Dearest Apaa,

The problem is that I have never been praised or appreciated by my parents. I have usually been neglected and treated negatively by them and my siblings who also think about me the same way. I have never known the reason why.

My (second) marriage is also not a happy one. I have no relationship or communication with my husband despite having kids in this marriage. This feeling has grown so much that I really don’t feel like putting up and want to leave him.

Do you think I have got a problem that I don’t get along with people and my husband? He doesn’t want to divorce me as such, but also doesn’t have any (normal) relationship or communication with me. There has been no fun in this married life. Do you think he is in a relationship with someone else? He usually doesn’t spend time with me and the kids.

I’ve just had enough with being patient with him and dealing with his bad attitude towards me. I have no one to talk to in order to lighten myself.

The children feel unhappy as my husband is social, but discourages us from being so.

We have been visiting a counsellor but there’s no change from my husband’s side. Kindly help.

Hopeless

Dear Wife,

It is not clear from your email what exactly constitutes your husband’s bad attitude is. Is he emotionally abusive or has the marriage simply deteriorated over time? It is not likely that only one of you is unhappy with the marriage. Your husband probably feels the same way as you: that there is no communication between the two of you, and that his needs are not being met by the marriage.

If you want your marriage to survive it is important that you not label your husband as the bad guy in all this. Neither of you is bad. It is your interaction that has deteriorated over time and negative patterns have set it. It is probably true that both of you may have become lazy about showing affection. For instance if one of you treated the other badly, the other probably withdrew or became angry reinforcing a bad pattern. This way of treating each other probably became entrenched over time and the only way you can change things is if you decide to put your ego aside, be bigger than the problem and take the first step towards peace. Start by being kind to your husband, even if he doesn’t return your kindness. Kindness will start to lessen the tension that you feel. Your husband may not respond to this at first, but you have to remember that the minute you think “Why should I be nice when he is always so mean?’ you condemn your marriage. So be sure you want to change things around, start by being nice to him even if he does not reciprocate initially.

Build up some love in your marriage by finding ways to do things together even if it means that you sort out the monthly bills together or just have chai together.

If this gets the two of you talking and laughing together then you can set about sorting your bigger problems. Do continue seeking professional help.

Dear Auntie

I am a 35-year-old woman who has recently been divorced. I have three children. The divorce was horrible and I am not on good terms with my ex-husband. I am not sure if I should keep my ex-husband’s name or start using my maiden name. What should I do?

Single again   Dear You,

There is no hard and fast rule regarding this. You can carry on using your husband’s last name if you want or you can revert to your maiden name.

A lot of women who are working continue to use the last name that they are known by professionally. A lot of women don’t change their names because they don’t want to have a surname different from their children.

Other may revert to their maiden name because of the strong negative feelings they have towards their ex-husband. There could be any number of reasons to discard or keep your surname after divorce and all are valid. Just see how you feel and act accordingly.

Auntie received a reply from the vegan who wasn’t happy with the reply she received last week:

“OMG your reply was so cold. You thought eating meat is just an eating habit or a choice. Well, in reality it is murder and the death of humanity. In your perspective rape, child molestation, child violence, sexual discrimination, heterosexual domination and slavery is also a choice or a habit. Well in reality all these are legal crimes.

Your reply was so biased. I just wanted a suggestion that how can I find vegan friends and spread the awareness but you told me that I should give space to people. I already have vegan friends all over the planet, not everyone is sleeping. I have non-vegan friends too and they are convinced pretty much.

You hardly make sense, you really broke me. I regret writing to you. Hope you don’t do this to anyone else ever.

Anyways have a good day. You will see the light soon :) Stay happy and blessed.”

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to:auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, November 29th, 2015