made up the calories needed. It has never looked back that delicious sandwich.

So I rushed to try one in the main DHA market on Wednesday. This eatery called ‘Hot and Spicy’ has waiters by the dozen prowling the place. One got hold of me and a Club Sandwich was ordered. I told him how I wanted it in some detail and he gave me a strange look. My tasty language made him smile and the result was a nice crispy Club Sandwich sitting in my car. Cost Rs210. Steep by my books for such a place, but then things are crazy in the food business.

The toast was nice and crisp, the inner had boiled eggs, a rather thin slice of cheese and chicken plucked till kingdom come, with a lot of lettuce. The chips, called French Fries (!) were thin and very industrial. But all said I enjoyed it. From a nearby fruit juice shop with a slang name Jadee for Javed, a pomegranate juice was priced at Rs450 for a small glass. Forget it, I will have water. A small bottle cost Rs35. Gosh. “Get me tap water and keep the water cost as a tip.” The waiter was all smiles.

Published in Dawn, January 25th, 2016