Progress must be applauded.

One military government, that of General Ayub Khan, encouraged by super-bureaucrat Altaf Gauhar (who sadly died last week - may his soul rest in peace) promulgated the draconian black press laws.

Another military government, that of General Pervez Musharraf, has decided to allow the press to print whatever it may choose to print. It has been left to the genius of the people of Pakistan to interpret in their own way what the learned have written and what the editors-in-chief many of whom are proprietor-editors, have deemed suitable and appropriate to print and publish.

Reproduced hereunder is a collection of what is known in local parlance as 'nuggets' culled from the national press.

Courtesy The Nation, November 15, 'Readers Column', letter from Sajjad Khawaja of Lahore:

"A photo published in national English dailies on November 12 depicts the Governor Punjab shaking hands with a foreign lady with her husband looking on. It is un-Islamic to shake hands with women. I request the CE to take due action against the Governor."

Courtesy The Friday Times, November 3, 'Nuggets from the Urdu Press':

"According to 'Khabrain', the prostitutes of Malaysia have started bathing in Coca-Cola because they have solid proof that it prevents AIDS. The paper reports that before they have sex with their clients, Malaysian prostitutes wash themselves with Coca-Cola because they think the bubbles in the drink prevents AIDS."

"According to 'Pakistan', transvestites in Hyderabad were attacked by traffic policemen who tried to sexually molest them. This happened at the annual urs of a local saint. The transvestites were attacked by drunk officers and were beaten in turn. The transvestites ripped off the policemen's clothes and then beat them. They also rained sandals on the policemen. The local people saved the naked traffic policemen."

"It is reported in 'Khabrain' that a race took place in Sikhpur between a donkey and a horse. The donkey won the three kilometer race and was garlanded with rupee banknotes. The owner of the donkey was carried triumphantly to Sikhpur accompanied by beating drums while the owner of the horse that lost the race could not bear the sorrow and lost consciousness. The following day he died. People offered up to Rs.5 lakhs for the donkey but his owner refused to sell him."

TFT 'Nuggets', November 10:

"According to 'Jang', the wealth of Benazir Bhutto and Nawaz Sharif cannot be calculated by ordinary calculators, and advanced scientific calculators have to be used to do a mathematical tally of their money. This was stated by Mohammad Ali Durrani, Chief Organizer of the Millat Party. Durrani said that the party had to buy special advanced calculators to add up BB's and NS's assets in order to prepare a white paper on their corruption."

"According to 'Aussaf', a man in Chiniot visited a poor family and told them that he had found employment for their ten-year old son. He took the boy and handed him over to a maulvi and then disappeared. The maulvi immediately sodomized the boy, and when the child screamed people from the neighbourhood broke into the maulvi's place. They freed the boy and he ran away crying. But the maulvi waylaid the boy on the way home and kidnapped him. The police were informed, they mounted a search party, and recovered the boy."

"According to 'Khabrain', Mulazim Abbas, an attendant at a tyre shop on Circular Road, Lahore, had a fight with 18-year old Ishfaq. He felled Ishfaq to the ground and forcibly pumped air into his stomach through his rectum. He then ran away. Ishfaq was rushed to Mayo Hospital where his stomach was deflated."

TFT 'Nuggets', November 17:

"According to 'Jang', Pir Pagaro, head of the Muslim League (Functional) is reported to have said that he would never again 'lend' a prime minister to the government of Pakistan because 'his' PMs get nationalized and taken over. He added that those who have the name of God on their lips carry the Quran in one hand and a Kalashnikov in the other. It is they who bring a bad name to religion. He said his understanding with Nawabzada Nasrullah is limited to gupshup and the dining table."

"According to 'Pakistan', a cow gave birth to a calf and a python simultaneously in village Kaleki. Apparently, a baby snake entered the cow's womb at the very moment that she was fertilized by an ox. The snake grew along with the cow's embryo and when it was full term the cow gave birth to a calf along with a fully-grown python."

Courtesy 'Qaumi Akhbar', November 13, and Editor Ilyas Shakir, elected Honorary Secretary of the Council of Pakistan Newspaper Editors :

Headlines - "For taking revenge, Cowasjee has influenced decision to demolish Mosque Aisha. Voice was raised about liquor stores of his relatives, therefore he used his influence. Cowasjee had put pressure on Mohtasib to order mosque demolition, which shall be resisted. Mohtasib Sindh issues directives on behalf of Cowasjee and Mehromal Jagwani. Some weeks back I spoke against Cowasjee at which he has flared up : Moulana Rashid Ansari. Under any circumstances, Khatm-i-Nabuwat conference shall be held in Mosque Aisha, North Karachi, today. Leaders of important religious organizations shall spell out strategy for resisting mosque demolition. Peaceful demonstrations shall be held, and if untoward incident occurs, administration shall be held responsible, leaders have said."

News item - "Leaders of religious organizations have said that Khatam-i-Nabuwat conference shall be held today at Mosque Aisha, Sector 11-B North Karachi, under any circumstances. And today evening, in an emergency meeting, central office bearers of Jamiat-i-Ulema-i-Islam, Sipah-i-Sahaba, Pakistan Shariat Council, Sawad-i-Azam Ahl-i-Sunnat, International Khatam-i-Nabuwat, Tanzeem Ulema-i-Pakistan, Jaish Muhammad, Harkat-ul-Jihad Islami shall declare strategy for resisting mosque demolition."

"Deputy Secretary General of Pakistan Shariat Council and head of Tehrik-i-Ansar-ul-Islam, Maulana Abdul Rasheed Ansari, has said in his statement that in the eyes of Mohtasib, liquor stores are sacred instead of mosque. Mohtasib has issued directions on the advice of English newspaper columnist Ardeshir Cowasjee and minorities member of dissolved Sindh Assembly, Mehromal Jagwani. He said that his crime was that some weeks back he had taken a strong stand and made a speech against Cowasjee in a local hotel and asked Mohtasib Haziq-ul-Khairi to cancel licence of liquor stores established in Muslim neighbourhoods and the selling of liquor to Muslims."

"Mohtasib Sindh was given video film of liquor being sold to Muslims and was told that employees of these stores not only sold liquor to Muslims but these Hindu employees supply illegally to local five-star hotel. Cowasjee got out demolition order for Mosque Aisha by using his influence over Mohtasib Sindh, but licences for these liquor stores have not been cancelled; instead these stores remain open on Shab-i-Barat also."

"Moulana Abdur Rashid Ansari has said that today, November 13, in Khatam-i-Nabuwat conference, prominent religious scholars Maulana Manzoor Ahmed Chinioti, Maulana Fida-ul-Rehman Darkhuasty, Maulana Ajmal Qadri, Maulana Asas Thanvi, Maulana Qari Sher Afzal, Maulana Asfandyar, Maulana Ikram-ul-Haq Khairi, Qari Saeed Qamar Qasmi and other shall address the gathering. Maulana Fazl-ur-Rehman, Maulana Azam Tariq and Maulana Masood Azhar have decided to come to Karachi. We want a peaceful demonstration but if administration creates any trouble, then it shall be responsible for any consequences."

Needless to say, I do not know where the Mosque Aisha stands (or stood), I have not spoken to the Sindh Mohtasib, nor do I know Mr Jagwani, nor any of the honourable reverends, nor am I familiar with any of the reverential organizations mentioned in the newsitem. However, the mind does not boggle.